I want to be able to provide answers to my adopted child about her birth family. How?

Question

Other than keeping all of her adoption paperwork in a safe place, what else can I do to be able to answer my adopted child's questions when she's old enough to begin asking? This is assuming that she has no contact with her birth family throughout her life, after adoption.

Answer 1

I have pictures of both birth parents to show my child and I sent pictures through the case worker of the child to the birth parents. I have met and talk with both birth parents and that is what I plan to share with my child

Answer 2

with my two that I am adopting I started a hard covered journal for each. I wrote all the info I have on bio parents and relatives. Just facts. Then I write a little every few weeks or months on what we've all done and if there were any visits  or communication from bio parents.  and of course how much I love them and am so glad they are apart of our family.

Answer 3

To help fill in the gaps of what your child does not know you can help her make the idea of birthparents more concrete.  She can draw a picture of what she thinks her birthparents look like if she doesn't have a picture.  When she is old enough, she can write a letter to her birthmother, even if you can't send it.  You can say things to her, for instance on her birthday. "I always think of your birthmother on your birthday, and I imagine that she is thinking about you.  Let's say a special prayer for her tonight."  or something like that.  These kinds of things help make birthfamily real even if you have very little information.  Of course, share any information that you do have in an age appropriate  way.  My 20 month old daughter knows her birthparents and foster parents, who she can't actually remember, from pictures and likes looking at them and hearing about them.

Answer 4

You did not say at what age the child would be when you

decided to let her know that she is adopted...

I believe in children being put in homes, for health and

welfare purposes, but remember, the child is not of your

bloodline, and cannot live up to your expectations altogether

because they have genes from their biological parents,

that prevent them from living up to expectations, fully...

and because of this reason, the word adoption should not

be considered an evil subject.

You might have a piece of paper, giving you permission

to raise the child, but the child can never be truly ''owned''

but the adoption paper does allow you the Right to make

the necessary decisions about the child...

How old is old enough...

When my daughter was born, and the divorce was issued

between me and her father, I really didn't want her to have

anything to do with him, because he was an alcoholic,

but then I changed my mind, because it was "her life

that was most important, not mine'', and it is up to her,

as to whether she accepted him like he is or reject him.

He is since deceased, but I never regretted "allowing

her to have the Right to make that decision" on how she

wanted to accepted him...

If I were to adopt a child, I would frame the Adoption Papers

and hang it on the wall, along with the family photos, and

have a sign, "Special Child"...or some other meaningful

words, by it, and throughout that child's life, the word

adoption would not be a hidden factor, like it is some deep

dark secret...a "family skeleton" to surface later, and cause

ill feelings...

What is the main focus in an adoption? The Child or Your

Feelings of having a Desire to be a Parent?  Sometime in

the future, a fine line appears between the child and the

adopted parent...but if it's not given a chance to be there,

then there is less worry.

I've voiced my opinion, but you are the adopted parent,

you have the Right to do as you please...but I hope I've

given you something to think about...TF

Answer 5

Well you can only tell her what you know. This would be what you have in the files or anything that you were told about her birth family.  Perhaps you can contact the angenicy you adopted her through, maybe the birthparents told them they could give you some more information if you ever asked for it.

By the way a Foster child and Adopted child are two different things.  Grant it sometimes foster parents end up adopting their foster children.

Answer 6

Write in a book or album all that you know about the birth family -- this could be information that you get from any previous foster families, the birth family, the orphanage/foster system or any other credible source.

If I were you, I'd keep information about any foster families the child was placed with, too.  Anyone who was a primary caregiver to your child.  These connections are important & all work together to make your child who they are.

Definitely keep all documents in a safe place so that they'll be available when you need them.

Some information, you might need to filter and make age appropriate.  Some information might be "too much" for a young child...don't ever lie to your child about their birth family, foster families or their history.  You don't have to tell the whole truth if (again) it's "too much" for a too young child.

You'll probably want to make a lifebook for your child, too.  Go to http://www.tapestrybooks.com and look up books on how to create a lifebook.

Answer 7

i think it is so great that you adopted. i am looking into it with my family, too.  you need to sit her down when she finaly starts to ealize you arent  her parents and calmly explain it to her. start off by saying something like:

"i know i am not your mother, and this must ve difficult not to see your real mother.  i am your foster parent. that means that..." and finish gently explaining it to her. if she begins to cry or ask a lot of questions, let her look up adoption on the internet and she can find out fo rherself. sometimes, children feel more comfprtable doing it that way. maybe you can get ahold of where you adopted her and see if she has siblings or parents numbers (if they want to be somewhat contacted). talking to her siblings may help too. then she knows that she has another family, just not with her.

hope this helped! ♥

Answer 8

My niece, who was adopted, is now in her 20's and has never had any interest in finding her birth family.  She was always brought up to feel "special".  She has always been told that everyone loved her so much she was hand picked by her "adoptive" family.  She has no bitter feelings toward her birth mother/father, but is content with what she has I guess.

Answer 9

I you get to meet then in person, take a picture of them.  If you can do it while the mother is pregnent maybe do that.

Answer 10

You can only answer questions you know the answer to. Is it possible to open the adoption (assuming it's closed now) so you can have some form of communication with the birth family?

To the poster previous to me. Adoptive parents are real parents, it's just that children who were adopted also have a family of origin that they will have questions about. I am my son's Mommy, he also has his First Mom whom we refer to by name and visits sometimes.

Answer 11

I am an adoptive mother myself, my son is 3 years old, so the questions on his birth family have not started yet, but I am sure they will.  

We plan to tell him he is adopted and we have even started now by showing him pictures of his birth mother and of when we finalized his adoption.  Jamie Lee Curtis wrote a great children's book "Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born."   It introduces adoption topics, birth parents, etc. very simply for little children and I think it is a wonderful introduction to the topics and answers some basic questions.

I have also kept everything we know about his birth mother (we know nothing of his birth father), and I am prepared to answer any questions I know the answer to.  

There are some other great resources you can use to help you answer questions and introduce topics.  Tapestry books carries a lot of adoption books and amazon.com had a great collection of essays on many adoption topics, I think it is called an "The Adoption Toolbox" or something like that.

The other thing I have done is tried to educate my family and the people close to my son on adoption language.  I am my son's REAL mother, the woman who gave birth to him is his BIRTH mother.  It is very confusing for children to hear someone ask their mom about their "real" mom.  So when someone does use that, I always respond with "His BIRTH Mother...", so that they can start to use consistent terms and language with my son.

We think adoption is a wonderful thing so we are very open in answering questions and will continue to do that as our son gets older and his questions get tougher.  

I hope this helps you prepare.  Congratulations on your little miracle.

Answer 12

Gather as much information as possible now, because as time passes, there may be no opportunity.  If you have the ability to correspond or meet your child's birthmother, do so.  Take plenty of photos together.    

Keep any written information and photos in a safe place as you suggested, but also have a photo that is for your child now.  They won't understand exactly who she is or what significance she has, but that's the point.  As your child grows, it will become a natural thing, not something sprung on her.  This is the kind of thing that hurts children, to be sat down at a certain age and told all their adoption information at once.  It should be something shared from the beginning, as they ask.  My son started asking when he was four!  And I answered just the question he asked, and no more.  Don't t ake it as an opportunity to tell their "adoption story" to them.  That overwhelms children.  Just answer the question asked!  By the time they understand what adoption really is, they will associate love, smiles and warm feelings about adoption.  That is what really matters.

Hope that helps!

Answer 13

Be honest , don't let the fear of loosing the child "color" your honesty.