I want my wife back but I dont want to pressure her?

Question

I have had a rocky relationship with my wife, we have been seperated for some time now and I have always kept my word that I wanted my marriage to work. She has been involved with another person but now that relationship is over and now she says she wants to be by herself, she allows him to still come over sometimes as well as myself but I feel its not a good thing if I want to try to win my wifes heart back. She says she is not ready to give me another chance yet and when I bring it up she gets mad, I dont intentionally do it but I feel she is gonna let this person smoothe talk her into staying with him. I havent stopped loving my wife, I feel we all go through life and make mistakes and we should learn from them, my church family tells me I need to just leave her alone and give her space and time to miss me, they say by me going over at times and having outtings she dont miss me she sees you as being as one and not as seperated thats the reason she doesnt want to come back. They feel that what I say to her to try to get her back is only making her put more distance in our relationship, I want to make it work cuz its the Godly thing to do but I dont want to pressure her or make her feel like my time spent with her is as a couple, what should I do

Answer 1

you have to give her a chance to miss you and want you.  She wont do that if you are always there.  Your church family is right.  I know its hard but you have to do it.  maybe you can start dating a bit or just hanging out with some friends woul help

Answer 2

ok i will tell her what you feel, after we r done on bed ..she is just getting ready for our ritual.  

Answer 3

Just be patient and give her space.

Answer 4

Yes she is going to need her space, time to think about the entire situation. You can't pressure  someone to come back into the relationship. That might only drive her farther away from you.

**And on the same side she needs to make sure that she is not leading you on. You said that she is letting you as well as he person she is seeing to come by her home....if she knows that she is not willing to get back with you, then she needs to be honest and tell you how she is feeling.***

Just take it slow...maybe meet for lunch, go to the movies.... Good Luck

Answer 5

theyre wrong and right.  some space but keep regular contact.

youre a good guy trying to make it work.  good luck

Answer 6

I think from what you said it doesn't sound like you have a very good chance of getting her back. Maybe too much has happened? She has already been in another relationship and now that's gone bad. I am thinking you are old news to her at this point. I think you should dust yourself off and get on with your life man. Sorry but you asked.

Answer 7

ask her for one day a week to be with just her,going out and being friends. dont push her to hold your hand or kiss you. take her out treat her with respect and just talk ,but not about you two. take a walk,visit a zoo, do something out of your way that is different. then on the days your not with her dont bug her.  mail her a card with a small note telling her your be there for her. following week send flowers to work. keep her reminded of who you are but dont be pushy. shes the one who need to deciede. go out and make new friends and hang out with others. let her see you if possible with others to show her your not just sitting around. but dont do anything more then say hi and walk on. when she sees you out it will make her think harder about what she wants. dont let her walk all over you though and keep you on a string and pull you in when the other guys not around.give her a few months. if she hasnt let you know by then, then tell her your letting her go. if that doesnt make her choose you then it sounds like you already lost her and theres nothing you can do.

Answer 8

first of all, your wife will not be interested in getting back with you because of religious reasons.  she will want to be married to you because you treat her like a queen and show kindness and consideration.

i commend you for forgiving her with the other fellow.  

you can't force her or coerce her into going back to you.  you have to show by your actions that you are there for her and that you would have a happy home together.

by all means take her on dates, if you just "leave her alone" she's going to think you don't really care very much.  maybe give her a couple of weeks at the most, but stay in touch without pressuring her.

pretend you just met her, and woo her with kind words, compliments, small gifts, friendly and loving phone calls and be sure she knows she can count on you for anything (like she should call you first if the car breaks down, and you take care of it for her).

start planning for the future, really envision it in your mind.  set some goals.  and from time to time, it's ok and good to talk about those goals, like vacations you would like to take together and how it will be to move into a new home together, and the family the two of you might have together.

make a mental list of the things she likes, her favorite hobbies, pass-times and colors.  stop by at work and bring her a hot lunch.  offer to help mow her lawn or fix her stove.  start acting like a husband, because what all women want is someone reliable, someone they can trust, someone that will protect her.  agree with her, and tell her you were wrong (even if you were right).

don't push the "physical" aspect of your relationship.  that will come later, after you are back together as a couple.

since you are going over there anyway, bring a chick flick romantic dvd and force yourself to watch it with her.  just relax and stop being so pushy.

Answer 9

Lorenzo... Your wife responses reminded me of how I was sometimes ago.  

As she told you that 'she is not ready' to give you another chance 'yet', the best thing for you to do is to respect it.  In fact, that is your best chance.  Listen to her words very carefully and don't take anything for granted.  She is afraid of repeating the painful times!  In the hurt part of her, you have had your chance and she wants to forget the pain and move on....  but she couldn't just forget the pain nor you, that is why she gets mad!

I appreciate that you want to make your marriage work and probably are eager to put some effort into it.

From a woman's perspective, your story suggest that the key is infact in addressing the 'rocky' part of the relationship.  I would say that she misses you (or missed you) already but remember too much unhealed pain to be near you and have her feelings for you stired up.  So, your first task is actually to address this pain in the most gentle way possible.

She needs plenty of space right now, not to be overwhelmed.  May be that is why she was involved with someone else and that didn't work out.

You are not giving enough information here about what went wrong in your marriage in the first place nor why you separated nor how long she was involved with this new man.  

I can tell you, though, that putting yourself into the same category with this man does not aid your course.....  (you still are the man she had chosen and married - remember that always in your heart, rather than from the place of ego & pride) and from what you are saying, your wife sounds like a sensible and forthright woman.  I don't think any man would be able to 'sweet talk' her as such!

If you really want to save this marriage... my suggestion is this:

1.  Have a good long careful consideration of what part you played in the breakdown of your marriage.  Learn your lessons from this.  i.e. be responsible for you.  You will need this information to rescue your marriage.

2.  Find a suitable opportunity to talk to her. (if you think you won't find an ideal situation or that emotions are likely to run too high, do a hand written letter on very nice paper - or do both, just in case!)  Ask her to listen to you for a few minutes and promise that you are not about to talk her into anything but just to express something you should have realized & said  long ago. Tell her that you have considered what she said very carefully and respect her wishes 'to not be in a relationship' at this moment. (please dont use 'to be alone')

       What you need to say is ....  

       First to appologize 'for any pain you may have caused' (don't worry about getting any appologies at this stage) and 'for breaking her heart'.  Try to use just these words without going into the detail of incedents.  Please try to really feel it ...  feel humble, be open and no expectations whatsoever.  I mean open your heart but not pour your emotions.

       Next tell her what you lessons you learnt!  (keep it short, to the point & without any justifications) Tell her that you have learnt these lessons and appreciate there are more you are still learning.

       Thank her for her patience, for the time you shared and for her role in helping you learnt these valuable life lessons.

       Then tell her that you would very much like to 'make' this marriage work will commit to what it takes to work through it. (not another chance, not winning her heart ...  no signs of second rate anything)  Having learnt these lessons, you are confident that if both of you want this, you can make it work and have a strong & happy marriage.

       Then say  'I never stop loving you, never for one moment.  And I really would like our marriage to work and have you in my arms again, but I respect your wishes and I am going to give you the space to work out what is right for you.  I don't want to cause you any more pain.  If I can do anything to help you ease it, or feel safer with me, or if you need to talk I will be there for you.'  Try to keep to this structure and as close to this as possible but in your own words.

       Be centred and open.  Look at her, into her eyes all the way through.  Stay calm.

       Then you can give her a long friendly hug (even go as far a peck on the lips but no further and must not have any sexual under/over tone).  Take the cue from her, when she begins to pull away stop and let her out of your arms.  If she shrink into herself but not creating distant ...  hold on to her.

       Then you must leave !  This give her time to digest and no chance for her fears to build a case against being with you  + simulate not having you in her life at all.

3.  From time to time say at least once within 4-6 weeks period (don't be predictable like clockwork nor pester her every few days for answer), if you haven't heard form her, get in touch.  Just to show you think of her,that you care and to find out how she is doing.  No pressure!  Keep it

Answer 10

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make your marriage work, but you also can't make someone want you. It probably would be best if you step back and give her space. Maybe even to the point of not running into her intentionally. If it is by accident, (really by accident) that is different. Just say hello and turn and walk away. While I don't condone extra marital relationships, you cannot stop her from wanting something else. If you keep putting yourself in her way she will go around you if that's what she really wants. Give her the space, pray and stay faithful to her. Either she will come back to you and then you can start to mend your relationship or you will separate for good. I know what it's like, been there, done that. He found someone else and it was hard.  It took me quite some time to let go. Take on some extra work or a new past time and spend as much time as possible with your church family to keep busy and pray, alot. I hope this helps, and I will keep you in my thoughts as well.