I wanted to be a Mom. Why do *some* say that is a "bad" reason to adopt?

Question

There was a child in need of a home; there was a person who wanted to be a Mom.

I don't think PAPs should have to justify that they were NOT selfish to want to be a parent. Being a parent is a life-changing self-less act no matter how you become one.

Answer 1

It is not that it is bad.  However, it is how it can be interpreted.  There is a big difference, for instance, between wanting to be a mom and wanting to nurture or raise a child.  One is about you and one is about another human.  Now, that is often just playing with semantics for many people.  To them, they are the same thing.  But for some, it is like a trophy thing.  That's where it is a bad reason.

Answer 2

absolutely I agree with every word you posted..

After all, as I said in my other answer, I've had a great life.. I'm SOO glad my mother "wanted" to be a mom! Youbecha!! I'm glad she wanted to be a mom so badly that she didn't stop with one child (my older bro).. I'm glad she wanted to be  a mom so badly that she didn't give up after the heartache of a miscarriage in her 2nd pregnancy.. I'm glad she tried one  more time till she got what she wanted to complete her family (ME!) THANKS MOM!! I love you!!

I can't describe how I felt the day I asked, out of curiosity if either me or my brother was a "surprise" (meaning she hadn't been trying to get preggo at that time, it  just "happened")  She looked at me and said "You were both wanted.. BADLY"  I felt like crying.. it's like she was telling me I was the answer to all her prayers..

I had asked out of simple curiosity.. especially because I calculated that she got preggo with my bro about 3 months after marrying dad.. Not many people "try" that soon.. But turns out mom was 30  in a time (late 70's) when women were very much warned that having children that late in life had risks.. She didn't want to wait any longer!!  

I'm just expressing MY feelings and I do NOT expect or feel like everyone else should feel the same.. I'm just giving MY story..

BTW.. I see an adopted child as "wanted" too very much.. very badly.. why else would a couple go through all that red tape.. I feel like I could feel just as wanted even if my bmom hadn't planned the pregnancy, couldn't parent, and gave me to a family that wanted me badly.. it would still be a great feeling TO ME... not that everyone should feel that way.. that's not what I'm trying to say..

Whatever my future child's biological mother's situation, whether SHE wanted the child or not.. the child WILL be a wanted child..  by me.. absolutely!!

I think Sunny's answer is disrespectful.

Answer 3

People may say this is a bad reason to adopt if it is your ONLY reason. This statement focuses only on you. How mature are you? Do you understand what being a mom requires? Sleepless nights, for a start. I am a mom  and it is my favorite part of my life, but it is a huge commitment. Maybe people around you don't feel that you understand that. If you don't, get some books, attend some classes, volunteer in the school. Educate yourself. I'm sure you can be a great mom! Best of luck!

Think of it this way...I can say I want to be a pilot, but if I don't learn how, I never will be able to do it. I can learn, though. And so can you!

Answer 4

Who said that is a bad reason to adopt? What would be a good reason? Should someone adopt because they don't want to be a parent? That would be really stupid. It is a life changing decision, and you should try to educate yourself on how to take care of a child and all that, of course. Then if you feel you have the patience, love to give and a reasonable amount of stability in your home, I don't see why you shouldn't. I think having a desire to be a parent is a very compelling reason to adopt as long as you think you are up to the task.

Answer 5

I agree wanting to be a mom is the reason to adopt. I think it is wonderful that you want to give a child a home and love and a chance at greatness. There are people out there who adopt or become foster parents to get money from the gov't. As far as justification, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. If you are adoping a child because you want to raise them and be a parent then those are all the reasons you need. I have a lot of respect for people who adopt. There are so many children out there waiting to have a family. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks you do what is best for you!

Answer 6

You said "I don't think PAPs should have to justify that they were..."

You can't please everyone. The only people I need to justify myself to are my kids. I think about what they'll feel when they are grown and how I'll be able to answer their questions.

Answer 7

I think that adoption is the best choice. There are so many needy children out there looking for a home. I believe that with lots of work and dedication that lots of good things could happpen if more would adopt.

I do not know why anyone would disagree. There are millions of kids without families....I do not see the logic in denying innocent children of a home. More of us parents need to realise that we are left to pick up the peices for all the unfortunate kids out there; but what is so bad about taking responsibilty and doing whats right. Even if it is someone's elses child and it is not our fault that they left or died or whatever right? How rude could some people be. It is not the child's fault either and we are the adults that should be putting the peices back together.

If the child has problems then all measures need to be taken in order to rehabilitate these kids that need to be adopted.

There is nothing bad about taking someone fragile into your home and making them a part of your family. I understand that **** happens and some of these adoptions do not work out buy hey thats life man. Try again.  I think more awareness needs to be promoted in order to let society see just how beneficial adoption can be for both parties.

Answer 8

Because some people can get crazy in the process of having to have children. My aparents were oblivious to the needs of me, the adoptee coming into their home because they had been obsessively focused on "getting a child."

They're not nearly the only ones, I see it all the time. When an adoption post comes out starting with "i've been trying to have a baby for X years and X number of failed IVF attempts" I know that they're looking into adoption for the wrong reasons.

Adoption needs to be about and for the child. Nothing else. It sounds, Kristy, like you're a good mother. I'm not saying that you're not because you "wanted a child" but I think when infertility and adoption meet as a solution for not having children, it allows a wider area of "adoptee focus" to be overlooked and forgotten and in my opinion thats a recipe for adoptee disaster.

You're not infertile, you just 'wanted to be a mom' so I don't think the level of desperation that "adoption to be a parent" I'm talking about applies to you.

I think that not being able to have children biologically drives some people to a level of unclear thinking.

Answer 9

No, it is is not selfish to want to be a mom. Why would it be?  To raise children, it can be the hardest job there is.- however the most rewarding, not because a parent is being fulfilled, but because we can see our children as they grow up become their own person. Let's go to the biological family, why do couples want to get pregnant?  SO THEY CAN BE A MOM AND DAD- so why in the world, would it be so bad that adoptive parents want to be a mom and a dad as well- great question.

Answer 10

What is  a PAP?

Answer 11

I don't think some people have a problem with people adopting because they want to be parents; I think it's more with the people who only want to adopt the womb-fresh infants with the right skin color and specific gender.

I could be wrong, but it's this demand for newborns and desire for specific races/genders that drives the adoption industry to charge outrageous fees and leads to the rampant unethical practices with a lot of the angencies out there.  And I'm sure we can all agree that 30,000 dollars for one child is pretty darn unethical and outrageous when you can adopt from foster care for little to nothing.

Most people would rather see adoption be about finding homes for those kids who need them...the kids in care, whose parents' rights have already been terminated.  PAP's may not get that day-old baby, but they can certainly still have an opportunity to be a parent...to a child who certainly needs a home.

And isn't that what adoption SHOULD be about?  The children?

Answer 12

Kristy, I totally agree with you. I'm tired of being bashed and ranted at by the bitter anti adoption people out there in the world.

For someone to say that to want a family and doing so through adoption is a horrible selfish reason, then they need to consider this- wouldn't it be more selfish to keep a child that they couldn't properly provide for or give stability to in life?  Those that put down adoptive families or potential AP's I don't think consider that other side of the coin at all.  Wanting a child and being able to parent and care for them properly are entirely different things. Adoptive parents don't exactly go into this thinking it's going to be a piece of cake. As AP's we're smarter than that and more educated about our children, the process and advocating for our families and children's rights. More so than those against us realize or think.

Answer 13

When you get mad at my answer, remember that you asked for it.

Here's the reasons why I think YOU should not have adopted:

-You created a demand for a child in a corrupt country by spending a lot of money for a child.  Products always rise to meet demand.

-The money you spent on that child could probably supported his entire family for years.

-You intentionally created a child of a single mother.  Yes, intentionally.  This BOY will grow up without a father. Or without any biological connection at all.

-You have said you know 'nothing' about his background.  The agency probably knew more, you should have demanded it.  For your SON.

-You intentionally took a child from his language, culture, family to be raised with a you, a woman of a different race.

-You intentionally adopted a child to be placed in a daycare facility to be essentially raised by others for what, 8-9 hours a day? And all summer.  Unless you are independently wealthy and don't have to work?

Why did you do this?

Because in your own words: I wanted to be a MOM.

Well, you created a situation for a child that will have more obstacles and emotional roadblocks than anyone should ever have to endure.

That is FAR from 'selfless'.

Answer 14

I'm really not going to say much here, because to me if i say wanting to be a mom is a bad reason to adopt, i would be speaking aganist my own mother. some people look at things in a all or nothing matter. either adoption is all good or all bad, they don't look at the gray area. i do believe that adoption is needed for reforms, i don't believe in speaking aganist the adoptive parents.

Answer 15

I hear what you're saying.  It's very tricky.

If you want to adopt because you want to be a parent, then you're adopting to fill your needs instead of the child's.

If you want to adopt because you want to make a difference in someone's life, then you're "saving" a child and setting them up with a burden of gratitude.

I don't think wanting to adopt because you want to parent is a bad thing at all. If you don't want to be a Mom, then you shoudn't adopt!  

But as far as your question goes, there's just no pleasing some people.

Answer 16

If wanting to be a parent makes me selfish then yup I am.  But we (Hubby & me) made an informed decision to parent a child that needed parents, not a "womb-fresh" new born.

I'm not looking to "save" a child either just to parent one or two.

Answer 17

All I can say is that I am thrilled that my mom wanted to be a mom, because that was her incentive for adopting me. I am also grateful that she wasn't scared by my desire to seek out my bmom - in fact, both of my parents supported my search - because it provided me with medical and history info, but it didn't take away from my mom being my mom. She certainly didn't adopt me to *save* me, she just adopted me because she wanted to be a mom.

Answer 18

I think it should be the perfect reason to adopt.Wanting to be a Mom is a big job,If you want to be a Mom and want to adopt You want to give a child all your love because till you adopt them they have no stable love.You are not being selfish.You are doing what a Mom needs to do.If I was in the Social worker business You would be the type of person I would want a child placed with.There is too many of those kids placed with ppl who dont love the kids at all.They adopt to have slaves.And beating bags.

Answer 19

Like everythign else in life, adoption is a risk and is not for everyone, my friend is in the process of adopting, the baby was born yesterday and her and her husband are ecstatic.  I have another friend who adopted and just before the first year was up the birth mother came back and said she wanted the child back.  I know threeother families who have adopted a couple of kids and they are doing great.

Adoption is a great idea, people are just leary of what the future may bring.  You just have to hope for the best.  .  

My husband and I have been going back and forth about it ourselves.  I think it is a great idea, there are children out there who is in need of a family to love and take care of them and there are people out there looking to give that love and share their lives with them.

Good Luck with your decision.

Answer 20

You're right.  Adopting a child IS the most life changing, self-less act.  It's also very difficult as is raising your own biological children, but is very rewarding.

What is selfish are those "parents" that bring children into the world and give them up for adoption, because caring for them doesn't fit their life style. Or the ones that have children and beat them to death 'cause the child was "bothering" them.

Answer 21

I disagree with that last sentence.  My parents were FAR from selfless.  They were young, immature, they had no idea what they were getting themselves into, and at one point, my mom decided she had made a mistake.  I won't tell you the rest of that story because it's too personal.  But there are people who have no idea what they're getting themselves into, weather they give birth or adopt.  It IS selfish to want a child, but not want to do the work once you have that child.  Or to want a child, but not care to learn what goes into raising that child.  Many PAP's who come here just want a baby so they can put someone in their spare room; or they want a blond haired, blue eyed cherub to match the rest of the family.  They don't really want a human being that will (ok, COULD) have issues and fears and anger.  THAT is irresponsible.  AP's should absolutely be held to a higher standard than biological parents because we're making the CHOICE to parent children who automatically come with special needs, simply by the fact that they're adopted.  If you're not willing and able to deal with the needs ANY child has, you shouldn't become a parent.  And if you're not willing and able to deal with the unique needs that an adopted child has, you should not adopt.  But not a whole lot of people point that out to PAP's.  I, for one, appreciate the fact that adoptees have a forum for getting that across to people who are on cloud 9, expecting their perfect little baby to come along and never rock the boat.  Hey folks, guess what?  These "angry adoptees" could be YOUR child one day!!!  What will you say to them when they are adults and ask the questions these adult adoptees are asking here?

ETA:  That would be me.  I had a "job" as a child, too, and I was raised with biological family.  I know what it's like to be expected to be someone I'm not in order to meet the needs of the adults around me.  If you have a problem with the job analogy, my email's open.

Answer 22

Whoever said that you're "giving this baby a job" has got to pay a little bit more attention to the Dr. Phil programs--at least the ones that I've seen where Dr. Phil's reference to a child having a "job" before it's born, was to reasons like...I want a child to complete me...I want a child to make me feel loved...I want a child because I'm lonely...or no one loves me, but my child would...  Those are examples of "jobs" a potential parent unfairly puts on a child before it's born.  

Therefore, the desire to want to be a mom, is NOT a job for the child.  What other reason would there be to have children?  It's a perfect reason if you're stable, willing and able!

Answer 23

Just a thought here . . . how many parents who don't adopt have to defend that they weren't selfish in wanting to be parents?  Welcome to the firing squad . . . of being an adoptive parent on Y!A.

I do firmly believe that those *few* (yep few) folks who adopt and foster for the sole purpose to increast the households cash flow are sick folks who should not have kids.

I know this isn't going to be popular with the sour grapes (See Kumbaya thread), but if wanting to be a parent is selfish, then whoa!  I guess I am selfish.  I wanted a family.  Parents who don't want a family should not have one.

I would be careful about the whole mystique that surrounds adoption, giving a child a chance at a better life, most selfless thing, etc.  This can cause the child to grow up with unrealistic expectations and this bitter angry type personality though.  All children just need to be loved and accepted by their families, adopted or not.