I want honest unbiased opinions on a book i'm writing. This is a small portion of it. Have at it. =)?

Question

"Help! Help me... please," I moan. This pain its unbearable. Where is it coming from... that noise. Indescribable, it haunts me. The tantalizing wait to find either refuge or an even worse fate sits in front of me. All I see is white. The blinding scenery covers my body making it numb. I stand, a statue hesitating to move and announce its presence. Days go by it seems. Two choices, wait till the deadly cold climbs up my body to my throat and steals my last breath, or reach out in front of me to grasp the doorknob that could reveal my worst nightmare. The latter pushes to deceive me into believing it's the better of the two but I know. Both are equivalent if what lies behind the door is what I imagine it to be. I dare not look back, though I can tell that what follows me is dreadful as I am. Fear surrounds me and though I don't move, everything around seems to be watching the sole image of me and the door. I feel the foreshadowed cold begin to grip at my

feet. I must act quickly if I wish to survive. Warmth... a hand on my back... I turn around against my judgment... and look upon death.

Answer 1

I truly thing it's good, u have very vivid imagination, and i would like to know more about ure book.

Answer 2

I agree with Andy. I can feel the effort you put in to trying to convey the characters feelings.

The key to good writing is for that to be invisible.

Try using less adjectives and delving into the characters mind a bit more.

Some writing courses would help channel your writing and give structure.

Don't feel dejected, you have obvious potential and taking on feedback is what makes a good book great.

Answer 3

I say keep writing and post more. You obviously posted a very short segment from your writing so there's no telling where the story could go. I think that this could develop into a very compelling dramatic novel. hope this helps. good luck with your book :)

Answer 4

its good...its so dramatic and full of emotion...=)

Answer 5

It just seems...forced. Like you are trying to convey emotions and thoughts, but...its just not getting there. Its not real enough. I can't relate to this story or this charater. I am aware that i'm reading a paragraph, rather than being swept away, pulled into the story.

The last line is very good though. I hope i didn't discourage your writing, keep it up, you may get there someday. Maybe take a writing course?

Answer 6

Keep on writing I say! Very interesting. :)

Answer 7

I like it. What is the title of your book going to be?