I want my in-laws out of my personal business?

Question

I love my husband very much but I cannot stand his family. They are completely different people from my family. My family is very good about respecting privacy and minding their own business and not "judging" others. My husband's family is quite the opposite. Your business is literally the "entire" families business and they seem to really make an effort to get everybody involved even if you ask them not to. I can't stand it anymore and I have asked my mother-in-law repeated times to respect my business and she just doesn't seem to get the hint. She thinks it is okay if she tells her husband and other son and her sister but doesnt realize that they are just like her and tell others and before you know it, the whole family knows. They are very judgmental people too. I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with his family. I feel like I am always on trial with his family and I am tired of it. My family never treats my husband that way and is nothing but respectful to him and his personal life. I don't know what to do. Should I just withdrawl myself from his family and stop talking to them? I cannot carry a personal conversation with anyone in his family because they gossip with each other too much. I hate going to see them and I hate it when they come to see us. I can't stand being around them. I feel they are such hypocrites too. They will be all nice to you and then turn around and gossip about you with everyone else. They seem to forget that they are imperfect people as well. I can't talk to my husband about it because he is always on the defensive if I talk about how much his family bothers me and he thinks I read too much into stuff but that is because he is not personally going through it. I am always so uncomfortable around his family and am constantly wondering what they think about me and it makes the whole situation just awkward. How should I handle this?

Answer 1

I have the same problem and i'm at a loss. Nothing I do is right. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. His mother came to town last week and it went bad. I couldn't take her anymore, telling me how to raise my daughter and how my way of thinking is wrong.  The person who said to ignore and be polite is wrong.  They can sense when your uncomfortable or acting different, but I'm not saying telling them off is going to make it better either. My husband mother wants me to act like myself but if I did I would be telling her to shut up every five minutes and the things I would say would offend her. I'm not a mean person, but i'm silly and fun loving, everything there not. My husband tells me her pushing things on us she just how she is and he wont talk to her but if he doesn't then I can see things going bad fast. We have one daughter and we want another child but I'm not sure I can deal with his family butting in ever second on another child, or how we live our life. I think the only way to handle it is to be a team with your husband, but I don't know how to do that if they don't care. I think as long as there child isn't bothered there going to continue. So some how you have to get your husband to understand or to talk to them about how it affects things.

Answer 2

You cannot change anyone, don't try.  You must be polite since they are your husband's family. Do this for his sake.  Keep quiet, don't voice any opinions that may be considered controversial.  Definitely DON'T criticize them to your husband, you will only make him defensive, just as you have already discovered.  Many people have this dilemma, be mature about it.

Answer 3

I think your husband IS the one who should set his family straight on this. My first marriage was so much like this and thats one of the major reasons it did not last - my spouse at the time could not see what this family was doing to me and i finally had had enough. He thought i should trust them blindly with our personal info - i refused. When I divorced their son, they sued me to get our house, and i found out there was a lot more going on that i realized. Protect yourself.

Answer 4

There are many good books that explain co-dependency.  You would greatly benefit from any and all literature that addresses this "problem".  My in laws are just as bad and it took me years to figure it out, research, understand and control.

It will be a shock for them, but the first line of defense is boundaries.  Of course, they haven't a clue what this word means, to them it is the fence around their yard.  You can start now by practicing strong boundaries.  So, that means don't tell them anything -- nada -- zip.  You will need to ask your husband not to discuss you, or your personal life with him, among his family-- which means you can't discuss his family with him.  That's first.  You can still be nice, civil, all that c**p, but always maintain your boundaries.

That's a start.  I still highly recommend that you educate yourself about co-dependency.  Knowledge is a wonderful tool, and weapon.

Best Wishes!

Answer 5

My husband's family is the same way.  They take things way to far! My husband's family really doesn't like me and they spread nasty rumors about me to everyone.  They have said that I have made my husband so poor that we have to live with our son in a 1 bed room apartment (we have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house)  they have said that our son isn't really his because he was only home 2 week the whole year (military family) I'm extremely allergic to peaches, they make sure everything at the table is laced in the stuff so I never can eat when we go over.  I had to finally prove to my husband how mean they are to me.  His sister posted a comment on my myspace picture that said WHOA you are so fat you look pregnant again!  Finally that was it, everything else came out and now my husband only calls his family maybe once every 3 months.  We don't visit anymore, we don't really even talk much to them when we do call.  Like I said they don't really believe that our son is my husband's so when we get the christmas newsletter it doesn't state anything about him.  Just know in laws suck and it seems like from what my g/fs have told me everyone has some crazy in laws.  AT LEAST THEY AREN'T YOUR FOLKS!! :)

Answer 6

your marriage will not last since you married soeone 'completely different from your family'......'don't give 'em anything to talk about dear...'

Answer 7

First of all, it is your husbands family, that is the way he was raised and he is comfortable with it, so dont talk to him about it.  Secondly, they are not going to change.  Third, dont tell them your business.  Why are you worried about what they think of you?  It doesnt matter, you are married to your husband, not to the package deal.  Lighten up, if you dont indulge information to them, what do they have to talk about!  Keep your visits as short as possible and remember to watch "Everybody Loves Raymond".

Answer 8

The most important thing you need to handle this is agreement from your husband about how both of you will handle it. Without that, you will be attacking and he will be defending...which basically means that the 2 of you will be fighting while your inlaws gossip about it.

(I will also point out that when you compare your family to his you are actually strengthening his need to defend. Keep the two separate - when you are talking about his family, keep the focus on them and only them. Keep yours out of it or eventually you risk him becoming resentful of them. Right now that relationship is good - don't mess with it.)

I think the type of agreement to negotiate is this: both of you agree to keep your private life private - no sharing with the inlaws of anything that you don't want to become public knowledge. Consult with each other before you tell.

In getting this agreement, you need to point out how boundaries are to protect your marriage and your family. You do not need to point out how bad his family is - do you see the difference?

You also need to agree that if/when his family is disrespectful to you, he is the one who needs to step in and put an immediate stop to it. If he doesn't the disrespect will not only continue but it will escalate.

If you and your husband agree on this I think it will solve or at least lessen the problem - wish you all the best!