I think my son's first mom is pregnant again. Any advice?

Question

My son is 16 months old. We have an open adoption. I care about her very much. She is 24 years old. Her life has not changed much since the adoption though. She does not have a high school diploma or a job. She does not have any parental support. Her mom is a wreck (been in prison, on drugs) and this is who she lives with most of the time. My son's natural father and most likely the father of this baby is a drug dealer. He got served termination papers and he threw them in the trash because he thought it was child support. She gave up my son mostly due to him in the first place but went back to him and is with him now.

Honestly, I really wasn't looking to adopt another child for 3 or 4 more years if ever, so I'm not hoping she will let me adopt the baby. She is telling us and the adoption agency that she is not pregnant when it's blatanly obvious she is. This lets me know she wants to parent. I totally get that. However, I have 2 concerns:

Answer 1

Well, if you don't plan on another chld, then you should have a c**p load of stuff to give her.

All you can do is be a positive person in her life.

Answer 2

If she wants to parent this baby she will need to take some steps. One find some sort of employment, try to get her GED at night or online. She’d be wise to dump this loser she is with. She needs  to surround herself with positive people.  Perhaps you could offer to help her find a job or look into low income housing.  You should tell her that she is not fooling anyone shes clearly pregnant again, tell her you don’t want this baby, in fact you will be supportive if she wants to parent and try to help her get on  a right path that she can do that and the baby will have a good decent life.

Answer 3

Here a thought. We thought our son's bio mom was prego again also. Come to find out she gained 30lbs fairly quickly because of her meds to treat her Hep C. If she has depression issue and on meds this can cause wt. gain fairly rapidly also. I would just talk to her and state what you said here. That it's okay that she want to parnet you are not looking for her to "give" the baby away. You just want to support her in what she needs and wants and have an open realtionship so that you son has a realtionship with any siblings now or in the future. You could even start it that way telling her some day she might get prego again and if that happens let her know you want your son to have relationships with his sibs. I think that would be a good opener. Good Luck

Answer 4

Be honest with her. Let her know that you believe she is pregnant and will be there to help her if needed.  Also make sure that you tell her you do not want to adopt her baby, but you want the kids to grow up as a part of each others lives.

It sounds like she really wants to parent her baby if she is trying to cover up her pregnancy. Just be there for her and offer whatever support you can. If you want to keep your baby things for the next baby, search for resources for her. Most area's have resources for low income mothers that help provide things from diapers to baby furniture.

Answer 5

I understand your concerns for your baby and her. You said:

"I feel like she doesn’t want to tell us because she thinks we will want the baby. I just want to give her love, I want my son to have a relationship with a full blooded sibling, and I want the open adoption to continue."

Do you think you could sit down and be honest with her, if she will have it. Explain that you care for her very much and you want the best for her and that little baby. Let her know you do not want to take this baby from her, that you want the very best for her and you are willing to guide her in that direction.

Answer 6

I was facing a similar situation.  I had started courses to be a foster parent, knowing that most likely, the child would be placed in foster care.  I was saving things for her to parent this child, and had offered to help.  I never mentioned adoption.  Thank God, today, the 1st dad came to us and asked us if we were ready to adopt again.  We already had done a home study update to adopt again, because of the time it takes to have a child placed, we wanted to be ready.  The babies will be a year apart.  I know she still can change her mind, and in one way, I hope she does, and straightens her life out, but on the other hand, I'm very thankful to at least know that she realizes that she's just not able to raise a child right now, and possibly not forever.

Hopefully, the farther along she gets, that she might place the baby with you, if it's for the best.  Be prepared though, and I'd sign up for the foster parenting courses and home study, so that way, you can be placed if she loses custody to CPS.  Although you don't have any right as a legal relative, your child does have some as a biological relative, and that would be considered in placement.  If you wait until she loses it (and they cannot tell you if she does, unless you're approved to foster), then the process of uprooting the child a 2nd time could be too much, and they'd adopt the child out.  My prayers are for both the kids, and that they are happy.  Good luck!

Answer 7

Joo,

Why in the world is the adoption agency even involved with this pregancy?! Sounds fishy to me -especially if she wishes to parent this child!

YOUR only concern about this child should be allowing your son to have a relationship with his sibling if at all possible! Lots of women raise perfectly healthy children in these situations. If you are truly concerned for this MOTHER and HER CHILD (YOUR son's SIBLING) then you should offer her as much support and help as you can so that she can be the BEST possible Mother to this baby as she can. Be her FRIEND. Give her moral support, RESPECT HER, encourage her, offer advice when she asks for it, SHARE with her, give her a boost by donating your son's old baby stuff to his baby brother or sister or offer free babysitting etc.

ALL of you will benefit if you are genuine and sincere in your efforts to help them, support them and keep them a part of your family - and this baby will be JUST FINE!!! :)

Answer 8

tell her exactaly what you just wrote !

say that unless she wants you to adopt her new baby you wont try to and you want to continue the relationship you have with her!

Answer 9

I agree with Lara.

Don't assume anything.  Just because she is pregnant again does not mean she will choose adoption again.  Be a positive and supportive person in her life and offering her baby items would be a wonderful start.  Keep in mind that is it much harder than we think for her to watch someone else raising her child.  If she needs space let her have it.  Just continue to be kind and supportive.

Answer 10

Well, you COULD be a support system for her, you know, help her find RESOURCES to PARENT, help her figure out things like food stamps, medicare or other social programs, maybe teach her a thing or two about being a parent.

It might be a drag, you know, but if you don't have designs on this kid, too, and truly care for "her" as you say, then wouldn't this be the "right" thing to do?

Sounds like she could use a positive figure in her life, and this would be a perfect opportunity to step up to the plate.

You know, do the things that us "anti-adoption crowd" always talk about to actually HELP a mother KEEP her child.

But then there's nothing in it for you....

Sigh.

Answer 11

In a situation like this, I think it's important to separate what you can control and what you cannot control.  Some people make choices with their lives that you may not agree with and the consequences of those choices may affect others.  

You can offer to be a support to her and to her baby.  But you can't control her choice of a partner.  

Best of luck to you.