I was a foster kid. My life is a mess. Any advice?

Question

I grew up in foster care from 7 until I aged out at 18. I have no family and only like 1 friend. My life is a total mess. I feel like I want to die. Lately I have been thinking of trying to find my bio-mother, but don't even know if that would help. I do work and I work with kids, but that is all I have.

How did other foster kids "make it" in life?

How did you get over not belonging anywhere?

Any advice would help.

Answer 1

Don't get knocked up.

Don't drink and drive.

Don't mess with heroine.

Talk to people who are trained to listen and give you actual advice rather than asking Yahoo users.

Answer 2

I did not grow up in foster care........but basically my sibs. and I raised ourselves as our parents were either gone working or in a drunken stupor ---sitting watching TV!   I cannot imagine being separated from family I know,  to a total strangers house, this must have been INTENSE!

I am thankful for the neglect I have experienced in life because it taught me a few lessons in  life.

Take care of your body.  Eat right, excercise, accept any flaws you might have.

You sound like you have a job that you enjoy!  So you got that covered.   Are you getting the itch to pursue schooling and take your mind to the MAX that it can go.   That is always an adventure.............for me a bit humiliating.......but I have learned so much.......it was worth it!   I just had to study really hard.........misunderstood homework assignments, etc.

You could look up your  biological mother------many adoptive kids do..........but what are you looking for it to solve?

I have a profound belief in soul mates!   That there is someone out there that believes in me...........that he was created just for me..........just knowing that he is out there is all that I need.        Home is where the heart is...........and our mother earth!    You belong to your soul mate and vice versa!  And you have yourself.

If you desire more friends--------join some fun clubs.....drawing......kayaking......hik... anything you might take interest in.

Be thankful for the one friend you do have!     It is not possible to go through life and not connect to at least a few kindred spirits out there---------just be open to it!

Someone mentioned talking with a therapist.........might not be a bad idea.   It was very helpful to me.........I really did have an unusual childhood............the best thing I got out of it was the ability to self reflect and  to trust my instincts.

Whenever someone tells me there is no such thing as soul mates--------and I start to believe it, I flounder in life in all areas!   So now I trust what I instinctively  know--------there is someone out there created just for me, and me for him and it does not matter if we connect in this lifetime or the next.   I am never alone.    He is always in my heart.    Not to mention the many kindred spirits I have met in my journey through 42 years of life thus lived so far!  I live my life to honor them, I want to make them proud  of me!   And I know they love me no matter what.

Perhaps some of these people that have answered your call are kindred spirits.   Do not be afraid to say hello through e-mail.   Some of them can be your friends through words until you find what you are looking for!  It did for me!

Good luck to you!   Asking and answering questions here on Yahoo Answers is also very therapeutic!   Take care kid!

Answer 3

I would say to remember...Every day is a new journey and a new opportunity.  You have the power over your life to do anything and be anyone.  No one can define who you are but you.  If you don't keep that in mind, depression can overtake you.  

Counseling can really help.  There are programs that can help you get counseling, especially as a foster kid.  A counselor can go a long way in helping you learn to reconnect with people.  Usually kids in the foster care system are trained to not connect with people.  You need to reestablish that instinct.  

Personally, if I were you and depending on WHY you were removed, I would not bother reconnecting with your bio-mother.  If you were taken from her, there was probably a good reason.  Even if she has changed, it may not be enough to help you.  My sister's bio-mother was removed from her mom because of drugs, and even though she is now clean and back in my sister's life, she has a drugee mentality and only succeeds in upsetting my sister and trying to leech off her.  It's a sad circumstance...but it also varies from situation to situation.

Lastly, remember one thing.  In life, we all get two families.  The one we are born into and the one we choose.  Often, the one we choose can provide more love, caring and understanding then the one we are born into.  Just because you are cut off from your bio-family, that does not mean you can't still have an awesome family.

Good luck and Hope this helps.

Answer 4

You are in charge of your life.  Noone else is.

I was only fostered for about 3  years before I was adopted, but I was abused in my adoptive home just like I was in some of my foster homes, so I don't see much difference.  I had to learn to depend on myself cause I couldn't depend on the adults around me to care for me or protect me or keep their word to me.

I'm now an adult with adult age children.  My wife understands why I'm sometimes hard to get along with.  It's more important to me to make sure things go as I want them to than to compromise and make the relationship better.  But that's a lot less now than it used to be.  I've learned my wife is as strong willed as I am and we just have to agree to disagree at times, and we don't have to end every disagreement with either person giving in to the other.  We just accept that men and women approach life differently and we don't HAVE to agree and yet we can both be right, or have the right to hold onto our different opinion.

So I have a good life and marriage.

I do belong... in my own life, and in my wife's life.  I belong here because I choose to do so.  I choose to accept our differences and say they are OK.

Your life is only a total mess because you choose to wallow in self pity.  It's YOUR job to make your life better.  It's noone else's job.  

You have one friend.  This is good.  You can accept this friend as family.  If anyone tells you they have tons of friends, they are only fooling themselves.  None of us has lots of friends.  We only have a few truly close friends in life.  Many people confuse having lots of acquaintances with having lots of friends.  They are in error.

You may choose to find your biological mother, but first you should deal with your own personal problems.  

You have to do a thorough evaluation of yourself, and it would help to write it down.

Make a list of your strengths.

Make a list of your weaknesses.



Make a list of the reasons why you don't accept yourself and give yourself the right to be human.  Then ask yourself why you are punishing yourself by not accepting yourself as having the right to be human and make mistakes and not be perfect.

Write down a list of why you work with kids.  

I made it in life by depending only on myself, and deciding that I was going to be successful in life.  And I accept the successes that I have created for myself.  You have not done that.  You don't give yourself credit for what you did good and the work you do with children.

Going to a family counselor might be a good idea for you as well.

You need to learn to accept your good points and learn to love yourself.  You need to accept your "bad" or "weak" points as acceptable because you are human, or else change them!

cw

Answer 5

Like Andraya, I was a former foster kid too that aged out. Let's face it, the system sucks and does very little to prepare a kid for life out of care in the real world.  I lost count of how many times I fell flat on my face trying.

Please remember though, you can spend the rest of your adult life using your childhood as a crutch and never doing anything more than crying poor me, or you can cry a bit and then pick yourself up and try again. Even I have days where all I want to do is sit and try to understand why I had to go thru what I did... they happen...

Today at 31, I have my spouse, my 4 children, and they are my family. My friends and neighbours also become like family. We have one elderly neighbour that we mutually look out for that has became a "grandfather" figure to the kids. Hey it's not exactly the "real thing" but it's the next best thing.

Your never going to fully get over it, but you learn to deal with it. Life is what you make of it... and your the one in charge !!

Answer 6

I was raised by my bio mother & let me tell ya. sometimes the grass in NOT always greener.... I'm sure there are adoptive mothers that could do a much better job than my birth mom

Answer 7

to answer your question I have to say. Get in touch with your young self when u had no parents. what really made you mad? for an example im gonna use not having someone there to help you when your sad. So how many kids in the world are feeling what you were feeling? I want you to find one and tell them you'll always be there for them. So you can make a difference and you will start to think just because my mom didn't do that doesn't mean i don't have to.

Answer 8

I feel you.

Like they say "Life's a ***** and then you die"

Some people are enjoying this **** hole we live in but if your like most of us your life sucks and you wish you was never born.

My life sucks too...your not the olny one.

I wish I could just get it over with and die but I pray to God that things get better...2 years later I'm still depressed )=

But just think, some people have it harder like people in Africa or Iraq.

Answer 9

Its hard for anyone to give specific advice to you because we don't know how capable you are emotionally with dealing with it.

I would suggest finding a counselor that specializes in adults going through what you have. They will at least guide you into recovery and be able to gage how well/ or not so well your coping with it.

I would also suggest joining a local support group specifically addressing the problems/feelings your dealing with. You are not alone and it helps to hear other people talk about how they are dealing or dealt with the same issues.

Know that it will possibly take years for you to recover and there will be good days and bad days.

A good book to help you understand and work through emotions and not just sit in them and dwell is called " How to survive the loss of a love" it addresses the loss of any kind.

Melba Colgrove,Harold H. Boomfield,Peter McWilliams are the authors.

You deserve the sense of peace and happiness despite our society letting you and any other child fall through the cracks in legislation and ethics.

Answer 10

I just want to reach through this screen and hug you. Foster care is a nightmare, ageing out is a nightmare, being alone is a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have had to live this.

My best friend is a former foster child, she aged out at 15 when she had her first child. She suffers from her time in care to this day, 16 years later. I don't know what to tell you, you have to find your own reasons for being but having people to talk to certainly helps. Life is so uncertain, even more so when you have endured the horrors of living in care. If you need to talk message me, I have not been there myself but I have spent the last 25+ years helping my friend through her own pain.

Answer 11

You have survived the foster care system, which tells alot of people that you are a strong person.  You have survivor skills that you may not even be aware of.  You work with kids and think of it as a job or something, but those kids look up to you-so not only are you a strong survivor, you could potentially be a great role-model, if you are not already.

Can you call a couselor hotline and get some advice?  In my opinion, it seems as though you ARE making it.  So, try not to give up now.  

Really talk to some positive adults who have been through it.  Call your local social services department for assistnace, too.

Answer 12

I know your childhood must have totally sucked.  I think before you go looking for your b.mother you should seek some help with your depression.  You can't look for her-hoping to fill some void.  You don't know what the outcome will be.  If it is bad would you be able to handle it?  I hope you can find some support groups-there are tons out there-you should talk to others who have been in similar situations.  I don't have any specific advice for you-sorry-but reading some one 'wanting to die' -I had to comment.  You work with children.  Obviously you will have an impact on their lives-which gives you so much power!  Think of how you grew up and the effect adults in your life had on you. You can do so much good for these kids.  

I am adopted and can not get my medical records.  As with most adoptees-that is a major void in my life.  Our adoption/foster care system is a mess in this country.  I am trying to get involved in helping adoptees get open records.  After years of searching-with nothing but closed doors-I have come to realize that the only way to get anything is to work with others to get laws changed.  Doing things like this has helped me deal with being pissed off at the state of Indiana, all the people who have my birthrecords-but refuse to share them with me, and non adopted people who tell me to get over it!  I have met a lot of interesting people from all over the country in doing this.  It has been nice hearing from others who feel as I do.  

I don't know if that helps-but do not sell yourself short by letting your past make you bitter.  Things will get better for you-they can't get too much worse, right?  Before you know it life takes you places you would never imagine you could wind up.  But you have to start by letting go of all the negative-don't let it consume u:)

I wish you the best

Answer 13

Find a great church! You will always fell like you belong and most importantly YOU WILL BELONG AND BE WELCOMED.

Many blessings to you!

Answer 14

I had my mother in my life and my life was a mess. I think it all depends on the person. Hold your head up. Remeber you are a good person. Maybe you can give a wonderful home to a child. Learn from your life make it help you become a better person. If you ever want to chat feel free to IM me or email me. I hope that helps and good luck.

Answer 15

SMOKE A BLUNT AND BE HAPPY

Answer 16

I was in the same situation as you many years ago. I was lucky and met a very good man who became a positive mentor for me. You can read about him in my 360 page, under "The Pilot." If you look for anything long and hard enough, you'll find it. Maybe you too could find a good mentor, or someone who is a good example to emulate. Not too much help here, but it's all I got.

Answer 17

I was not a foster child, so I can not answer that part of your question.  But, I do suggest you find a counselor, call your local not for profit family service provider and ask for a low or not cost referral.  

What you are feeling is quite normal, most of who we are as young adults is based on up bringing.  With you not having a stable family life, you are just now trying to form attachments.  Finding your bother would be a great idea, but you must realize he may not have turned out as well.

Answer 18

My heart goes out to you!  Wish I, too, could reach through the screen and give you a hug!  I was a former foster child adopted by my foster parents (both alcoholics). My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption, then took out her resentment on me. Including physical & emotional abuse. She "unadopted" me 2 days after my a.dad died.  My parents never accepted my kids as their grandkids.

I spent years dealing with periods of depression, anxiety, an inability to feel loved by others & deep feelings of inadequacy.  With some therapy (group & one-on-one), self help books, & a lot of introspection, I've been able to struggle through many of my issues.

Today, I'm happily married to a wonderful man who (for some reason) loves me.  He doesn't understand the abuse (that is, he can't understand why anyone would abuse their child), but does his best to be supportive.  There is hope!  16 years ago, I didn't believe I'd ever be happy.  The best I hoped for was being content.  Today, I'm truly happy.  I still have issues to work through, but they don't rule my life so much.

Today, my family consists of my kids, step kids, husband, in laws & the many friends I've made over the years. This is where I belong.

You too, can make a place where you belong. Don't give up on yourself!  If you find a therapist, know that not every therapist will be a match or necessarily be helpful to YOU. Consider finding a support group.  Just knowing you're not alone can help a great deal.  And you'll meet new friends.  Think about being a support for a child in foster care (www.nationalcasa.org).  Just realizing that you have so much to offer, that you can help another get through what you've been through, can be amazingly therapeutic!  

You might want to read a couple of Alice Miller's books.

http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php

And another favorite of mine is "The Art of Forgiving", by Lewis Smedes. This book really helped me understand what forgiveness is and what it is NOT.

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Forgiving-Lewi...

YOU are worth it!  Remind yourself of that every day!!

Answer 19

don't look at what you don't have, but look at what u do, "when you feel bad that you have no shoes always remember that there's someone who has no legs."