I told my daughter (out of anger) that i hated her?

Question

i have a 14 year old daughter who constantly rebels, argues, and gets into trouble. she used to be a straight A student until she started hanging out with her weird goth friends. We seem to get into lots of fights and many incongruities. i've tried taking her to a therapist and talking to her but none seem to be working.

at dinner, we were arguing about her grades, D's and C's, and her lack of interest in usual things. i was fed up with all her nonense and so i mistakenly told her i hated her, how i wished she would die, etc.

she ran upstairs crying and locked her door. i'm afraid that she's self-mutilating or attempting suicide or something, due to her goth friend's influences.

I feel really horrible about what i said, and i apologized numerously to her in front of her door. Should i call the police in case she might be killing herself or something? Please help.

Thanks so much.

Answer 1

i'm not sure its her friends that are influencing her. Did you stop and think that maybe it was the divorce that made her change and maybe the fact that her mom doesnt want her i think you should have been there for her a lot more and should have tried to be her friend rather than a strict dad. and you should try therapy because maybe its weird well to me that you are here asking if you should call the police in case she is killing herself maybe if things are that bad you should have called them already instead of sitting here and typing out the question.

Answer 2

Instead of worrying about what you said, you should worry about getting her out of that group of freaks.  Once you remove her awful 'friends', then you can fix your relationship.

Answer 3

oh chris,oh no!!!!,oh boy,you are in huge trouble.don't you know that a girl's father is the most influential person in her life!, how could you say those things even if you were boiling with anger,that's not a good excuse,i personally have had big fights with my father and talk loud and act crazy and stuff, but thankfully all he ever did was shut up,he didn't talk back but he just let the situation calm down a little bit,the game should always be,fire with water and all you're doing is making her act out more.and trust me she won't self mutilate or commit suicide because of her friends,no matter what pressure you get from movies,songs or friends you won't do it if you're on the right track,but she will do it if she isn't and if she pleases,that's it,so if you suspect any thing in her behavior (other than her friends' behaviour,please!!!) get help quick,before this turns ugly.

every teen age girl has had at least one awkward session with her parents it's nothing new,i've had it several times with my mom especially,but i've forgiven her for every thing she has done because of one thing and one thing only,she remorsefully apologized many times.

so will she forgive you?,yes absolutely,will she forget it?,may be not

so what you should do now is do your best to make her forgive you.

About her grades,sooner or later she'll realize that she has been ignorant for so long and she'll change ,i know you're worried that it'll be too late when she figures it out but trust me with the right kind of support from her dad,she'll realize it quick.i personally realized my own weakness just a few months ago and now my grades have changed dramatically and i'm happy. here are some rules you should follow as her dad

A. don't embarass her by talking about her grades in public

B. she'd like to enjoy a good dinner as much as you would so just enjoy it with her and don't bring up terrible memories

C. don't give up,you're her dad which means she loves you even when she hates you,so appologise,appologise,appologise no matter what

D.have some effort to change,like tell her how proud you are of her of the A's she get or even the Bs and the C's,remember it's much better than an F,always encourage her even when you see a very slight change in her (good change,ofcourse!) which you might have missed if you were the old you.understand that she's just a teen and she might be moody some times but you're an adult so do the right,rational and calm thing.

E.don't try to act like one of her friends but be her father,the one she looks up too (yes hard to believe,but in heart of hearts very true)

F. she's also discovering who she is right now,and you can't expect her to be a mini replica of you,let her be!!!,no matter how gothic she may be,just love her UNCONDITIONALLY!!!

G.therapy sessions and councils are a good thing but first you have to take the major step in changing your attitude,learning how to talk with your teen,or else you're just making her feel like she's insane and she needs expert help.

H.what ever your religion is remember to pray,it helps calm you down and it opens your eyes to have a few minutes a day to focus on your spirituality

J. don't hesitate for help,go to counsiling servises your self

k.remember you're already on the right track for asking this question so keep it up

ok i hope that helped,good luck!!!

Answer 4

It's definitely time for professional help. Call your doctor and get a referal.

Answer 5

This poor kid has two sorry excuses for parents.

Answer 6

if my parents got a divorce my mom didnt want me i'd make bad grades too, by the way teens mess up accasionally, im 14 also, if my dad said he hates me and WISH I WOULD DIE i would........DIE,i'd  show you how it would be without me, you should be very ashmed of your self you really shouldnt of said i hate you nd i wish you would die you are a horrible dad, my oppinion right now shes thinking that too, unless she already killed herself and if she did/does jjust remeber it wasYOU it was YOUR fault, your really stupid i still cant believe you acctually told her "i wish you would die" shes probably making your wish come true right now. you hurt her really bad (emotionally).

p.s. get her out that room, i dont want her to kill herself, she might be someone really important one day, knock her door down anything just get her out .

(sorry about saying your stupid and a horrible dad, we all mess up but that one was big, im just really mad at you i feel for your daughter i feel sooo bad for her im sending hugs HER way)

Answer 7

omg its not the goth friends its the divorce you really shouldnt have said that just break in their its your responsibility as a parent to make sure shes ok

Answer 8

its kinda like me ecept my rents rnt diviorced

ok so i dont have goth friends really but they make me happy lol

but b4 i was "emo or goth"

i was depressed i agree it may be influences

so see a therapist

well she shud cuz i did

but i totally faked it but in the end i actually eneded up HAPPY

Answer 9

Get the two of you into counseling or something. She is going through a stage. A girl this age needs a woman's guidance. You need to learn how to deal with being a single dad and she needs to let out the feelings about her self confidence. First she had to deal with a mother that didn't want her and now she thinks she has a father who hates her. Get help now.

Answer 10

first of all

shame on u

think before  u speak

go and try to talk to her and tell her how sorry u are bcuz u were angry, u didnt know wat u were saying and that u didnt mean it.

send her a letter telling her how u feel.

and well, if u really think shes not alright go and get some help.

good luck!

Answer 11

If you think your daughter is in danger of harming herself, you can always call 911.

I think you and your daughter are way overdue for family therapy.  she needs the opportunity to tell you how she really feels... and given several sessions, you might find out.  

As parents (and i am one) we don't always see what's going on in a relationship... and some direction and help from a neutral party can be very helpful and even satisfying.  

You said you sent your daughter to therapy.. truth is, therapy doesn't help unless the person wants it and understands why they are there in the first place.  

Maybe it's time for you and your daughter to do it together and find out what each other is all about?  can't hurt

Answer 12

You need to go and get help maybe go to a therapist with her and you together maybe she is looking for attition spend a day with her  

Answer 13

Big mistake on your part.  She is trying to find her own identity, and you have just mocked her.  Wait until you are both calm and then tell her that you were just upset and you said something out of anger, not hate.  

(Don't ever tell her to her face that her mom didn't want her by the way)

This too shall pass.

Answer 14

thats a big slip up...I'm thinking maybe you need the therapist.

Answer 15

seriously, you're an idiot. i have three children and NEVER have i told them i hated them. i NEVER will say that to them.

set guidelines. if her grades don't come up, take away certain privileges.  you as her father are supposed to love, nurture and guide her through life. if you don't like her friends, sit her down and tell her why and what you expect out of her. my middle child suffers from certain mental issues. she didn't want to go to counseling but i MADE her go and she has been going for a few years and is so much better. my daughter was a cutter too, but at 17 hasn't cut for years. if you call the police, you will make thing worse. do you talk trash about her mom? i raised my kids on my own and would never talk trash about their fathers. bottom line is ...you're the parent and she is the child. you need to keep going to her and let her know how sorry you are even if it takes all night. why haven't you kept up with her therapy? sounds like she is cutting and hanging out with "goths" due to her issues at home with you.  

Answer 16

If you feel that it is going that far. Then you do what you feel is best. In the end of it all no one can tell you how to raise your child. Is moving an option? Get her a clean start someone where. Go out during the summer.Travel show her that you are still there for her! if one has already left her maybe she is rebelling from that... But as far as getting the cops involed... they arent going to be able to help you much. Maybe give her a scare that's about it.  Hate is indeed a very strong word. it is no excuse, but do not be hard on yourself .. just look at what you do for her and keep caring. Good seniro .. she'll grow up!  

Answer 17

The "goth" phase is a normal phase for a lot of girls in their teens, your daughter isn't behaving any different than thousands of others her age.  Puberty can be a very difficult time for girls and without a mom around it's even worse.  Stop arguing with her about her grades, she doesn't need a therapist she needs understanding.  It would help if she had a female influence in her life, someone she could talk to about what is going on with her emotions etc.  As a man you have no clue what teen aged girls go through during puberty and you have proved that you think she is "weird" and have already expressed that there is something "wrong" with her and that you hate her.  She isn't going to talk to you now, because she isn't going to trust you.  

Answer 18

keep insisting on good grades and stop assuming that her goth friends are the problem. if she is mutilating and attempting suicide, there is something in her life that is making her feel "dead"... its not like she does it because she wants to fit in with her friends. try just talking to her. i bet she gets picked on a lot at school, ('cause everybody gets picked on in school) and she probably hates coming home because her own father cannot see her has an individual. let her express herself- the truth is, it is probably a phase that she will grow out of, you just have to be supportive and patient with her. Go out and get her some chocolate or something that she likes as a peace offering, and when she opens the door- use the opportunity to talk to her as her loving father.

NOTE: when she does open the door, do not expect to be met with tons of a gratitude. its going to take a while for her to think about it before she forgives you.. just be patient.

Answer 19

YOU go see a therapist and he/she will tell you what to do  

Answer 20

Honestly....tough love is what it's going to take to change things.  Granted you know what you said was wrong....but at least you're apologizing.  But if you think how drill instructors can take an 18 year old kid and mold them into a fighting machine...you get an idea of how tough love works.

If you really feel she's being a hazard to herself, maybe it's time to seek out additional assistance too.  Calling the police is probably a good idea but unless you have proof, there's no emergency yet.  However, I would force her to go see a therapist.  She'll resist of course...but you're the authority in her life and she needs to respect that.

Answer 21

Well no wonder she has problems. you emotionally and verbally abuse her and her mom doesn't want her. she deserves better than the two of you. you should send her to a family member that will love and respect her.

Answer 22

Honestly, I'm 16 and if I was told that by my parents that would hurt me so bad.  The feelings she feels right now are most likley hate, anger, confusion, and low self esteem.  

You said one of the worse things you can tell your child.  No parent should ever have those words leave their mouth.

All you can do is apoligize and make it up to her.

Answer 23

your horriable you dont tell your daughter that you want her dead you need help she dosent

Answer 24

ya, if i was your daughter i would probably try to kill myself if my dad told me that he hated me. your daughter probably thinks that your going to give her away, just like her mom did, so shes probably really upset because now she thinks that she doesnt have any parents who love her or care for her. im not trying to be harsh, but thats what i would probably be thinking, and im a 14 year old girl too. maybe you should do something extremely nice, like EXTREMELY nice, to show her how sorry you are. maybe it should be something that shes really wanted but there was no way you were going to give it to her....something like that. oh, and dont call the police, that will cause too much commotion. tell her to open the door or else you'll break it down, and if she doesnt open it, break it down. hope that i helped!