I think that I truly hate myself and I want to stop. How does this happen?

Question

I have a lifetime of un-forgiveness and guilt and shame and cannot seem to put this behind me. I have tried counseling, anti-depressants, 12-step programs, religion, among other things and none of it works. I catch myself saying under my breath "you are so f-ing stupid" or "you are such an f-ing a--hole" to myself all the time. I catch myself crying out to God literally for help and it seems to fall on deaf ears. I just don't know what to do. I see this behavior now affecting my family and I am really, really sick of it. I feel so selfish for even wasting your time, but I don't know what to do. Please help with bona fide advice, not that I don't appreciate your and my own prayers, but I am a little past prayers at this point.

Answer 1

I like what Shanris offered - and also consider volunteer work, environment, people or animals. The world needs your help and it will feel good and rewarding to you.  

Answer 2

number one  it is never too late for prayer  god has forgiven you but you are better then him so you cant forgive yourself  is this what you are saying  that is what it means  you are doing this to yourself all these things you tried will work if you let them but you have to put work into them also  they will not come handed to you on a silver platter so get out of the pity bag and start ernestly working at yourself  the old saying god helps those who help themselves  i know life can be tough but you got to plug on  dont be a quitter  a kick in the butt is a step forward  so come on get busy living   look at the positive  a few friends are more then a lot of us have  decent smart guy  you wont have failures if you sit and dont move but you wont have success either    any successful person can tell you that they had plenty of failures along the way but they take a second seat compared to the success   success without some failure first is unheard of   good luck and god bless  remember to pray

Answer 3

My mother would have a fit if she heard that you mumbled stuff like, "I am really stupid".  Nip that in the bud. Don't do it again, you are reinforcing the entire thing.

How about playing a game with yourself and muttering just the opposite.  Right now you are saying, "I don't want to", well, just do it.

It's a small start.  But, it is a start

Go to counselling.  Talk to someone that is not biased.  

Check the people around you.  Are they negative??  That negativity can pour over onto you.

I went to a seminar once on "Stinkin Thinkin" and you could be the poster boy.  The best way to stop a certain action is to just stop it.  Set a time on the clock and as of that time no more "stinkin thinkin"

This also means no more hanging around anyone that has negativity.

Set yourself up for some good times.  Do things you actually like.  If you like to read, make time to read your favorite authors newest book, etc.

I take it you are self employed.  I have done that in the past and it can be a difficult road-more than people know.  I found that I do best when I am employed and do something of my own on the side.  It's a built in safety net with a pay check.  It let's me be free'er in decisions I make concerning my own business.

The other thing I learned and accept-I never fail!! Sometimes I might not succeed, but I don't fail.  Just need to rethink my position.

You fail when you don't try.  No one will ever accuse me of not trying

It all rests with you.  Sounds like you have been through the program, but no one can put it into effect except you

Good luck (I will pray for you, He especially likes it when people pray for other people)  

Answer 4

Well ultimately you are who you are and there is no procedure to alter your DNA to change that...you can spend fortunes on plastic surgery but the real things are inside and those are the things that matter anyway.

If you can be specific about what you don't like about yourself, I would suggest making a list of all of those things...no matter how "stupid" or "ridiculous" you think they are.

Then, make another list of ways you can change these things (realistically of course). The great thing about life is the opportunity for change. Things don't always have to be this way and you can change so much just by changing this basic attitude.

The truth is, no one can offer a pill or advice to change this...this is a core belief. The only way to make progress is by you addressing these things.

Hope I helped some.

Answer 5

Re-program your emotional responses. Hate is a strong term; reduce it to: "I dislike myself, and my life, at present". This allows for the possibility of change. Realise, and accept that YOU are the one who programmed your mind, and that YOU have the ability to re-program it.  

When you notice  something negative, such as: "I'm never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so pathetic/useless/such a loser?" or even: "I can't do this/will never get over this!", or a disturbing image, recognise that this is part of the mindset which will hold you back from progressing in your recovery.                                                                                                                                                                           Having identified and labelled it, I first visualise a large  "STOP!" sign, then I say to myself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!"

You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick", instead of "tactic". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version.                                                                                                                                           Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method.        

          See the tips at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris in section 2, particularly those in the mental-health-abc and conquering stress websites. Procrastination, getting organised, and motivation are addressed in sections 26 & 28. Use the negative thought reprogramming technique, and read page 2L. Recognise, and challenge your negative monologue (self talk). Make a conscious commitment to being positive, and optimistic, even if it is apparently unrealistic, or inappropriate, because of the benefits it will provide, later on.      

     WORK, to change yourself into someone you can think much better of. See sections 38, and 47, and volunteer, even from home, at first, to provide a solid basis in reality for the daily affirmations: "I am a good person, who is valued by my community, because I (insert activity here)". As one insightful (paraphrasing poetically) person put it: an affirmation, without foundation is just mental masturbation.        

          Read: "Lift your mood now." by John D Preston, Psy.D. 2001, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 5674 Shattuck Avenue, Oakland. CA 94609 http://www.amazon.com/ may be worth trying for this, as it has a good section on building self esteem, using a different approach. You can also learn to use the EFT, in section 53, several times daily: "Even though I dislike my current life situation, I deeply and completely accept myself". Consider taking up yoga, or t'ai chi.