I want to give my baby up for adoption but the father won't let me....?

Question

I think it should be my choice personally and I wish there was some way around it. He promised that if I didn't abort he wouldleave us alone and let me do whatever. The main reason I wanted to abort was because I didn't want to be tied to someone I hate for the rest of my life and I also have a very strong opinion about his ability to be a good parent and I don't want him messing up my only child (he already has a 10 year old). Now that I've mentioned that I wanted to look into adoption he is threatening to take the child once it's born, he lives in another state but a lawyer said he would definently get partial custody which scares teh c**p out of me. Am I the only one who thinks that women should haev mroe rights? Anyone else had a similar problem (father won't sign away rights)?

Answer 1

Sweetie, the choice isn't solely yours as to what will happen to this child. YOu can rant and rave all day long about how many hours the father works and does this or doesn't do that. The point is, he wants this child...his child and you don't.  Ok, so if you give your rights, his rights are determined by you.  Children are a blessing and unless a child is cloned, it has a mother and father that are responsible for them.  If you give up your rights, so be it... but he still deserves a shot at being a dad.  The courts will decide if they feel he can't parent but typically, they will give him the opportunity.  You sound very young.  This isn't just your baby.  It took two to tango and now it will take the agreement of both in order for adoption to occur... it's not just about YOU!

Answer 2

You've got more power over this than he does- he was your boss. I'd totally go there if he is being a jerk.

Answer 3

Give the baby to the father since he wants to keep it. Gosh whats your problem if he wants his baby but you don't. Why would you rather give the baby to some stranger than its dad.

Answer 4

My theory is that you're a little patying ho who doesn't want the responsibility of a child to slow you down.  You know full well that if he gets custody, YOU will have to pay child support, which again will slow down your partying days.  TOUGH SH**T.  He has as much right to the baby as you and you have no more rights than he does.  You should not get special treatment just because you have to carry and give birth.  

Let him have the child and then you can find another boss to sleep with to advance whatever career you pursue, because that is all you basically did with this guy.  Maybe next time you won't be so quick to open your legs.

I personally think that you are just pist off that he fired you and are simply trying to s***w him over the only way you know how.  Women like you give us natural moms a bad name.  This child is not yours alone.  He has rights.  I hope he gets custody and nails you to the ground with child support because you will be paying it....don't think you're going to get any sympathy with the "Oh poor me" spiel....



Quit being a ho.

Answer 5

Glad to see so many women stick up for fathers rights.

You do have a situation here and the only reason I say that is because you made the comment that he will leave you alone if you keep the baby, otherwise he will take it from you. It sounds to me like he is bluffing. If he wants the baby, which I totally support, he would be inquiring about being part of their life regardless of whether you intend to keep or relinquish. It doesn't make any sense to me that if you keep the baby, he will leave you alone and never be involved in the childs life. But if you intend to relinquish he will fight for his rights. Something doesn't add up here. I have to say if you do not want to be tied to a person for the rest of your life avoid such intimate relationships with them. Keep it at something you can walk away from because this one you can't.

As far as you thinking women deserve more say because they have to carry for 9 months, good luck with finding sympathy on that one. It has always been he woman's part to carry and you knew that before you got pregnant. You did know that right?

Answer 6

If he's willing to acknowledge paternity and take responsibility for the child, then let him have full custody if it's plain you don't want to be a parent.  What's the problem?

Answer 7

I'm sorry you've come upon ths website and received no support at all. I would advise you to contact an adoption agency or an adoption attorney to find out exactly what your rights are. Some states require that the father be notified that you are pregnant, some states don't require that you tell him at all. You seem like a very smart and intelligent woman. I'm sure you know what is best for your unborn baby. Don't take the advice of people who have no idea who you or the father are. They have no idea what kind of person he is, only you do. Once again, your best bet is to contact an adoption attorney or an adoption agency to find out exactly what your options are.

My personal opinion is that legally it is always better for him to willingly terminate his rights, but your decision should be based upon what the law legally requires in your state. He obviously already knows your pregnant. Most likely, he can make a court case against you for custody since he already knows your pregnant. If you give the baby up for adoption, he can probably sue the adoptive couple for custody. Seriously, the nly person who can help you is an attorney who specializes in family court.

Also, you can also contact your local crisis pregnancy center and they can help you through your pregnancy and can give you your options as far as parenting is concerned.

Answer 8

I understand your situation.  There are a few things you might consider.  First file a lawsuit against the b*****d for firing you.  That may get him to leave you alone. You can always tell him that if signs away his rights, you will stop the lawsuit.   You can also lose his phone #.  That way when you do go to put your child up for adoption you can tell the agency that you have no way of contacting him.  That way they will do their part to try to find him.  They usually put a notice in the newspaper in the area that he lives in.  If he doesn't answer the ad in so many days, he is considered to be notified.

Answer 9

I think I understand what you're getting at.....it sounds like he's threatening to take the baby as another way to hurt you or retaliate...

Any court of law, when considering a case such as this, will hopefully look at what's in the BEST interest of the child. However, I can't imagine any court of law terminating his rights simply based on your projection that he would be a "bad" parent.

It's apparent, at this stage of the situation, that there is not going to be a simple answer. If the father desires custody of the child (and of course, blood tests would be done to confirm that he is the father), no matter what his reasons or his fitness, if he chooses to pursue custody, I would think that the courts will at least consider it. I'm not sure what you will need to do to keep him from acquiring custody of this child by default, but it seems to be the "default" decision to grant the father custody if the mother is not interested in custody. And in that case, you would be taking on the role of the non-custodial parent with all the nightmares that go along with that, including having visitation and paying child support to him.

Your situation is indeed going to be difficult unless he is just talking nonsense because he wants to hurt you (revenge for refusing his advances) and he wasn't actually serious about wanting to take on the responsibility of raising the child.

The mother having more rights than the father....that's a moot point these days because they don't - period. Right or wrong, back in the day, the courts routinely gave custodial preference to the mother, but not any more.  The fact is that the father DOES  have the right to seek custody, even if the mother wants it, and the courts will hear his case.

If it were me, I would let the issue rest for a bit, and then reapproach the father and try to reason with him, keeping all other issues but what is in the best interest of the child out of that conversation, (i.e., your opinions about him as a person or his ability to raise a child properly etc).

Answer 10

I think this man deserves some kudos here. There are so many Dad's that are quite happy to walk away, never pay a dime nothing, and here he is offering to take the baby you clearly don't want & haven't wanted since the beginning.

Time to get over your hatred of this man, because you voluntarily slept with him & now your tied to him for the rest of your life.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Answer 11

Hi and (((HUGS))) -

Thank-you for considering the loving choice of adoption!

It shows what a compassionate, wonderful and awesome person you are!!! Adoption is a very loving choice.

Please ignore all of the rude and harsh comments. :( I'm sorry people are so mean.

Here is a pregnancy hotline you can call:  1-800-592-4725.  They "want to hold your hand, hug your neck, and let you know you are not alone."  They will be very compassionate and non-judgmental.  They are a non-profit agency. I don't work for them or anything.  

You might also just call an adoption atty and ask.

THANK-YOU again for considering such a loving choice!!!!!!!

Answer 12

First if you hate the father and don't think he would be a good parent why did you have s*x with him and unprotected at that? second this is not only your decision both you and him made this child it is as much a part of him as it is a part of you and third if you don't want the child and he does he can adopt the baby and the court's will agree with this.

Answer 13

When you have the baby, list father as unknown, if you aren't married to the father, he will have to prove he is the dad, if he finds out before baby is adopted.  Try to find a couple on your own instead of through a lawyer, like go to some churches and inquire.  (I gave up my third child because the dad was dangerous and suicidle.)  The adoptive parents stayed in contact with my mom until her dead, they came to her funeral and we, my hubby and our kids, have stayed in contact with them since.  (Her dad wanted to raise her with or without me)  Good luck!

Answer 14

Oh darlin... this baby is his too.  He has just as much legal right to it as you.  If you give up your rights, and he keeps the baby - if it ends up being removed from him you'll be out of the picture so to speak.  You will have no rights - only the state.  Hopefully - if he really wants this baby - maybe he'll be a good daddy.  <sigh>

What a nasty situation as it truly sounds like you don't want this baby at all and all babies deserve to be cherished, wanted and loved.  

Good luck - make sure he's told that if you keep the baby he'll be paying child support!

Answer 15

Okay you might not want the child but apparently the father does so let him have it that doesn't mean you have to be in the child's life or anything!

He is the Father he has every right to have his child!

Edit: Sounds like you should of never spread your legs for him!

If he can't Care for the child the state will take it from him it is still not up to you if he should have the child or not!

Think before you have s*x with anyone else or you might find yourself in the same situation that you are in right now!

Edit: Sorry but it sounds like that you are calling it your child and you are the one that wants to give it up for adoption and in that case it is not your child! POOR POOR you! You are just so neglected! No the child is because it's own Mother doesn't want it due to her own pitiful mistakes!

I have NO sympathy what so ever for you!

Answer 16

Why r u going to give up your baby?You can adopt AND have a kid that YOU had too.Its not your husbands or boyfriends choice.

Answer 17

It takes two to make a baby. You made your choice when you had s*x with him. You should not have more rights than him, that child is just as much his as it is yours.

Answer 18

the child deserves to have at least one parent if he wants it.

Answer 19

i had the same situation when I was 16, the father wanted to keep the baby. I had the same thought process. I wanted my baby to have a stable home. it wasnt until the baby was born and he got to see her did he agree that adoption was the best. but we were very young. i dont know how old you are but if you old enough to have a job and you graduated from school, you probaly could find a way to make it work. as a birthmother of 12 yrs, i am saying honestly this will be the hardest thing you will ever do if you are able to go through with it!!! I still cry, i still get sad and miss my baby. I have two other wonderful children and i still long for my first baby. logically i know you think this is something that just needs to be done, but it is not possible to count the cost!!! if he will not agree then you need to change your plan. you will have to forgive the father and look past your differences for your baby and come to a feasible solution. im sure your state has programs to assist you too, like medicaid, child care assistance, welfare. dont give away your child to spite the father.

Answer 20

Well, if he coerced you into having a sexual relationship with him the first thing you should do is file charges against him.  That type of behavior is certainly not one that is conducive to being a good parent, and would certainly be a factor in the outcome of this situation.

To answer your question, I do not believe that the mother should have more rights to a child than the father.  Yes, she is the one that physically carries and births the child but that child is just as much "his" as s/he is yours (not that the child is a possession).

There are a variety of ways in which this scenario can play out.  You need to consult a counselor and an attorney to find out what is best for you, and your child.

I wish you the best!

Answer 21

I am so sorry you can try to proof he is unfit and then the courts will terminated his rights automatically. He fired you because you wouldn’t have s*x with him anymore that has to be against the law. Unfortunately if the courts don’t terminated his rights, you don’t have a lot of options you can either give the baby to him and hope it works out for the best. Or you can keep the baby and minimize this mans influence over your child. Eventually find a respectable man whom your child can look up to.  

From what you say this man can barely afford his 10 year old child? Or to even provide for himself. If he is working 7 days a week, the baby will be with a nanny or sitter  the majority of the time.

You say he has emotional issues and others can attest to these emotional issues he has. I would ask these people to testify for you.

Answer 22

You speak from such a selfish heart. You have a miracle growing inside you, God has blessed you, and your too blind to see it. You sound much worse of a person than him. Let motherhood change you for the better. Look into that baby's eyes and then get on here and tell us you feel nothing.

You have no right to sell his baby to a stranger when he wants it. At least he wants it and holds no grudge against it, that's more than we can say for you. Even women that have been raped have kept their baby's, and were so glad for it.

You need to grow up, and wake up soon. Your biggest problem is yourself.

Answer 23

So you're wanting to give your baby up for adoption because you hate your ex? How is that the baby's fault? He doesn't have to sign his right's away and you cannot give the baby up for adoption without his consent.

Why not keep your baby? "I don't want him messing up my only child." So make sure he CAN'T do that. Raise your baby yourself, you can do it. You need to get past the fact that you made this child with your ex.

Answer 24

Ok, so I'm the first one here to have a different opinion with this. If you feel that this man isn't fit to be your child's father then you have a right to this opinion and you have a right to fight for what you feel is best for your child. Have you talked to an adoption agency? What country are you in? The adoption agency will be able to help you to go through the legal process to terminate his rights if possible. If you could show that he would be unfit to parent you might be able to achieve this. Good for you for sticking to what you believe in! I would definitley call around to different agencies and pick one that you feel comfortable with. They will handle the legal fees, your medical fees etc. Good luck to you and I hope that everything gets worked out so that you can have some peace on this.

Answer 25

give him to the daddy, unless ur just trying to make money?!?! if so you dont deserve that so just hand him to his daddy and leave

Answer 26

If the baby's father would make a good parent, why not?

If there is some reason to believe that he would be an abusive or neglegant parent, I expect you would have to take it to a court and prove this.

But I think that until women are able to reproduce via immaculate conception, with the obvious exceptions of rape/incest, the fathers do and should have a legal say in their children's lives.

Answer 27

You really need to do what is right for you AND your baby. I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you are a very young! I think that it is in your and the baby's interest if you put it up for adoption. You can have an open adoption. In case you don't know what that is, its when you know who adopted your baby and you can see it whenever it is OK. Just because you have the baby doesn't mean he has to be involved with you. I hope I gave you some ideas. Best wishes to you and your baby.

P.S- DON'T GIVE THE BABY TO HIM! IF HE CAN'T SUPPORT HIMSELF THEN HE SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE A CHILD LET ALONE A BABY! PLEASE IT ISN'T IN THE BABY OR YOUR BETTER INTEREST TO GIVE THE BABY TO HIM!!!!

Answer 28

No I don't think women should have MORE rights, that child is equally his and if he wants the child and you do not, give it to him. Whats to say that he isn't going to mess the child up more than adoptive parents.

You never got pregnant on your own and you shouldn't be aloud to get rid of a child on your own. You decide not to abort,so now you have the choice of either raising on your own or giving full custody to him unless he wants to give his child up for adoption.

Answer 29

First, you're forgetting that baby is his as well so he has as much right as you to make decisions regarding that child's life.

Second, you say you want the baby to have a family -- does your (ex) boyfriend have family?  if so, that would be family to the baby.

Third, the lawyer is right EXCEPT he should get sole custody if you don't want to deal with him and don't want the baby.  You will be  paying him child support.

you can not FORCE him to sign away his rights and i can not even begin to understand your position.  he wants the child, you don't so place the baby with him...

a child has a right to both parents and it would be detrimental to the child for you to do what you are considering.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for adoption in the right circumstances HOWEVER there is a family member, the child's OWN FATHER who WANTS the baby so he SHOULD have the baby.  

I hope that this father has been counselled about putative father's registries and knows his rights.  you should not use that baby as a pawn just bcause you don't want to be tied to a man that you voluntarily slept with.

Answer 30

If you want to adopt it, let him have it.  You don't know he's not going to mess him up any more so than anyone you might adobt him to might.  You don't want the baby anyway - let him be with his father.

Answer 31

the child can not legally be placed without the father terminating his rights.  everything else, is irrelevant.