I want a baby for the wrong reasons?

Question

My boyfriend and I concieved twice in our relationship. I had an abortion both times. My boyfriend and I never really talked about it, just brushed it under the carpet and put on a happy face. Its been torturing me ever since, I think about it everyday. Now I am wanting to have a baby... don't get me wrong, Im NOT going to go out and get pregnant, I realise these feelings are not straightforward broodiness, I would like advice on how to deal with this...thanks x

Answer 1

You have to set your priorities straight. If you want a kid and not work and live a simpler life hey, to each his own.

Answer 2

As my mama used to say, "it don't hurt you to want".  

Answer 3

keep thinking, keep talking and wait and see and analyse and see if your in the right situation to have a kid, if not wait till you are, if you never are, then just bite the bullet and do it :) good luck

Answer 4

Sounds like you need to give your boyfriend a good kicking, convince him that fatherhood is actually a great idea and he'll enjoy himslef being a dad.

Answer 5

well duhhhhhhhhhhhhh, your a woman - of course youll make bad decisions lol

Answer 6

I think its normal to want a baby after all that you went through. you should try talking to your boyfriend about it, see what he thinks.

Answer 7

Ive had the same prob. I split with my fiance a few months ago. We concieved three times in three years. I had two miscarriages and one abortion. I think i made the wrong decsion with abortion and id like a baby too for all the wrong reasons. Ive just met a new guy and its going well, but im thinking about having a baby for the wrong reasons too. Ive seen a councillar and she's really helped me a lot. Just talking to someoen has helped me dramatically.

Good luck and i hope you get thru it. It is goign to be touch but my advice would be to talk to someone who isnt going to judge you and get everything you may have bottled up out to them. It worked for me!

xx

Answer 8

that's not necessarily a wrong reason but don't go off having a baby and neglecting it.

Answer 9

It sounds like you regret having the two terminations, and are possibly still grieving for those babies which never were.

I had a miscarriage early on in my first pregnancy and I really felt the loss at the time, lots of tears and the only reason I didn't feel down for too long was because I only had a week off and then returned to work which surprised some of my colleagues.  Even though it was your choice to have those terminations, it is still a loss and often affects women psychologically afterwards, but it sounds like you never gave yourself the opportunity to grieve for them.  Of course, even if you had grieved openly you would still think about them often, but perhaps you are suffering more now than you would have been.  Do you feel bad/guilty for making the choices that you made at the time??

It's good you realise that wanting a baby now isn't straightforward broodiness; having a baby now would probably help ease your pain.

Dealing with your feelings for wanting to have a baby are not going to be easy, but by recognising why you want to have a baby now helps.  When these feeling surface you need to mentally remind yourself that part of the wanting is due to whats gone before, and then try to distract yourself with something else or keep your mind occupied on something.

If you are really struggling with your feelings, you could approach your GP to find out if you could be referred to a Counsellor who specialises in this area.  If you can afford it you could go private for this.  It would probably prove to be beneficial to you as a specialist counsellor would understand what you are going through, and getting it all out before you do decide to have a baby would no doubt be better than having a baby and then experiencing a real mix of emotions.

My sister was talked into having an abortion by a much older person when she was 25.  She didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy and as a result of the termination it screwed her up so badly emotionally ie regret, guilt etc because in reality I think she wanted that baby that she then spent the next 12 - 18 months with a drink problem.

Answer 10

well definitly think about it first make sure you have the time and responsibility to take care of a child talk about it to your boyfriend and see if your both ready if your in your teens then i will give you the advice that teens always regret it because all your parties and night clubbing will be cancelled for a while but having a child is a wonderful thing i have friends without children and they are sooooo misserable you take it one step at a time good luck honiiiii..x..x..x..x..x..x..x..x

Answer 11

i understand what you mean, i have gone through the same thing , exactly the same thing, how long has it been since you had the last abortion, um sure you are feeling bad cause of the choice you have made, i did, so it could be why you want to have one to replace that feeling, you should wait until you are absolutely ready, if you are feeling bad or depressed replacing it with having a baby can make worst and it wont replace it, make sure your both ready and doing it for the right reason, think about your future, are you financially stable, ready to stay home and be mother its a huge responsibility