I tried a second Partenza Represa. Did I obey the rules?

Question

Echoes in Space and Time: A Partenza Represa

(A form created by Dawn Slanker)

by Elaine Polin

A world mysterious of rhyme

rhyme resounds in virtual song

song echoing through space and time

time for a new start, clean and strong.

Strong are the hopes and dreams we share

we share our thoughts, our days, our plans

our plans to build with love and prayer

a world of poets sans demands.

Demands for war, for land, for stuff

stuff stocking vacant hearts with junk

with junk, away! we say enough

enough! on rhyme and words we’re drunk.

We’re drunk on Martian air enriched

enriched as none have breathed before

before we trod the stars, bewitched

bewitched by landing on this shore.

Answer 1

Shore, on the peaceful crimson sand,

crimson sand, memory infused,

infused with joy for our new land,

land that will heal our hearts abused.

Answer 2

You obeyed all of them!  This can be engraved over the air lock in the Golden Dome.  This form is so much fun!

Answer 3

Excellent throughout.  The second stanza is a masterpiece...if only we could have this on Earth...well they say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...

Answer 4

It's a wonderful and elegant poem with only one minor boo boo.

"our plans to build with love and prayer

a world of poets sans demands."

Your beautiful last line of the second stanza does not carry over from the line before it.  It is still a fabulous poem with a sentiment that we carry in our hearts.  

Answer 5

I like the structure of this form.  I shall give it a go if my muse permits.  Enough with superfluous demands!  Great poem.

Answer 6

Is this a tester - to see if we are keeping our senses sharp?

.....well, I have examined this from top to bottom and inside out, nope cannot fault it. A perfect Partenza Represa......you've made it look dead easy, and I know from personal experience that it is not...I for one, have written one - and that's it.  I retire.

But, me being me, I have one little niggle....

I'm wondering if last verse, second line should read

enriched as none has breathed before?  Is none the same as no-one? Written as 'Enriched as no-one have breathed before' emphasises what I mean (I am now ducking in case you throw something at me)

Answer 7

Superb as always!

Answer 8

You got me at "a world of poets sans demands!"  Very nice flow.  

hear my echo

the echo ringing...

ringing though space,

through space ringing

I be Elaine, hear my echo

Answer 9

This one is a march, funerial, at times. Don't let them carry me along just yet...

Answer 10

A Martian martini, shaken-ed to stir our souls.

Punctuated and inebriated.