I want to adopt but my husband isn't so sure?

Question

We have been trying for 3 years to conceive. I have had 2 miscarriages in the last year and I don't want to go thru that again. Not the physical or emotional aspects. The worst part is my best friend found out she was pregnant a week before I did this last time, except I miscarried. It's hard for me to even be around her knowing that I should be there too; all big fat and pregnant.

So I have been bringing up adoption. ALOT. My mother was adopted and it feels natural to me.

My husband wants to keep trying to concieve because he doesn't think he 'll love an adopted child fully?

Has anyone else had these problems?

Answer 1

Give him time...he may come around.

Dad's often have more of an issue with this, just as they have more of an issue holding newborns...it just takes time.

When that baby of yours, no matter where it comes from, looks into his eyes, and stares into his soul...it will all be ok. :)

Hang in there....the best is yet to come.

Answer 2

I hope that this will be an encouragement.  When I was a teenager, I babysat for a family who had two children - boy and a girl.  The son and his father were the best of buddies and were so funny to watch as all their mannerisms and everything was the same.  

I found out months after I started working for them that their son was adopted.  He was so much like his father that I was shocked.

There was absolutely no difference between the emotion and love that they had for their daughter who was a surprise natural child of theirs and what they felt for their adopted son.

The mother expressed that they had the same reservation when they went to adopt and that they were both glad that they didn't have other children because they assumed that they would naturally tend to love their biological child more.  She told me that nothing could be farther from the truth.  They loved their children dearly and never felt the slightest inclination to be more attached to their daughter than their son.  

And their son was nearly 18 months old when they adopted him so they didn't even have the earliest baby months.

I think that his feelings are quite natural and show a deep concern for being a loving and caring father which is very admirable.  I would talk to other adoptive parents to get their perspective, see how many others have also felt this way, and see how often this fear is reality vs. how often it is unfounded.

Answer 3

This is a common way of thinking.  I am not sure if it is genetic or something else, men want to pass on their DNA and women want to nurture.  Every single time, without exception, I hear a couple say "we are considering adoption but we are not sure" it is the wife who wants to adopt while the husband is not so sure.

My wife and I are proud parents of a fifteen month old adopted son.  I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me that my son looks just like me.

Adoption is the most frustrating, expensive and rewarding thing I have ever done.  Be sure you are both gung ho on the idea before you start the process.  Let me also state that the two of you should be sure you are doing this for the right reasons.  The right reason to adopt is because you and your husband love each other, love children and want to grow your love by expanding your family.  keeping up with the Joneses is a bad reason to want to adopt.

If you have any specific questions feel free to e-mail me, I will help the best I can.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Find a local adoption support group of adoptive parents who have successfully adopted children. Let him see that it is a very natural way of making a family. he is afraid of it because it is unknown to him. Once people see families with adopted children and how functional they are, they come to realize that it is a possibility and they can and do love adopted children. men especially fall victim to little girls. I should put him in contact with a friend of mines husband. She wanted to adopt years before he was ready (they have three bio boys). After their first adoption her formerly reluctant husband was quoted as saying "This is great! Everyone should do this at least once." They now have three adopted children.

Good luck! My local adoption group allows people who are considering adopting to attend meetings and ask questions. Often times inappropriate questions are askedin public and most of us don't like to answer them in front of our children. However, when you know the motives are pure, we are more than happy to answer questions.

Answer 5

Your husband is acting normal.  Most men have this need to produce "their seed", and can't grasp adoption at first.  I would recommend this.  Ask him if he will go to an agency meeting where you will be with other couples "thinking" about adoption themselves.

My husband was in the same boat as yours when we started our adoption journey. What we found after attending the first meeting of several, was that the women mainly dominated the conversation at first, however, when the social workers asked the men their opinions, they were pretty much the same, ie; not sure, confused, not totally on board.

When I saw my husband's face after learning he wasn't alone, the guys all started talking more, they became a little "click", had something in common.  By the third meeting, they were all "in" for the ride. They learned more about the process, and the possible "shame" they felt prior to the process, was totally gone.

You both need to talk with adoptive couples.  You will not only learn a world of information, but more than likely build new relationships with people who share your interests.

A reputable agency in your area is the best way to go. Start making calls, and ask them for references if possible.

Answer 6

TAKE YOU HUSBAND TO SEE SOME KIDS THAT ARE UP FOR ADOPTAN. AND HE MAY CHANGE HIS MIND. BECAUS WE NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU BOTH THAT CAN LOVE A  CHILD. JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER I WAS TOO ADOPTED,IF THEIR WERE NOT PEOPLE LIKE YOU ME AND YOUR MOTHER PROBLEMABLE BE NO WERE. SO DON'T GIVE UP.AND DON'T SHY AWAY FROM YOUR FRIEND THAT IS PREG. SHE WAS NOT HER FELT YOU HAD A MISSCARRIAGE. JUST TELL YOUR SELF IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY. AND IT WILL. WHEN GOD GETS REALLY FOR YOU ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ,YOU WILL BE A MOTHER,BY NATURE,OR ADOPTAGE. IT WILL HAPPEN.IT JUST NOT YOUR TIME. MY MOTHER LAST HER FIRST SON BEFORE AND AFTER BIRTH. SO GOD THOUGH HER NOT TO GIVE UP AND 3 YEARS LATER HERE I WAS. SHE WENT TO THIS BIG BUILDING AND THEIR I WAS. SHE DID NOT GO THEIR TO GET A BABY,BUT JUST TO LOOK. AND SHE WALKER OUT WITH A PRETTY LITTLE GIRLS,AND 3 MONTHS LATER I WAS ADOPTED,SO NOW I HAVE TWO DAYS TO THINK GOD FOR ,MY BIRTHDAY AND THE DAY I WAS ADOPTED. SDO DON'T GIVE UP IT WILL HAPPEN,I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ON THIS.

Answer 7

It’s understandable that your husband at this time feels he might not love an adopted child as much as a natural one. I am 99.99% positive that if you all adopted a child that when he or she is placed in your DH arms that he will love it with his entire heart and more.   Just because you want to adopt doesn’t mean you have to stop trying for a biological child. Reading some forums over at adoption.com, there were two woman who adopted and though weren’t suppose to be able to get pregnant with in months of adopting their children they discoveed they are now expecting. That’s not the first case I have heard of couple my cousins now were trying for like 5 or 6 years, finale decided to adopted about 8 or 9months later after brining their child hope, they got pregnant.  Not saying that this would happen with you all for sure but regardless you’d all have a child to love and then suddenly getting a bio child would just be icing on the cake, and your adopted child would now have a sibling. You might go over to adoption.com.

Answer 8

give him time to think cuase that is a big decision.

Answer 9

It sounds like most everyone here agrees that it generally takes longer for the hubby to come on board regarding adopting.  Same thing happened with me and my husband.  We did the usual routine:  miscarriages, surgeries to "fix" the problems, more miscarriages, injections for IVF...all along the way, he kept holding out on adoption.  He said he was open to it, just "not yet".  Basically he wanted to know that we had exhausted all of the options (and exhausted me along the way!) before we adopted.  

In a sense I couldn't blame him...it's certainly easier to just get pregnant, have the baby, and be done with it.  Instead, with adoption, you share all your personal info, history, financials, etc in a homestudy, pay lots of money, and wait a long time for someone to call you with a referral.  Sometimes I think that it's really a crazy way to start a family...but once it's all done- AMAZING!!!

Anyway, my hubby and I were at an impasse for about 5 years with no movement towards adoption.  He just kept hoping that we'd have a baby the old fashioned way.  I knew that I shouldn't try to talk him into it, because he had to really WANT to do it.  I also knew that it could be a rough road going through the process and I needed him to be totally supportive.  Then one day totally out of the blue, he said "I think we should adopt".  I just about fell over!  

Long story short...we adopted a little boy about 1 1/2 years ago and my husband worships the ground he walks on!  Everything just needed to happen in its "right time"...

Best of luck!  BTW, I do like the idea of connecting with other adoptive parents to help him get used to the whole idea.

Answer 10

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages...

As for your husband's doubts, it's perfectly natural that he doubt his ability to love. Believe me, it's very common. But, start the homestudy process anyway. Talk to him. Let him know that the trying for pregnancy is wreaking havoc with you, physically and emotionally. Reason it out with him. If he is good with other kids (neighbors' kids, for example), point that out too. The reality is that a lot of men doubt their ability to love an adopted child, but when they get near "their" child, they are as good as any birth father. Check out adoption.com or canadaadopts.com to see articles on dad-doubts.

Answer 11

I sympathize with your problem and hope you find a reasonable solution. I, personally, feel incomfortable with the notion of adopting a child. To me, having a child is not about raising any child, regardless of his/her biological origin, but about raising a child that's biologically mine. You might want to consider the possibility that you might conceive naturally shortly after adopting--it happens quite often--and whether or not you think you would love both children equally. Good luck!

Answer 12

I know exactly what you are talking about.  My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have been unable to conceive at all.  After about 2 years of treatments and disappointments, I began to bring up adoption.  My husband would always change the subject.  I would cry and try to explain to him that needed to know that I would be a mother some day.  I also tried to tell him that I was tired of "feeling like a lab rat."  (Anybody else felt that way when going through fertility treatments?)

Anyway, he would never listen because he couldn't seem to understand how difficult it was for me.  Then, one day I met a little boy who changed my life.  He was a foster child and he was up for adoption.  I would talk about him all the time and about how I would love to have him be a part of my family.  He and his brothers were adopted by their foster family, but it got my husband thinking about adoption.  We became foster parents and we love it.  Although we have not had the chance to adopt any of or foster children YET we would have jumped at the chance to adopt any of them.  

Even though we have not adopted yet, my husband now knows, without a doubt that he can love a child that is not his completely.  He can even love a child that we probably won't get to keep.  It is heartbreaking when they go home, but it is so rewarding.  And when you know that the parent(s) are doing well, you can find it in your heart to cheer them on!

You may want to run the idea of fostering past your husband.  One thing I learned from all of this is that you don't want to push him into anything he is not ready for.  After all of this, not only do we plan to adopt through foster care, we also plan to save up for a domestic infant adoption as well!  

By the way, I know exactly how you feel about your friend.  I don't even want to try and count the number of times I have felt that way since getting married.  People seem to think it is selfish to feel that way, but it is just natural.  Best of luck with everything and I hope that your husband comes around!

Answer 13

We dealt with the same issue here at the beginning of our journey. It felt natural to me, but he was not so sure. The truth is that he may not be able to love an adopted child as his own (not everyone is), but he doesn't know that yet! The best solution is education! I highly suggest that you hook up with an agency and sit with a social worker to discuss this issue! They can offer him a lot of information and they usually do not charge for this! If you tell them the truth up front, they can help you both make an educated decision about adoption! But to be honest, he may commit but still be a little unsure until the moment that he holds your new adopted baby in his arms and his heart melts because he knows that no matter the blood line, that is HIS child! In the meantime, keep communication lines open and encourage your husband to express those fears (he has a legitimate concern) so that you guys can work through them! It sometimes takes men a little longer to get to the same place emotionally, but when he does, it will be worth the work that you had to go through to get there! God Bless!

Answer 14

We've been ttc for almost 4 years now so I know exactly how you're feeling.  We've always wanted to adopt but we were hoping to wait until we'd had a couple of our own.  We're starting to face the idea that we may never have our own.  I wanted to start the adoption process about a year ago, but my husband wanted to keep trying for another year.  Well that year is up in a couple months so we're going ahead with adoption now.

I've always been concerned that I myself wouldn't love the child like my own, as I wouldn't have carried it and I wouldn't be able to nurse it etc.  Another reservation from me is that a mother who would give up her child might not be as good to it (in the womb) as I would be to my own so there's the scare of some major problems down the road that I'm not sure I could deal with.

After speaking to other couples who have adopted, they say the world changes after you have that child - whether you carried it or not.  The only differences you'll see in that child from one of our own is the physical appearance.  They turn out the way you raise them and they like things that you like.  A child is always a blessing, and if you can provide a home and lots of love for a child that would otherwise be abandoned, it's worth it!

I understand your husband's reservations but I think that once he gets going in the process he'll start to get really excited!  

It is totally normal for men to be reserved about adoption - they don't have that same ache that women have to need children.

There is one more option for you to consider though - there's a natural fertility specialist organization called NaPro Technology.  They've helped lots of women carry a baby to full term after repeated miscarriages.  You should check it out on the web: www.naprotechnology.com

Good luck with your decision!

Answer 15

Ask you husband if you can please adopt the kid.  Cahnces are you may never have a biological child.  Your body can't anymore.  Tell him that. Explain to him using biolobgy (even if it makes him crige alot. (It makes me cringe too).  Perhaps he'll understandng reason. Besides other mothers have adopted and tey just love the child instantly as soon as they see them.

Answer 16

My husband was actually more supportive of adoption than I was at first.  I too was afraid that I wouldn't love a child that we adopted as much.  My husband just wanted me to be done with the infertility treatments as he saw what they were doing to me.  

For me, personally, I struggled also with having to realize that I would never be pregnant.  That is different than what your husband is obviously experiencing, however, I'm sure that some of the other fears/concerns he has are the same that I had.  What helped me the most was to talk to other adoptive parents and discuss my cares & concerns with them.  

When I met my son, all of my fears/concerns went out the window.  I knew in my heart that this was right.  My heart couldn't hold any more love than what I have for my son.

Good luck to you.  Email my profile if you need any more help/support.