I want kids now, and my husband wants to wait. How do I deal with this?

Question

I want to have kids before I'm 30, but I'm only 21 right now. I just have that maternal feeling, and my husband wants to wait a few years. We had already agreed on having 3 kids before we got married and NOW he's changed his mind.

He only wants 2. I've tried to talk to him, but he doesn't understand how I feel. After he scolded me about it, I quit trying to talk to him. I don't want to force him, I know that ruins marriages and that nagging makes it worse. He now says he doesn't want kids until after 30 and I don't agree. He won't talk to me about it, everytime I try he get's angry and say's I'm nagging him. Now, everytime he sees children he sees the worst in them. He points out the bad parenting of other people but blames it on the kid. Yeah I'm sure that spoiled kid decided to be mean all by himself... He says he want kids eventually everytime I bring it up, but he says he doesn't know at what time he''ll want them. I'm very uneasy and seeing people pooping out babies is making it worse for me(in a southern state, so most people have a kid by age 21). Plus endometriosis runs in my family(mom, aunt, AND grandma) and I'm afraid I'll end up with it. so you see why I want kids before I'm 30. The higher the age, the greater the complications.

Bottome line: How do I deal with this? Do I get a dog or another pet I'd like to subdue the feelings? My husband doesn't even want me to have pets either.

All I have is college and household duties... He's always on the computer playing guildwars.

What do I do? How do I make the feeling go away? It's like a longing I never knew I could have.. I just want to wait until he's ready, but I feel like he never will be because of his actions. I know he wants ot be young and free, but why should I have to suffer? Any advice?

Answer 1

First of all, it's ok if he wants to wait a little. My brother just got married; he is 26 and she is 20. She says she wants to have a child now, where he wants to wait a little. I totally on his side and believe they need to establish their family unit first. I do understand her, too. When I got married, we decided to have a child right away, but we had a different situation. We dated 4 years and both have really good paying jobs. In their situation, by brother is the only one working since she had to move here from another state.

Well, anyways - back to you. I think your husband has freaked-out a little. Maybe all he hears at work (or somewhere else) is horror stories about childbearing and parenting. Give him time. Just tell him that you're ready to have a child with him and once you're ready, please let me know. After you have a first child, he might become a totally different person.  

Answer 2

Your 21 now, so that means you have 9 years.  Don't be in a rush, especially with the way things are these days.  You don't want to end up being a single mother divorced and trying to scratch out a living while raising kids.

Drop the subject for awhile, anyone who is being nagged about something is going to bristle every time it is brought up, and will be the last thing he wants.

Go ahead and get the dog, if your husband has a problem with it just tell him that it's how your dealing with waiting for him to be ready to have children.  Unless he wants children, he's going to have to deal with the dog.

Answer 3

You picked the wrong guy to marry.

Answer 4

Let me get this straight - you are 21 years old, still in school, and you are upset because your husband wants to wait before having kids?  I think you would be wise to wait until your marriage is more solid and you finish school before worrying about kids.

Chances are your husband will change his mind about kids over the years.  He may decide he doesn't want to wait until 30, or he may want to have 10 kids once you get started.  What he is saying now is how he feels now.  If you pressure him, he will feel more negative about the idea.

You may also find that you will change your mind as time passes.  Once you graduate from college and start a career, you may want to get established before having kids.  You might find you only want one child.  The point is, no one knows how you and your husband will feel in 2,  5 or 10 years.

Your impatience is more a sign of your immaturity than anything else.  Take your time, talk to your husband, and if you find that your long-term goals and desires are too different, you may have married the wrong man.  If so, it is better to find that out before children are involved.

Answer 5

All I can tell you is to enjoy the free time you have and be more patient,

it will only bring about more problems if you rush things.

Answer 6

Kids  will make your life a living h**l if you do not raise them right.

You have to dump your love 24 hrs a day 7 days a week...it's no cake walk.

There are very few people that have accomplished this task of Mother-hood and Father-hood and the result is your child ends up with terrible two's, three's, fours,...infact your child is a mess, a walking nightmare and people will look in your face and say you need to discipline your children.

My wife and I raised three children and dumped every ounce of love we had.

We never went out to a club or dinner without our children.

We never hired a babysitter so that she and I could have a good time.

Your children are not pawns and some  people in America do not raise their children right.

When my first child was born we were comitted for life and put them all through College.  We did a fine job and you would think it ends right?...oh h**l no, the grandchildren are on the way...it never ends.

When you understand that concept what I just wrote then ask yourself again are you really ready to have children.

The only time we hired a babysitter was because we had to work and that was the only time we used a babysitter.

I trusted very few people with my children.

Over protected parent...you d**n right with all this c**p going on in this world, child abductors, pedophiles...ect

Thank God none of that c**p entered my children's lives. They are grown and on their own.

So now if you really want children the last thing to say is how much money do you got?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$YOUR GONNA NEED IT

Answer 7

bottom line is the only real choice you have is to wait, and why are you arguing over how many kids you will have, why don't you take it one child at a time. Other than the health issues, is the only reason you want children is because you are bored?  I mean honestly wait, enjoy your life, get a job, save some money, having children is a lifetime commitment to that child, maybe your husband is doing this the right way.

Answer 8

The feeling will never go away, you want something that you talked about and now things have changed for him for whatever reason. It sounds like you really need to have a heart to heart talk with him, waiting can be good and bad but many things can happen in nine years, besides the fact of being almost 50 when they graduate high school you have other things that will come along in life that will seem more important that raising kids, I wish you the best and would hope that maybe he just needs someone to show him all the good points of raising kids and why lost time is just that.....Lost Time....good luck

Answer 9

I know it seems like you may never have kids right now, but you will. I was 19 when I got pregnant and i'm 31 now with 3 kids and I have endometriosis. You should finish school before anything else. Otherwise you won't be able to for a very long time. I don't know how long you have been married, but however long, kids takes a toll on marriage. Even great marriages. It will really put you guys to the test. Maybe he's not ready cuz he's scared. Financially and emotionally it's hard on you both. Plus, if he's gonna be the breadwinner while you're at home, then you gotta try to understand. I would finish school and then talk to him again. You can have kids if you have endometriosis so don't worry about that. Enjoy being young and being able to go where you want when ever you want. Cuz a baby means that that part of your and his life is OVER! lol

Answer 10

Don't have kids with this guy you will be left to raise them by yourself I'm willing to bet he's cheating and doesn't want to commit to having kids with you in case he gets caught or decides to leave you for the other lady sorry to say this but that is smart on his part you know to not  have kids you don't expect to hang around to help raise...  Sorry for your pain

Answer 11

First of all it is your right to have child/children. Next you are right, better to have children before reaching 30 years especially to women.

He cannot make you to forego your natural motherhood. This is also because, he may not be knowing anything about the difference in men and women body structure. His behaviour looks childish.

Now this subject should be taken up with your Parents and Inlaws. See that whether he changes his attitude. Next you have to take him to a psychiatrist or a children specialist for proper advise.

or you have to threaten him that you will take divorce on this point.

Is he not behaving in bed as a husband or whether you are following any family planning programme? Then stop that programme immediately.

Whoever plays games on computer, even after marriage, will never grow up as Adults.  

Answer 12

Buy yourself baby-books and magazines and just leave them around the house. What I do with my boyfriend is look for a time where it's super quiet and I know he isn't busy, just ask him "hey babe if we have a boy what would be a good name?" and then ask the same question but for a girl. Give hints without actually saying it ,ya know? eventually he will get the hint..........

This may seem a bit personal but I'll say it anyway, when you are intimate, hold him and look him in his eyes and show him your passion and allow him to understand how serious you are? Blurt out a name for a little girl and just smile. Don't push him into something though hon because then ya might accidentally push him out of love/the relationship. Hope my advice helps ,good luck to you and your future !

Answer 13

Compromise is the name of the game. Let all the baby talk subside for a year or two. See how it goes. Maybe after a couple years of freedom he may be more willing, in your time frame. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but it's that or you find another to satisfy your need now. I don't think you want the latter so please consider giving this some time.

As far as number of kids, initially I wanted 3 and he wanted 2. Basically we both got what we wanted for a short period of time. We had our first 2, a boy and a girl. We thought, that's perfect. But then came along our beautiful surprise, another boy. So, now we have 3 wonderful children. We also had the attitude that having children young will enable us to have a full adult life when we were older, had more money, more knowledge, etc.

The two of you need to take a break from talking about this and focus on being a strong couple. Which in the long run will be the best thing for your future family.

Answer 14

If the problem is as severe as you describe, he is the wrong guy for you. He is at a different point in his life than you are. He may still want kids later on - but you guys are so young; it's totally understandable that he wants to take his time. I think, you will be hard-pressed to find a guy your age who has a burning desire to have kids; you may have to look for someone a few years older, who's gone through the whole college-kid, videogame mentality and has left it behind. Someone in his late 20s who is ready to settle down and have a family. Your husband isn't ready right now, and it may take several years for him to grow into it - by which time your marriage will be in shambles because of mutual resentment. Look for a man who is mentally and emotionally ready to be a father; someone whose mission in life is to play Guildwars is not it.

Answer 15

You're nine years from 30.  What's your hurry?  Quit nagging him about it.  His feelings may change for the better if you stopped your incessant nagging.  

Answer 16

How old is your husband?

urself is very young 21.

yes the maternal urge will rise from time to time.

You need to understand your husband's feeling. Is he coping with his career well? because men WILL think about the responsibility in having a child and some will think they are not ready yet.

Its better to wait rather than having a child forcefully. The father will somehow have negative feelings towards the child if you force it.

Wait until you both are ready and wanting the child. You can "nudge" him but never force him.

"I know he wants ot be young and free, but why should I have to suffer?"

he will say the same to you.

"I know she wants to be a mother, but why should I have to suffer?"