I want a divorce, but it's very complicated, no judgmental people please?

Question

My wife and I have been married for five years, we had our son almost three years ago. My wife is bisexual and I am straight. We had a three-way relationship with her best friend going on for two years until just recently (my wife had problems keeping it secret). She was a mistress to the both of us. Now that we aren't working on having a baby, or caring for a newborn, or have a mistress, I've found I can't stand my wife, she's just generally unpleasant and doesn't live up to her role as a mother or a wife. If I get a divorce there won't be any problems (prenuptial, I get my son, she gets nothing since she hasn't worked AT ALL). But the thing is, our former mistress has already said that if we ever divorced than she wants a chance at being with me solo. When we were all three together she was a better mother for my son than my wife has ever been. But the thing is, I'd need help with my boy (I work at night) but I don't really want to be with my former mistress either. I cannot afford overnight babysitters and in-laws and family all live too far away. I don't love my wife anymore (I'm not sure I ever really did), staying would be one long lie. I don't know what to do anymore, does anyone have any advice?

Answer 1

You both need a shrink and lots of therapy...!

Answer 2

Just because she didn't 'work' doesn't mean she won't get anything. She will be entitled to 50% of everything you own together, or own separately.

It sounds as though you are excepting custody of your child? Has your wife said she would give you custody? Infants normally stay with the mother.

Divorce is huge and the grass is not always greener. You might consider trying to find that woman you originally loved and cared for, even though you may not feel like it right now.

Emotions can come and go like the wind.  You made a committment to this woman. Stand by her. These feelings may pass.

Have you considered polygamy?  People seem to be talking about it these days... what with Big Love, and the books being written, etc.

Sounds like you were happier when it was the three of you.  

Best of Luck.

Answer 3

would it be possible for u to stay with her, even without love, until ur son is a bigger boy and can take care of himself?  Until u have found the right woman to be a wife and mother to ur son, then its time to move on.  but until then, u will have to compromise..

a divorce happens when a husband is not any better than the wife he is complaining about.

Answer 4

You will have to change your position to daytime hours, and leave her, just you and your son.  I think you should stay away from both her and the mistress.  Too much dysfunction.

Answer 5

I wouldnt use the mistress to take care of your kid. Youre right to get divorced, but as far as child care goes you need to make other arrangements.

Answer 6

Your son is still going to see his mother if you divorce. Him staying with her then would be good. You do not have to be with your mistress if you get a divorce.  

Answer 7

Regardless of your interesting experience, the fact is you dont love your wife.

Kids pick up on these things. He is young at the moment, but he will eventually get to the age where he knows you dont care for each other. Then when he is a few years older again, he will start thinking you are staying together just for him, and will act out and feel guilty. And when he is older again, he will end up marrying someone he doesnt love either, because that is what he thinks is normal.

You don't need another person to raise your sons. Single mothers and single fathers do it all the time. It will be hard but you will manage. If worse comes to worse there is always government assistance . You might make friends with another single parent and offer to exchange babysitting shifts. Just because you work nights now doesnt mean you have to stick to it. Change your hours or change your job, just do it for your son

Just think of your son. Eventually he will know his parents are living one big lie

Answer 8

WOW..what a mess; you're very confused.

   Get a divorce, your mistress has positively nothing to do with your prenup, your divorce or who the court decides will raise that poor child.

  Keep your mistress out of it, she was nothing more than a cloud in your marriage that never went away...and you want to keep her around.

Answer 9

Your one messed up person. Try to help your wife out. Maybe you are the one that is hard to live with. Hard to imagine, right. Dont always blame others. Look in the mirror.  

Answer 10

the problem at hand gives enough details to make a front-brain desicion, but doesn't touch base at all with the moral issues (no judging included). to begin with, marriage vows, once you have kids, need to be taken seriously. the thing to be considered is how will your childs life be if you make this change. until you can ensure that, or at least have a firm idea you shouldn't make any fast moves.

even if she is not a good wife or mother, she is still the only mother he will ever have. preserving what you can for him, of that is more important than any male could understand. *but try*

on the issue of the former mistress, (you are speaking with someone who lived in an open relationship for decades) all you owe her is honesty. if you need her help to make the change, be clear that you  are not sure if you want a long term relationship with her. if she chooses to help under with that understanding in place, thats her choice. but to delude or decieve her in order to get help so as to get away from wife would not be right.

....and when i say that i don't mean its wrong in a rule book, i mean it will create bad karma for yourself.

here's another huge (HUGE) thing to keep in mind. single parenthood is the hardest role in life to play, male or female. you will be broke, loose jobs, and/or have to neglect the childs needs in some way. i had that role for 6 years and the whole time was fraught with situations and events you could not anticipate. you may get child on basis of income and prenup, but what happens when you are unemployed single parent, and wife has gotten on her feet and comes back for him? they almost always favor the mother in custody cases of young children.

the shoe can  get on the other foot really quickly. you need to consider all of these facets very carefully before you leap out of the frying pan, into the fire.

councling is good, because even if one of the couple does not want to participate or cooperate, you know you did literally everything you could.

if you end up deciding to sever and leave, please for the love of your child  and his longterm welfare, do not disparage her, or keep him from her. it can ruin him emotionally for life. i had a terrible ex, and i never while married or divorced 10 years said bad things about him to kids. now they are older, and they see it all for themselves. ok fine, that was a sweet moment, to know i had held my tongue but they still know now) but to take advantage of whatever advantages you have monetarily, or though pre-nuptial agreement, would be opening door to bad things happening. for both you and your child.

it is hard for men to understand some of these issues, re: kids and emotions, but really dig down and try. be as amicable as you can. treat her as you would want to be treated in the position she is in, even if she does not deserve it. its not for her, its for your integrity, and whats best for your child. life IS A TEST, and there is no do-over.

please think it over, then over, then over again. while you are thinking, try to do something to improve your relationship. you can't change others, but you can do all you can, so you know when it is over, that you didn't give up too soon, or impact your child forever in a bad way from leaping before you look.

....and as a last note,  from someone who has lived both ways, (open and monogomously) monomgamy has serious flaws, but uncharted waters are never smooth sailing. its best to keep it simple, especially with a child involved. they deserve that much......good wishes are hoped, for you to find your path. just don't veere off into bushes before you have it all thought through. one cannot unring a bell. love is the most powerful force in the universe. find a way to harness some of it into your life, for the good of all three of you.

signed, the ex of a very fractious person, who still managed to take the high ground. peace be with you

Answer 11

If you are dissatisfied with your relationship, and do not feel things will get better, then do what is best for yourself.

Prenuptial agreements are put into place to protect the assets you might have in place BEFORE you marry -- whatever you've gained after marriage, is usually split equally, unless the agreement states otherwise... just so you know..

I just hope it works out for you.  

Answer 12

No judgmental people please?  What exactly is your question then?  You & your wife s***w some chick on the side.  That's a winner right there.  She's a better mother to your child?  A girl that screws married couples is a better role model?  YAY!

You need help with your boy?  Put him in daycare so he doesn't have to grow up around a bunch of whores.  How does that sound?  Seeing as how you are GAINFULLY EMPLOYED you should be able to afford that.  Or does that just mean that you work at Walmart?  

Answer 13

if you're not in love end the relationship dont stay and suffer if you arent happy tell her she isnt stable enough to be a wife and mother so you are ending the marriage just tell her