I want to adopt my friend's baby...?

Question

it would be with the hope that she would be able to adopt the baby back at some point but I know there are no guarantees. My problem is that my boyfriend is not happy AT ALL about the idea. I'm not asking him to adopt her (we know it is a girl) with me but to just support me with this decision. It would be an Independent Open adoption. The baby's mother would be able to see her when ever she wanted. She could take her to family events or trips. I want the baby to know who her real mother is but that she would now have TWO families that love her. I have a 2 year old myself by my ex husband and I want her to have a sibling and with the way things are between my bf and I (he doesn't want kids of his own-or not until he is in his 30s to 40s) then I won't be having another baby for at least 10-15 years. Another friend of mine says to go for it because she would want me to be able to do that for her if it was her situation but another says to not do it.

Answer 1

as having been involved in an open adoption i can tell you first hand that what you want and how things will work out in the end are not going to be close. you can not adopt a child and let someone else help you mother her.  that will lead to confusion and the end of the friendship, and you said you want to adopt this child in hopes the mother can take her back at some point. can you so readily give up your child because she will be yours. i dont talk to much about my experience out on the net but if you would like to email me ill be happy to give you my story.

Answer 2

I would seriously think about it before doing this!  Make sure this is what you want to do and remember that it takes alot of responsibility and commitment.  Make sure you are ready for this!  Good luck!

Answer 3

No, don't adopt the baby only for her to be bounced back.  That will be very traumatic.  Once the baby is adopted, that should be it.  She needs something more stable than a single parent home.  Not to be mean, but you and your boyfriend aren't able to provide that, either, since neither of you is married and he doesn't want kids for a while.  What if this friend continues to s***w around and get pregnant?  You won't be able to take in all of her kids.  I do agree with the boyfriend, if she's having s*x, she needs to take care of her responsibilities instead of dumping them off on you.  Makes me think you are more of a friend to her than she is to you.  No, a closed adoption would be best if she can't provide for the child, and hopefully she'll learn a great big lesson and quit having s*x until she's married.

If you really want to adopt, maybe you could adopt a child in whom you have no knowledge of their family.  But if you want to keep your boyfriend involved in your child's life, no nagging him about it, and make sure he gives the okay.  And get married.  Married couples are usually on top of the list of potential adoptees for agencies.

Answer 4

Sounds like a great idea - and possibly the end of a friendship & relationship.

Answer 5

i wouldnt do it. if you love your boyfirend you will respect his feelings. it obviously doesnt sit right with him, and since he is a father figure to your daughter, then you need to respect his descion. Relationships are about compromise..............and if this makes him that uncomfortable that should be a red flag to you no to do it. I understand that you are tryin to help a friend, but you didnt help her get pregnant, it was her mistake so she needs to take care of it. Honestly, would you want to raise her child, oay for its clothes, school, food, furniture, toys etc for the birth mother to take her to her family events and say "that's my daughter"? you really need to think about this before you jump in, think about your boyfriend, your daughter(she would be heartbroken if your bf left), and you.

Answer 6

After reading this long question, it's clear you are ill-prepared to adopt this baby. You constantly contradict yourself, saying you want her to adopt it back, then saying you want your daughter to have a sibling. You're saying she'd live with you but could visit and travel indefinitely with her birth mother. You're setting your family up for broken hearts and you'd have one incredibly confused little baby girl.

Answer 7

You have a very big heart and I wish you the best of luck.  

You need to do what's right for you in this situation.  It's probably not best to take the baby just to help your friend out; you need to adopt her because you want this baby to be yours and you'll love her just like she's yours.  

You also might want to think about the daughter that you already have.  She apparently has really grown attached to your boyfriend if she's calling him "daddy" so if doing this adoption might end your relationship with your boyfriend, then your daughter might really get hurt.  

Also you'll have to think about having to maybe one day give her back to her Mom.  Is that something that you would really be ready to do?  

I really hope that you make an informed decision because adoption is definately a huge deal (which I'm sure you already know) and that everything works out for you and your family.

Answer 8

I think you are off your rocker.  Adoption is supposed to be forever, not for the mother's convenience.  If her living situation is something that may change in 2 years, then get guardianship only. You are not the mommy, but a caregiver.  Otherwise, consider the adoption to be permanent. Sure, it can be open, but she will not regain custody.  I think you both need counseling before you make this decision.

Answer 9

I saw ......... GO FOR IT! You are just trying to help out your friend. I see what your bf is saying, but He doesnt have to help you, that baby sounds like she will have a better life with you than with the birth mother, and at least the birthmother chose life and cares enough for her baby to not abort it and do the hardest thing and give her up for adoption. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 10

The trouble is you wouldn't be loving her and raising her as your own if you do it with the mother remaining in the picture and with the idea that the mother can "adopt her back" later on.

Not all people agree with me, but having two families isn't always better than having one, super-solid, super-stable, permanent family (which is what most children deserve and many of the lucky ones have).  If the child is raised knowing who her "real mother" is (or being told who her "real" mother is) she may never be able to see you as her "real" mother, and she may always know you're the "real" mother to your daughter but not her.

Then there's the issue of your child's having a biological father and then your boyfriend (who is apparently not a second husband and step-father - but just a boyfriend).  Your own child may have a father figure who isn't her "real" father, and then a "sister" who isn't a sister at all and who may no longer be a sister at some later date.

Why not just set up an arrangement with the baby's mother that you'll take care of her baby for her.  Let the baby have her own name and her own, visiting, mother.  Explain to all involved that you're taking care of "Susie" until her mother gets on her feet.  Encourage "Susie's" mother to spend as much time with the baby as possible and only leave her, say, during a work week.  You could see an attorney to get the arrangement in writing so there are no misunderstandings, or you could go to your state's child-services agency, and ask if there's some way they can suggest handling the situation.  (Maybe you'd have to be approved to be a foster mother, and the drawback here would be the child would be in the legal custody of the state and not you - but you'd get paid.)

You also have to consider yourself here:  There's the friend who'd be willing to let you adopt-for-now her baby and take care of it and yet who'd be willing to stay in the baby's life and adopt-her-back later?  What on Earth kind of person would ask you to do all that for her?  Why doesn't she just ask you to mind the baby for a few years?  What's with the adoption talk?  This is apparently a person who doesn't really comprehend the real meaning of the term "adoption" or the real reasons a child should be placed for adoption.  I'd be concerned that she's not too thoughtful/mentally skilled (I don't mean to mean, but how else can I put it).  I'd be worried that I was getting too tied in with someone who isn't too stable or sound or sensible - or interested in doing what is best for her child, which would be to either bring her home and be a good mother to her or else let her be adopted permanently.

Adoption is supposed to be permanent, and it isn't supposed to be half-and-half.  A lot of people believe open adoption is good, but that plan to have the baby unadopted later just brings it to a whole other kind of bizarreness.

I have one adopted, grown, child and two biological, grown, children.  When I signed on it was for the permanent long haul and on the same terms for my oldest son as when I brought the other two children into the world myself.  The bond between me and all three of my children has grown stronger and become more and more solid and cemented over time.  That's what's supposed to happen for children and their parents.  

If you were to develop a super-close bond with this baby you'll be in for some real heartache and serious grief if you end up giving her back.  If she develops a super-close bond with you it will be worse for her later too.  If you keep her at arm's length and don't allow the bond to grow then you'll be short-changing a child who deserves that strong mother/child relationship.

As for you boyfriend, you should do what you have to do and he can "like it or lump it".  The trouble now is if he "lumps it" your little girl will have to get used to not being around that father-figure type she's used to having around.

Just some thoughts.  As you can probably tell, I'm a big fan of keeping families as simple as possible and not having "half-way" parents of one sort or another.   :)

Answer 11

This situation has red flags all over it. If you want to bring a child into your family, you must have 100% support from both parents. You can't just take this baby into your home with the intent of giving her back someday. The system doesn't work that way. Maybe you could become certified as a foster parent and have temporary custody of her until your friend is able to care for her. This just sounds like trouble- especially with your boyfriend. He's been clear on his feelings, don't just hope that this baby will change him. And please think about the long term effects on this child. Good Luck!

Answer 12

let your friend stay with you until she gets on her feet give bout 5 months then after that tell her that the baby can stay but shae need s to go tell you love her but face it if wanted to give to her child she would have found a job and a house by then

when you make your decision think about your child who calls your boyfriend daddy that could hurt a child more than you know and then youll have live with that for the rest of your life

when a new person comes in your life your lil gurl will not acept them

i hope you make the right deccision

tell your friend to be more carefull next time

Answer 13

i would help her but not adopt the baby you will become attached. if her situation is bad and she needs somewhere else to live then if you have room for a baby you should have room for her have her and the baby move in and help them out. if you adopt then you will become attached. plus it will mess with the baby's head. how would you like it if you lived with one family and loved them and then one day your real mom came and took you to live with her. trust me it will not be easy on her.

Answer 14

You intentions are good but I think you need to think this out. Adoption is meant to be forever.  In this case why not just have her name you guardian. To adopt a child with the intention of having the birth parent adopt the child back at a later time is just wrong.  Initially your taking the child till hopefully the mother gets back on her feet, if that’s the case then Guardianship seems like a better choice. Then if the mother was never able to take the child back you could then legally adopt her.  It just like when grandparents sometimes take the grandkids for a while till mom and or dad get back on their feet.

Plus have you thought of this if you adopt this baby and have her for say 2 years+, then birthmother decides she wants to then adopt her back, would you be able too? I very much doubt it; you will have bonded to this baby, it will be your baby, the baby will see you as her mother and no one else.  Of course once you adopted her it would be up to you to put her up for adoption again and you certainly wouldn’t have too. Then you could possible ruin your friendship since you’ve told the gal I assume this may be only a temp adoption and when she gets back on her feet the birthermother can adopt her back.  How would you explain to your current child, “Well honey I know ‘Tammy’ has been your sister for the last 3 ½ years, but she’s not going to be living with us anymore.  In fact she will no longer even legally be your sister. Of course you’ll still see her from time to time, and you’ll still be sisters in heart but it just wouldn’t be the same………”

As far as your boyfriend I think this is a decision that you need to decide together. Assuming you all live together, you should make this decision as if you were married.

Answer 15

"She wants to keep the baby but her living situation doesn't allow for it."

I agree with your BF. Sorry. If her current living situation doesn't allow for a child she should have been more careful. She needs to take care of her responsibilities just like thousands of other women have done.

I think this situation would be very hard on you. What happens when she gets to a point that she can take care of the child? Your going to be so attached to that child, it's going to be like loosing your own child.

Just my opinion though.

Answer 16

could you just become her legal guardian rather than adopt that way the child would be in your care like a foster child and your friend could have her parental rights reinstated when circumstances allow for it. if your boyfriend is totally against the idea are you willing to upset your daughters life to the extent that she may lose her "daddy"  and loving grandparents, while also getting attached to a "sister" that may well end up being taken away from her! i would try to look at this more from the point of view of the children that will be involved rather that the adults at the end of the day we face the consequences of our actions but so unfortunately do the children. rethink this decision and look into other avenues where your friend may get to stay involved in her daughters life without your involvement. assuming of course that your friend wants that and that it would ultimately be the best thing for her daughter.

Answer 17

Rather than going through all the hoops of an adoption, why not just agree to foster her?  It's much cleaner and simpler from a legal perspective, and you can always make the decision to adopt her later if her biological mother's situation does not improve.  You don't need to go through the motions of even filing it with the state.  All you need to do is just take her in until her mother gets back on her feet.

Answer 18

depending on what the adoption rules are in your state, things can get a little time consuming or difficult.  why is your friend looking to get rid of her child?  in my state, for adoption, the baby is to go to someone in the family first, if no one wants the baby, it goes up for adoption and gets placed.  When the baby goes up for the adoption, both parents have to sign off on giving up all of their rights to the child.  You didn't mention the father of the baby, what is his part in all of this.  I have a set of friends, who the wife has a sister and a brother.  7 years ago, the sister gave birth to a boy and couldn't take care of him, my friends since they are family, took the baby and have cared for him since, they can not officially adopt him due to the father not signing off on it....  within the past year the wife's brother got a girl pregnant and she couldn't handle the baby and the brother didn't want the baby either.  my friends are now caring for the baby and her brother will not sign off on making them the adoptive parents.  As of right now, they are being considered as foster parents because nothing is legal with these two kids....  I think it's great that you want to help your friend out, but it may not be as easy as you think it can be.

Answer 19

Are you planning on marrying your boyfriend? since your daughter calls him daddy I would say (and hope) its pretty serious between you two and I guess you have a relationship like a married couple?? If so, then this is a decision you both need to agree on.  You don't want this to tear you 2 apart since your daughter calls him daddy it would hurt her alot.

Maybe you could just help her long enough for her to get a place to live and keep the baby herself. maybe a couple of months. If she wants the baby then I wouldnt get my heart set on keeping her b/c it sounds like she just needs some help and will want the baby back.  Can they both just live with you till she can get on her feet?

Answer 20

I THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. YOUR FRIEND IS LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU. NOT EVERY CHILD IS LUCKY TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. YOUR GUY SHOULD SUPPORT YOU, IF NOT AT LEAST UNDERSTAND YOUR DECISION WHY YOU WANT TO DO THIS.  THE ONLY THING TO REMEMBER IS THAT IF YOUR FRIEND WANTS THE CHILD BACK YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME LETTING GO OF THE CHILD? SO AT LEAST THINK ABOUT THOROUGHLY, FOLLOW YOUR HEART; IT WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

GOOD LUCK YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE.

Answer 21

I have never seen it work that way. Once parental rights are terminated on the birth mom, she will probably not be able to adopt her baby back. At least, that is how it is here in Iowa.

Why not just have her give you custody of the child temporarily, until she gets on her feet? That will save you a lot of money and paperwork.

You could also set up a guardianship, which creates a legal relationship, allowing you to get the baby medical care and enroll her in school, etc. but is much easier to undo.

If you decide to adopt this baby or set up guardianship, you should contact an attorney.

Answer 22

I think you are gonna get attached and when mom wants her back your daughters heart will be broke... You have to think about that... You may be harming your own family by helping someone out... I am not saying she will beat you up but when she wants her back that process is long and drawn out... It could rip your family apart and friendship... I wish you luck in whatever you choice.

Answer 23

you seem like a loving, wonderful young woman....

another person commented, saying adoption is permanent.  IT IS!!!  when you adopt a child, you become their parent.  that's not a temporary fix for a problem.  it's a lifetime commitment.

consider fostering that baby girl until things get better for her biological family.  that way, she will have the best of both worlds without flip-flopping from one "legal" mom to another.

your daughter calls your boyfriend "daddy".  that's a good thing, assuming her biological father is uninvolved.  having a good father-figure is definitely a positive.  

if he is going to be a permanent fixture in your life, he will be a permanent fixture in your daughter's.  you're talking about increasing your family.  if he is, indeed, permanent, this involves him as much as you and he should have every bit as much say-so as you do.