I want feedback on this story idea, wants some feedback!?

Question

So here it is...

In the near future, there is this utopian society (not 100% utopian but is aiming for it). The government has put these chips inside everyones heads to make it to they know what there thinking,seeing etc.

In doing so there is no crime because they can stop it because of the chips. But one day... people come into this society via time travel or just come out of nowhere. They don't have the chip so no one knows what they are doing. Things start going wrong, very wrong.

Terrorist attacks such as bombing,shootings and gassing. No one can find out who is doing this because they cant track or see the people via brain chip.

So the police or utopian military (which are like cops) call upon a detective to try to figure it all out. Since in the past they didnt need detectives. So its a whole story based on thrills,action, drama, gun fights, etc.

I might want to make it into a graphic novel. I just wanted to see what people think. Would like feedback. Thanks much.

Answer 1

I think it's pretty average unless you attach some sort of a significant message to it...it can't just be robots and computer chips and terrorist attacks.  If there is some meaning behind it, it might be a winner but right now I just feel like I've seen it before.

Answer 2

I think it's a great idea, but the futuristic, science-fiction aspect of it clearly targets a certain audience.

It's been years since I read it, but the implanted chip idea reminds me of Brave New World. I agree with a previous comment about having a message. For example, a statement about human nature and the effects of being strictly controlled without free will or the opposite: what happens when humans are allowed to act through their own will? "The horror! The horror!"  

Answer 3

Who are the real bad guys?

Is it a government that excessively controls its people or is it the criminals and terrorists, or are both at fault.

You might consider making your detective someone who has been exiled because of ties to past societies.

Interesting idea.  

Answer 4

In your story idea, one of the sources of tension involves privacy and secrecy.  I think one thing that needs to be fleshed out are these attackers.  Why are they attacking the Utopian society?   Do they see the Utopian society as a kind of Orwellian nightmare?  Or has their "secret" culture come under threat because of the expansionist policies of the Utopian society?  Etc.  IF these terrorists are just "bad guys", then the story will seem a little shallow because we know the outcome.  Also, it's important to have interesting and appealing adversaries so that the reader feels more invested in the protagonist.

The detective figure is interesting because he would have to 'rediscover' the art of being a detective -- which links him to a host of literary figures like Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Sam Spade, and even that lady from 'Murder She Wrote'.   In this journey of discovery, the detective may end up "discovering" the importance of logic, critical thinking, and problem solving in a way that the Utopian society doesn't appreciate.  

There's a Star Trek Voyager episode that explores similar ideas and concepts -- not on the grand scale as described in your post.  The episode is: Random Thoughts.  It's the tenth episode of Season 4.  

You should check it out.  Maybe Netflix has it?

Also, there are a couple of episodes involving Seven of Nine (former Borg) which involve an exploration of the problems of being part of the Borg collective.  Being part of the Borg is like having a cell-phone on 24/7, except you can hear everyone's conversations.  You're never really alone.  These episodes might help you articulate your ideas about the Utopia?   What happens to human relationships when you're 'connected' 24/7?  What's the status of dreams?  Nightmares?  Does the Utopian society punish people for dreaming about liberty?  Hm...

Answer 5

Go watch Equilibrium and deviate entirely from anything that happens in that movie. I know your plot is relatively different, but it's also strikingly similar.

Answer 6

definitely an action book. its sounds pretty good. but the story could be completely different on wat point of view u r using. it would b interesting if it was the time travelers point of view or the detectives.

sounds good!