I want to know if my poem sucks..READ IT!?

Question

I've just written a poem and this is my very first time. I want you guys to read it and tell me I suck if necessary:D

He's the flood through the h**l of my body

The fire burning down the heaven of my soul

He's the weakest point of my god of mind

The greatest pleasure of my primitive ghoul

Lord! What didn't kill me has only made me deader;

May the scream I hold in my lungs be my gift to you forever!

Answer 1

That's surprisingly really good.

:]

Answer 2

brilliant

Answer 3

Unsucks!

This is pretty good...

Answer 4

I love the last two lines and it's short but good, unlike some very long poems I've seen on here.

Answer 5

GREAT!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

Well you have sufficiently confussed the c**p outta me, it may be a masterpiece.

Answer 7

wow.. its great.. i really really like the last line

"may the scream i hold in my lungs be my gift to you forever"

Answer 8

personally liked it especially the last two lines, takes being read out loud to be appreciated.

Answer 9

Hi! I totally get what you're saying. So that's a strong point right there: communication.  There's forceful feeling here. You get your message across in a strong, effective way.

I've done quite a bit of editing on my own and others' work. So, I'd suggest that you pare this down to take out words that you don't need.  That will help it move with the speed of the wind.

Also, don't be afraid to make it aerodynamic by using lowercase. Okay, that's my particular bias, but take a look at this and see what you think:

he's

flood through the h**l of my body

he's

fire burning heaven of my soul

he's

the weakest point

of my god of mind

greatest pleasure

of my primitive ghoul

what didn't kill me

only made me deader

may my lungs' scream

be my gift to you

forever

See what you think. Tinker with it yourself, and see what reads/feels/sounds right to you!

Best of luck!