I was adopted. How do i tell my mom i want to meet my birth mom w/ out hurting her feelings?

Question

kk. so my mom is really sensitive about my adoption, she hates talking about it and i love her so much, how do i tell her i want to meet my birth mom?

Answer 1

If you are an adult, and don't live with her, you don't have to tell her.  Or you might want to tell her until you have more information.

I think searching takes a lot of emotional energy.  It might be even more difficult if she gives you a big guilt trip, or worse if she makes you feel so bad that you delay your search.

You might want to read some books, and start passing them on to her:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Being Adopted: the Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodsinszy

Lost & Found

and

Journey of the Adopted self by Betty Jean Lifton

This is your time to discover your roots.   I commend you, and wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

As an adoptive parent, I would want my children to come to me and tell me if they wished to find their birth parents.  And I would give them every support and consideration in helping them to achieve this.

Is your mom a single parent, or do you also have a Dad?  I am thinking that perhaps if your Dad is more open to discussing adoption, you might start with him and let him know you are thinking of searching for your birth mother.  Then, with his support, you could sit and talk to your mom about it.  It sounds like you love each other very much.  She might be a little upset at first, but because of her love for you  she will surely be supportive in the end.  Good luck!

Answer 3

With great difficulty. Just remember, one of the complications of things that happened a long time ago, is that it is easy to forget the details. So over time, a women who gave you up because she didnt want kids (etc) may now say she never wanted to give you up. Not that I mean that people lie, but history often gets rewritten, especially if in later years you regret a decision you made in the past.

Your adopted mother has loved you so much to treat you as her own child, and to care for you (and spend all that money in bringing you up) .

Consider WHY you want to meet your birth mum. And if meeting her would change anything between you and your adoptive mother.

Answer 4

You seem to care about your mom very much and I think, if you let her know that, and tell her you don't want it to upset her, she'll understand.

Good luck

XX

Answer 5

First of all how old are you?  I think you should wait until you are at least of age.  Only because you dont know the reason your birthmother gave you up and it may end up hurting you.

Speaking from an Adopted Parents point of view it really hurt me when my daughter reunited with her birth mother at first.  But now I am so happy for her.  I felt like someone was trying to invade my space but really it was her space and she should be able to fill her space the way she wants. I did however tell her that I will always be there for her.  And today I took her to her birthmothers house to pick up some wedding pictures.

Just be careful not to say harsh words to your mother.  An old saying is "dirt washes harsh words dont"

Good luck, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 6

I don't agree with some others, it is not your job to sit her down and tell her,...but do it in a way you are comfortable with. I felt most comfortable by sending her a bunch of flowers and a card telling her that I loved her and always will but that now that I am able to, I am searching for my mother. Now some people may think that isnt giving her enough support, but to be honest as my amother said to me later - that isnt my job, it isnt my job to reassure her about her own emotions. It's not to say it was easy for her, but that as the parent dealing with her emotions about me finding my family was for her to do, and not for me to reassure her about other than I love her. If your smother is really ucofortable talking about adoption, maybe a conversation now isnt the best. My amum was uncomfortable about it back then too...now she regularly seriously asks after my sister/mother etc and I can share freely about my original family.

Answer 7

Explain that there is a time in your past that you want to bring some type of closure to.  Make it clear that you don't feel that your adoptive family has done anything wrong, and that you aren't looking to stay with your biological mom.  Are you willing to let your adoptive mom come with you to the reunion?

  Are you sure that your biological mom wants to meet you? Just a question, because I have read at least two stories about times when the biological mom didn't want anything to do with the adoptee. Those two stories were truly stories of heartache.  The adoptees felt like they were really not wanted.  I remember one of them ended up in a deep depression following the experience.  

I wish you luck, and hope that your reunion is a joyous occasion.

Answer 8

Sit her down.  Be honest, sincere and look her straight in the eyes and tell her how much you love her.  Then tell her that you want to search for your birth mom.  Remind her that your search has nothing to do with her.  That your search is about you and your desire to know where you came from.

I hope your mom can get over her insecurities and support you in your search.  Thats my advice as an adoptive mom.  Good Luck.

Answer 9

I know it is very scary, I just came out and said it to my adopted mom when I was 14 and she said I have no other mother than her, this made me mad and I ran away. I never had to go back I lived with real siblings, I wish I had waited to decide to search when I turned 18. Good Luck you have a tough decision.

Answer 10

just sit down with her and let her know that yes you love her very much and understand that it's a sensitive subject for her but you would like to know your birth mother, what she looks like who she is why she didn't want you, keep you or whatever it is that made you want to find her. as the mother that knows you probably better than anyone else in the world she should understand what your going through and honestly she knew when she adopted you that one day you would want to do this everybody does at one point or another it normal and it's okay.  the best thing you can do is be honest with your mom.

Answer 11

I am sorry your mom does not appear to you as wanting to talk about your adoption.

Is there someone that your mom is very comfortable talking to that also you love that can get some information for you?

Maybe your dad? An aunt? One of you mom's best friends?

Your mom must feel insecure some how or maybe she does not want you to get hurt.  It is best to find out first.

Then, you can have a heart to heart and explain to her that looking into your bmom has nothing to do with your love for her.  She was the one who raised you or is raising you and has taken care of you: give examples.

Then explain the reasons you want to find out more and let her know that you are ready for the reality whatever that maybe.

In life I have found that to embrace what is given gives you much more joy and is more fulfilling than when we focus on what is not given which can bring pain, anguish and ultimately lead you to waste precious time toward the positive in your life.

I wish you the best in your journey.

Answer 12

hmmm.  i love my parents a lot too, but i just needed to know my bparents.  simple as that.

you just have to tell her.  let her know how much you love her, but you don't feel settled without knowing your roots!

Answer 13

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mother so you should just be able to talk to her and be honest about the subject.  Be careful with words and be tactful.  Let her know that you love her very much and this in no way an attempt to hurt her.  You have no intentions of looking to her as "Mom" b/c you already have one.  The one who raised you.  Maybe she can even help you on this journey to find your bio-family.  After all, anyone who has ever adopted has to be aware of the possibility of their child wanting to search.  It's only natural.  Just work her in slow.  Reassure her that you aren't going anywhere.  Be honest with her.  Momma's always know, even what we don't always want to tell them.  So she is bound to find out sooner or later that you have a desire to find your birth mother.

Say a silent little prayer and ask for guidance.  Then in the best way that you know how, let her know what's on your mind.  I wish you the absolute best and I hope this helps to encourage you.

Answer 14

I am both adopted and have 2 adopted children- so I see both sides of your issue.  It is so wonderful that you love your mom as much as you say you do-  start by telling her your decision to meet your birth mom has nothing to do with a lack of love or respect for her. My son met his birth family for the first time last year- he is 19- some adoptees need to meet them and others don't- I have been fine not meeting mine- but if you really feel you want to - I really believe she will understand. The most important thing that you can do is re-assure her of your love for her.

One other thing, how old are you?  My kids knew that when they were 18 I would help them search if they wanted too

Answer 15

Wow this is difficult.  My sons are both adopted.  I love the adoption process and world.  Your mom was given a loving gift (you) from a woman she most likely doesn't know.  If it hurts her, comfort her...let her know that you have 2 mothers.  One that bore you and one that raised you.  

As a parent of adopted children, I had to realize "before" I adopted, that if I was going to ever fear them searching, then adoption was not for me.  I don't know how else to say, their mothers, gave to me a gift I could never repay.  They shared their children with me.  I hope this helps.

Just know this, regardless, you are beautiful.  You mother may be sensitive, but if you invite her to meet your biological mother with you, perhaps to thank her, she may end up being very supportive.  

Good luck!

Answer 16

I know how you feel...i was adopted too. When I was 16 I found my birth mother....my mom was anything but thrilled....she cried and threw a fit. But it was very hard to make her understand that it wasnt because I didnt love her...because I do more than anything. I was just curious...for once I wanted to see someone with my face...It was hard at first but eventually she understoof and she is fine with it now. I have been up to see my birth mom a few times, but we mostly communcate through letters....and I never talk about my birth mom around my adopted mom...just to keep the families seperate.

Answer 17

No matter what, she will be hurt if she is that sensitive.  Maybe you could ask her why she is so sensitive, but I'm sure in her own mind that she knows you will one day ask her this question.

Answer 18

Well, she should understand your natural curiosity.  You could let her know just what you said here.  "I don't want to hurt your feelings...  but..." short and sweet.

I think its important to be honest with her and not let things build up.

Answer 19

Tell your mom it is not about rejecting the family you have....it about learning about your family of origin and your genealogy.

Good Luck :-)