I want to give up my twins for adoption but my family is upset about it. Am I being selfish???

Question

I am 24 years old with 4 month old twins and i have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I'm working part time and its like there is no time for my 1st two and no time for me. Its so bad that my house is a mess I can't afford things, I barely can pay for a baby sitter while i go to work. I'm working to pay the baby sitter my other kids need new clothes. The baby daddy is here with me but its like i'm doing it alone. He helps as much as he can but he says that he didn't want anymore kids cuz he has 6 already and the youngest is 12. He's 40 years old and doesn't really help. So i asked him about adoption and he says no he doesn't want his kids out there, but i am physically and emotionally exhausted and is not ready to handle all this.

Answer 1

Hope you don't take this the wrong way but

How can you afford the internet if your doing so badly that you can't buy your kids clothes?

Can you get state assistance? The state I live in will help pay for daycare, gas, food stamps, utility bills, tires and car repairs.

Why would you stay with someone who is 40yrs old but acts as irresponsible as a teenager?

Can your family not help you with your children?

If you really feel like you have no other choice but to give them up maybe talk to family and friends about someone in the family or friends of the family adopting them. Also see about what is called an open adoption which means you can still keep in contact, sometimes visit, and keep updated on the children but I think only some states recognize the open adoption. I personally could not give up one of mine. I'm to hard headed and stubborn to let this crappy world take whats mine without a fight..lol! But I have all the respect in the world for someone who knows they can't do it and just want whats best for there babies.....Good luck to you and your babies

Answer 2

Would you be giving these children up for yourself, or for them???  I think it takes an incredibly strong woman to realize that her children would have a better life with someone else.  If you are doing this out of LOVE for your children, then it is absolutely the right thing for you and for them.  That is not selfish at all.  It is selfish to keep them with you, knowing you cannot provide for them like they deserve.  Have you considered putting them in a foster family, temporarily?  There are good people out there willing to help you in your time of need.  They would love your kids and care from them, even if it's just temporary.  It would give you a "break" and give you time to think this through.

I pray for you and your children.  Please do not listen to anyone offering you negative advice or putting you down.  You are courageous and strong!

Answer 3

My husband & his first wife had twins.  He's often said their first year is very foggy - it was so exhausting.  And they only had the twins (no other kids to care for)!  His sister (who also has twins) said the first 6 months with twins were harder than a single child (her son, 2 years later), but after that, the kids play with each other & keep each other occupied, requiring less attention than one child.  Your only 2 months from that.

Please DO check with your doctor!!!  As one person wrote, you could be experiencing postpartum depression.  You DO NOT want to make any life altering decisions while suffering from a medical condition exacerbated by exhaustion.  

DO contact a support group for moms of multiples. You may find some needed support, understanding & compassion for the unique situation of having two babies at one time - PLUS.  

ASK your family and friends for help. And KEEP asking! And LET THEM help you.  This is not a time to try to be super mom.  

Consider quiting your part time job. It sounds like your only working to pay the baby sitter. You have a FULL TIME job taking care of your kids!  (Unless of course, this is your only time off, in which case you need to find another way to catch a break).  

Call your local mental health agency. You may be able to get the emotional support & counseling you need, including medication for depression if necessary.  Often the county mental health agency provides services for free or at a reduced rate.  

Most of all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, too.  You can't care for your children if you don't take care of yourself. You're the most important person in their lives.  You're WORTH taking care of.  

{{{HUGS***}}} my friend....

Keeping you and your family in my prayers

FYI, I work at a Crisis Center (private company contracted to the County Mental Health agency)

Answer 4

What the h**l is wrong with the dad ? Dump him and sue his *** for child support!  Lazy irresponsible b*****d ! All those kids and he doesnt even help? If he didnt want kids he should have kept it in his pants! You can get welfare checks too..

Answer 5

if you werent ready honey u shouldnt of gotten in to this in the first place honestly... be a woman  dump the loser work hard and take internet courses get a better job... or become a dancer then start your own business ...point is no one should be taking care of your responsibility but u ...ur being selfish

Answer 6

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this!  This sounds more like a relationship problem than too many kids.  I understand your feeling overwhelmed.  I would, too!  But that man of yours needs to step up or get out of your way.  I have a friend who told her lazy husband, "I'd rather do this alone, than have someone hanging around not helping me.  So, step up or get out."  I'd say the same thing to my husband if we ended up in the same situation.  It's too bad he didn't want more kids...they're here now, so he needs to adapt to his new circumstances and HELP YOU!

If you give up your children for adoption, you'll just be putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.  Your children aren't the problem, and they needn't pay for your bf's laziness.  What would you say to your children when they come to find you one day?

I wish you luck. I know this must be such a tough time for you.  I promise things will get better.  Take care of yourself, and get that man of yours off his duff.  Your babies need YOU, not a substitute.

Answer 7

I'm a hard-working mother of twins plus older children too and I know where you're coming from but, believe me, you are going through the most difficult part - the first year of the twins life are exhausting.   But you will come through the other side.

Please don't give your babies away.   You need help with the kids, don't be afraid to ask for a helping hand with the kids.  You can get through this.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your family.

Answer 8

I am sorry honey you can not place them for adoption if the father is not ok with this. Do you have any family who could be given temporary custody of the babies till you are on your feet again?  I don’t think your being selfish you realize you can not handle 4 children under the age of 5 and two infants. You gave it a whirl and that says something.

You may need to look into state aid, food stamps, welfare. You might also need to find a full time job or another part time job. Maybe you can find something you can do from  your home like stuffing envelopes. See if your city has a wheels on meals program. Go to 2nd hand shops for your clothing or walmart they roll back the prices.

Your babys daddy not wanting more kids is irrelevant if he didn’t want more kids he should have gotten fixed plain and simple.  

Again Adoption is not an option if both biological parents are not for it.

Answer 9

You sound overworked and overstressed.

If your family is so upset why don't they step up to the plate and help you.

Is the father of the twins the father of the other 2? I ask cause if he isn't can the other father(s) help out more?

Next all I can think is will you be OK living with only part of your children? Can you handle all the questions that the 2 you raise will have one day about where their siblings went? When the twins are older can you handle their questions of why they were placed while you raised the others?

I really don't know what else to say except I fear you would soon regret it if you loose half of your family.

Answer 10

I don't mean to be rude but you should have really thought about that long before your children were 4 months old. I think you are being a little selfish and so is he if he's not willing to do whatever it takes for you to support them.

My opinion is that you need to learn to make smarter choices for your entire family. If neither of you wanted more children how did you end up with twins... and for him it shouldn't matter how many he has altogether... he needs to learn to support them!

Answer 11

If your family is so upset about it,why don't they help out ? As for you being selfish,yes because you knew their was twins on the way,you should have put them up for adoption straight up.That said if you feel that 4 kids under 4 is too much,if your family wont help put them up for adoption.

Answer 12

Why didn't you think of this earlier on? I know its got to be hard, but they're already 4 months old, at this point they're developing trust. You might ruin them psychologically. You'll get through it. Can't your extended family help out more?

Answer 13

I really don't like the answers I see above mine.  I support and applaud you for being brave enough to research adoption as an option for your youngest children.  I think it would be better to place them lovingly now than to have them taken later by CPS.  I think you should dump Baby Daddy, and contact an agency or an adoption lawyer in your area.  They will help you decide if you really want to place your children for adoption or if you just need some support.

Answer 14

This is something only you can decide. If you feel like you can't handle it, and have no help, maybe you should give them up.  If your boyfriend is against it then he needs to step up, bring in some money, and some emotional help.

Answer 15

You need support and NOT to DUMP Your children.

You shouldnt be working with 4 children under 4 that b/f of yours should be supporting you to stay home and take care of them and or single parent pension.

Errr he has 6 kids at 40 ? and the youngest is 12 which means he would have been 28 when that child was born ?

Anyways aside from that if all mothers who were tired , overworked , stressed , hormonal gave up their children to adoption there would be a LOT Of happy PAPS and basically hardly any paps waiting !!!

The first year is the hardest and doubly hard with twins

Get your family to help you. And either get that b/f of yours to help or kick him out ...

But then again this is your ONLY post...hmmm..........

Answer 16

if you do it you'll end up missing them ALOT things will get better give it time

Answer 17

If you can't afford to keep the babies, give them up for adoption. Do an open adoption if you like, and make sure you find really great parents for them. You need to do what is best for you and your current kids. If 2 more would push you into poverty then you gotta do what you gotta do.

Answer 18

which state do you live in??

Answer 19

you need to contact the department of human services in your county and inquire about parenting programs to assist young parents.  what you are experiencing is STRESS, not a indication you should give up your kids.

i remembered being about 23 and having a 3 year old, college, work and bills that kept mounting.  i also felt like my life was closing in on me and "actually" believed that the people who told me to place in the beginning were right. after the stress subsided, i realized that they were WRONG!

ALL parents have periods of stress. ALL parents have periods where they questions their ability to parent.  even aparents. BUT most  don't give up their kids.

now...about your baby's dad:  how in the world is a 40 year old with 6 kids not doing more to assist with his children?  now, if he was 24 or even 25, i'd give him a pass...and say, that he needs some parenting support too.  but at 40, his as$ is simply a loser.

i'd seriously recommend a counseling for you and a vasectomy for him.

good luck, hon.

Answer 20

not at all.

if you cannot handle them emotionally you are doing the right decision and giving them a chance at a better life :]

i would say wait though-

do you really want to say goodbye to your babies, your babies that were in your tummy for 9months because your busy right now?

do whatever you think is right :]

Answer 21

It sounds like you are probably suffering from post-partum depression, which can happen way after the babies were born, and without happening in your first pregnancies.  My prayers are with you through whatever happens.  I am an adoptive mother and have especially been wanting twins.  I have an almost 8 month old son already that I adopted.  I know this is hard, and don't rush into anything, and make sure everything you do is legal (attorneys can help during adoption).  Be careful of going to adoption agencies and attorneys though, because they can really make your life hard if you decide to keep the babies, and READ EVERYTHING you sign.  It will have your rights written there in black and white, and good luck.  It takes a brave person to give their child a better life than you can.

Answer 22

You opened your legs so now the kids have to suffer......... take care of your dame kids ...your not a victim....

Answer 23

Boy I just don't know what to say. You have already bonded with these gifts from god and they have bonded with you so to give them up you will always wonder how and where they are. Things will work out  I would ask for help from your and his family and if you explain just like you did to us I bet they will step up to help I know I would.

Answer 24

wow how in the world could you bear tto give up your own little blessings? terrible. people have to work hard to make life work, but they get through it.  isnt he working? have you tried public aid? there is always a way. if you absolutely think you could handle it, and think there is no way at all you can afford them, then do what you must do.      blessings

but imagine never seeing your own children again! could you realy handle that?

Answer 25

Just think it over really carefully before you do anything.   You don't want to make any decisions you are going to regret down the road when you have things together.   If you do decide that adoption is right, there are ways to keep in contact with the babies (open adoption) and so on.  Do what is right for you AND the babies.  

Julie

An adoptive parent

Answer 26

It sounds like you are tired, and exhausted. It doesn't sound like you need to give them away, it sounds like you need a support system to help you with them. Girl, you've got your hands full and anyone in your situation would be exhausted. Do you have a support system that you can rely on? Your twins shouldn't have to lose their whole family because you could use a little more help. Their father needs to start helping out. They shouldn't suffer because he "didn't want anymore kids" and they shouldn't be kicked out and pay for his lack of help either. They'll lose their WHOLE family. There has got to be a way to make this work.

Notice the AP trying to gently slip in there that she wants twins. Why not send the mother some HELP instead of trying to suggest that you'll help yourself to her children. Its not like she doesn't want them, shes deseperate clearly. Ugh!