I was adopted. I only found out late in life. Advice please?

Question

When I was 13 my parents told me I was adopted (my siblings are natural though). I have kept it secret from my friends because I didn't want to be judged. How do I tell them and is it normal for me to not want to find my birth mother?

Answer 1

I actually know several people that were adopted. They have known forever though. I think that if your friends judge you because you were adopted and start treating you differently, then they really aren't your friends. You're not a different person because you now know that you were adopted. You're the same you, but you just know more about yourself than you knew before. Tell your friends casually. If you happen to get into a conversation about family or something, just casually be like "My family is so caring. They didn't want me to get hurt so they waited until just a little while (or a while...you never said how old you were now) ago to tell me I was adopted." or something like that. This way, you prove to them that you're not holding a grudge against your family and you're accepting of your family's decision to wait to tell you. About not wanting to find your birth mother and not having feelings for her, I think that's fine considering you grew up not even thinking that your adoptive mother wasn't your real mom. As long as you love the people you live with and as long as you accept your birth mother's decision, I think you're fine. Just always remember that she was the one that was responsible for your birth and that she made a decision that was best for you. As my friends "Why was I adopted?" book said, "your parents adopted you because they wanted you and they love you." Love your family and love yourself for who you are.

Answer 2

you shouldnt be juged for being adopted.

if they are real friends they obviously wont

you will always have an urge to find your real parents but if you deside to it dont hurt your foster parents in the process

good luck

xx

Answer 3

My neice was adopted but by her neurotic aunt who hates the rest of the family. She doesn't know she's adopted ans she's 4, if you are happy with your life and family it is not crippling to forget about your birth mother. Being adopted is unique and should not be criticized, if your friends do not like you because you were adopted then it is better to find out their true feelings about you now than when it could cost more than friendship. Don't be afraid of being judged, more people are worried about what you think of them than what they think of you. This is what gets me through life, I hope it helps you.

Answer 4

If your friends are truely your friends they will not judge you. When you are ready, just tell them what your parents told you and answer their questions. As far as your birth mother goes, the reason that she allowed your parents to adopt you into their home and hearts is something that you could not control then or now. Your feelings (or lack of) for her are your own. I nor anyone else can tell you how you should feel. If there comes a time in your life that you truely want to meet her then deal with those feelings then. For now simply enjoy life and enjoy knowing that your parents chose you as their child and that they love you and want what is best for you. That is what parents do.

Answer 5

It is normal not wanting to meet your real mother so dont worry.

If your freinds judge you then they arent real freinds.

As long as you know there are people who love you.

Answer 6

I would not even bother to tell them. What difference should it make to them. And its perfectly normal to not want to "find" your birth mother especially if you had a good life.

Answer 7

Why is it important to tell your friends?  If you are satisfied with your family then continue as is.  It is completely up to you if you think it is important to tell anyone.  You have your adopted parents name, and they have legal responsibility for you as if you were a natural birth child.  I have known many that were adopted and think it was great that someone cared enough to provide them with a family that loved them and they could love.  Some have contacted their birth parents.  Sometimes with good results, sometimes not so good.

Answer 8

If you feel you need to confide in your friends confide in them. Being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of so there is no reason you should be afraid of being judged. You didn't do anything wrong. You were adopted because you were wanted plain and simple. Maybe the fact that it was kept "secret" until your parents thought you could handle it is why you are thinking that it is something shameful or embarrassing. Whatever you decide about locating your birth family is a big decision...and if you need your friends support let them in. Whatever you decide is normal... There is nothing wrong with you. Frankly if being adopted or adopting is something your friends would judge you for maybe you should find new friends.

Answer 9

It is normal that you dont wanna find your birth mother. And its also normal that you feel nothing for her- youve never met her! If you wanna tell your friends but the only thing thats keeping you from telling em its the being judged problem, id say tell them. if they are true friends, theyre not gonna judge you and theyre gonna be there for you no matter what!. so i think it is a good idea that you tell them. good luck, and email me if you wanna talk or something!

Answer 10

Hi =) I was adopted too. Fortunately I was told when I was very young. But there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Actually whenever I tell people about it they are very intrigued. Most people feel that being adopted is extra special because you were really wanted... not just an unplanned pregnancy lol. So my advice..tell your friends... keeping it a secret is not beneficial to you or them.

Answer 11

Yes it is completely natural, Im 26 and still not interested in finding mine.  But there is nothing embarrassing or bad about being adopted, it is the best thing to say that your adopted and that there are people that do love you and want to have you has a daughter.  God Bless all the good people that take the chance of adopting and telling the kid or kids the truth.

Answer 12

Its perfectly normal to seek one’s biological parents, I think its only fair to expect you to have this desire. You want to know why, why they left you? Be careful you may not find the answer you need or want, people fail us all the time and our parents are not perfect.

Your adoptive parents have been honest and told you when they knew you could handle this information. I am sure they have wrestled with this decision but they do clearly respect you and trust you. I doubt if it was done to hurt you and I am sure they will help where they can so that you can meet your biological parents. Your adoptive parents have loved you and cared for you all these years, you are certainly lucky.

I sought my biological dad out a few years back and discovered he had died in a car crash a few years before. But I also discovered something about him that I wish I never knew, his crash was a suspected suicide, he beat all the women in his life and turned out to be a real pig. It changed how I felt about myself, I felt suddenly that I came from bad stock. Its taken some time but I now see that I can be more than mere genetics. So I warn you to not place your biological parents on a pedestal, they proved to be unworthy of you once and to be honest it may still be the case.

But do find them and get your answers, otherwise you will spend a lifetime wondering. Good luck!

Answer 13

I found out later in life then you..I was 17 when I was told. Honestly though I have not had that many feelings of anger over the issue and surprisingly enough it was my 1/2 sister who needed comforting when we were told. She just feel apart at the thought that I would view her as less than a sister. I did however have a VERY strong desire to locate my dad and his family I needed to see. Did I walk like them, talk like them, what about expressions. Did I somehow belong there moreso instead of here, where I felt loved but somehow out of place. I kept it a secret at first but decided that this was my life and I could proceede any way I choose as long as I didn't leave mangled bodies in my wake. So even before I went to my mom, I went to my dad. The man who raised me. Good and bad, flaws and faults. He loved me exactly the same as my sister. Anyway I spoke to him about this need in me to look and he supported me and even helped. I found my bio-dad and as much as it please me to see my features and expressions on the faces of my 4 older brothers. I also knew where I belonged and why my mom lied to me. My bio-dad came to my wedding but my DAD walked me down the isle. My advice is that you are free to look and most adoptive parents are ok with that, even ready. They are not stupid and they knew this day would come. Be honest. They will support you. Yes it is very normal for you to want to find your mom, I spent 2 years looking for my dad. Thank God my mom kept his info ready for me as my birth certificate was changed and sealed as well. As for my last peace of advice.. Don't be angry, people are human and they make mistakes but to carry anger like that around all day for years, it is a truly heave burden and will eventulally change who you are for the worse. good luck.

Answer 14

Don't tell me... let me guess... your parents are white and you are black... RIGHT?

As for finding your birth mother... forget it... she probably doesn't want to see you because you represent something in her life that she would rather forget... you have NO IDEA what you can cause by finding her.

Answer 15

Why do you consider it something bad to be adopted? Your natural parents may have given you the best gift they could have,a chance at a good and decent life.There is no stigma to being adopted..It is not a bad thing.You could have been aborted...They gave you life and then gave you a chance at life.Some kids live with there natural parents and have no life at all. To love you enough to give you up is a good thing not bad.

Yes it is natural to want to find your birth parents..So if that's what you want --go for it..

Answer 16

see some or the other day they will come to know abt u

rather let it be u telling them

so go ahead and tell them

they will have a feeling for u

and will respeact u

becoz truth always wins

Answer 17

As long as you have a family that loves and cares for you then be happy with life. People can be cruel so dont tell just anyone, they really dont have to know. Yes it is normal because she gave you away. Maybe she wasn't ready, maybe one day you will want to meet her, but you shouldn't hate her.

Answer 18

dear people will judge about everything

the shoes you have !

the shirt you wear

the makeup you have !

its hard but dont let this interfer!

tell your friends you will find who is really your frineds!

and for not wanting to know about mummy either wanting or not wanting is normal or abnormal !

what is normal is that it is your mind your ideas!

your descisions not theres not even your parents!

who knows you think this way now maybe in 5 years it will be tye other way around!

just dont let people get to you who judges is not a friend! remember this

Answer 19

don't worry what people think about you.  i put a baby up for adoption, its hard.  i know you are young and you are worried what your friends would say, but don't worry about what they think.  if they don't like you cause you were adopted, than they are not worth having a friend like you.

Answer 20

Hi Isabella,

Firstly, do NOT listen to lettucer.  How cruel.  Actually, the stats show that the vast majority of natural parents want to know their relinquished children and had an very, very hard time relinquishing them, so he has no idea what he's talking about anyway.

Anyway, adopted people are mixed about meeting their natural families.  I didn't feel much about it until I got older.  I didn't want to, and then when I was 35, I wanted to.  So I did.  Turns out they were looking for me, too.  We have a great reunion.  But, reunions are like any other relationship.  Some are good, some just okay, some not so good.  Whether you want to meet them or not, neither is "normal" or "abnormal."

Even though I always knew I was adopted, I felt a little uneasy when people would talk about it at school.  But, most people didn't think anything negative about it at all, so the uncomfortable feelings didn't have anything to do with them.  As time went on, I was able to feel more and more comfortable with it.  So, it's really up to you who you wish to tell.  It's your business, to be shared as you please.

If you ever need a place to talk about how you're feeling, come on over to adultadoptees.org.  Despite the name, there is a forum area specifically for teens.  You can talk about whatever you want with other people who are adopted, so they "get it."

Best to you,

Laurie

Answer 21

It's your truth - and if you feel that you want to tell them - then go ahead.

Whatever way in which you tell them - will give away how you feel about it - perhaps you're just confused by how you feel about it yourself - as finding out late isn't easy.

Also - if your a-parents kept it a secret - it perhaps has a negative conertation - or why would they have kept it a secret?? It might not - but certainly secrets can make adoptees feel ICK - I know - and although I have always known I was adopted - I was discouraged from talking about it with my a-parents - the subject was off limits.

This is why adoptive parents should NOT keep secrets from their adoptees. It compounds the confusion an adoptee can sometimes feel.

Whether you want to search for your first mother - or not - is fine - either way. You will get questions - sadly - and many will judge you either way. An adoptee is always having to juggle that space in between their two families.

Just know - whatever you feel - is fine. And it's all yours to feel.

I hope you have a close friend you can confide in first. Then perhaps you can tell more as time goes on.

Know that you are not alone.

If you ever feel the need of support from online adoptees - check in at this forum - they have an under 20 board if you are still that young -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Please know that anything and everything you feel - is completely normal. Being adopted can be a complete mind game at times - just know that your feelings are just right for you.

Email me through my profile anytime if you need.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 22

I'm 38.  I've known since I was 5 that I was adopted.  To me, my adoption status is just part of me...like the fact of my hair or eye color.  If you don't wanna tell..don't.  Its no one's business.  I still haven't had any desire to look for my birth family.  I don't hate either - just feel nothing towards them...maybe grateful.  I am beginning to get curious about my birth siblings and can see a time in the future that I may search for them but right now?  I'm content.

Answer 23

Not sure how knowing you are adopted will change the minds of  your friends about you.  You are still you.  Adopted or not.  If they do judge you for it, maybe they aren't your friends.

Answer 24

I was adopted when I was 2 for the second time. My parents told me from the time I could understand this. There is no reason for you to feel embarrassed. I look at it as I'm special my parents didn't have to keep me they chose to not like with biological where you get what you get. It's only natural to be curious about your biological parents. Everyone wants to know where they came from, what there parents looked like etc. There is no reason for you to keep it a secret, be proud cause your mom and dad chose to get you and you are just as much their child as the ones your mom gave birth to. Just simply say my parents are great they chose to adopt and I was the lucky one they chose to get.

Answer 25

I am adopted and knew all my life, and we also have 2 adopted children that knew from the beginning.  Since you did not, I can understand why you may feel the way that you do. I never thought that adoption could bring so much judgment until I started on this site.  However let me give you some advice- if those people that you know do judge you- you can look them in the face and say- "My adopted (real) parents wanted me so much, they went looking for me".  It is very normal that you may not want to know or find your birth mom.  I really have had no desire to do that either.  However, that does not mean, that I do not love her, and thank God that she chose life for me.  My son , who is 19 just met is birth mom this past year. Our 15 year old has not shown interest.  Do not let what others say disturb you- once when I was in junior high, I told one of my teachers that I was adopted and she made a big deal about it in front of the class- telling me that I was lying.  However later I realized it was her problem.  I am pretty sure that it is because they told you later that you were adopted that makes it harder for you to talk about it- but remember you are special. If you can email and want to talk more about why you feel that you may be judged- please feel free to write me.