I want to get some poetry published. I am after some feedback on my writings?

Question

I waited for hours,

to speak to you.

I still stand here waiting,

I will see this through.

The cold will not break me,

Or make me go blind.

All that I’m here for,

To torture your mind.

The wall of intolerance,

Changes with the wind.

I gave away everything,

Still burdened with sin.

The dark is my friend,

And failure is my night.

The long lost enchantment,

Is no where in sight.

I’m lost and I’m calling,

To no one around.

Alone in my silence,

My voice makes no sound.

A hand on my shoulder,

Breaks tension within.

All that I’m after,

Is now to begin.

Shane Finney - 2008

Answer 1

I am of the school that the more abstract the metaphor (within reason) the better. So my first suggestion to you would be to think outside the box, be original with your metaphors and unique with your imagery.

My second would be to watch your punctuation, just because a line ends does not mean it needs a comma. Eg, the first two lines, I do not think you need a comma after the first line. If you were reading that in a sentence putting a comma there makes no sense and disrupts the flow of the piece. Remember that when reading we naturally pause at the end of a line, so unless you want to emphasise that silence there is no need for anything else.

My next point it a matter of opinion and sure to be disagreed on by someone. I do not thing you need a capital at the beginning of each line, only when the punctuation demands it. But like I said, that is very much a matter of opinion.

Lastly, I'd say be careful with your rhyme, do not sacrifice the rhythm of your piece for the sake of a couplet. If you can't make it flow nicely, try and different approach, but choppy flow (when it is not deliberate) is one thing that nearly all readers will shy away from.

I hope that helps you some :)