I was adopted at 5 years old. i feel guilty sometimes for being born.i feel like there is a huge void..?

Question

i try to act like everythings allright but it isnt and i feel alone help.

Answer 1

I am so sorry you feel that way. I do not have too many words of wisdom. Though your birth mother did the most unselfish act a person can ever do, give you a chance for a better life.  Good luck.

Answer 2

What you are feeling is very normal!  Children are what is called "ego-centric", meaning, they think that they are at the center of everything that happens in their world.  And it is universal for children to always believe that when difficult or sad things happen, it their fault.

So, perhaps you are thinking -- my birthmother placed me for adoption, so something sad must have happened for her to do that, therefore it must have been my fault.  I caused her to have to place me for adoption.  I was the reason she could not parent me, and had to go through what must have been such sadness.  Is this fairly close to what you have felt?

Well, of course, the truth is, that for ALL children, whether they were placed for adoption, or their parent gets a divorce, or a parent leaves or even dies -- this is never the child's "fault".  These are very ADULT issues, adult decisions, adult tragedies that strongly affect the lives of children!  But children do not in any way whatsoever cause these problems or situations.

You would do well to join an "adoptee" gropup, where you can talk to others who know exactly how you are feeling!  Then, you do not have to pretend at all.  You can simply feel what you feel, and do not have to ever feel ashamed of your feelings, afraid of your feelings, or guilty.  You can even find a group online, by typing in "adoptee support group".  And locally, you can call Catholic Charities, or any other older, larger adoption agency or social services agency and ask for an adoptee support group.

If you have feelings of feeling guilty about wanting more info, or having longings for infomation, and do not feel able to share these feeling with your adoptive family, that is o.k.  I do not know any details about your adoption, but chances are, there is someone in your adoptive family who would certainly understand and support you.  Maybe you are afraid to check that out?  It's o.k. to.  And if your family is not understanding, just try to understand that they may feel confused or hurt by your feelings, that's all. Be gentle -- they love you, but sometimes just don't know how to handle their feelings either.  

Is there anyway to make a connection with any part of your bio family?  That will likely give you some of what you are needing.  But be prepared for this not being the answer to your feelings.  Sometimes it is, but sometimes after adoptees search, and find, they can be disappointed, and even hurt.  Be careful.

And please know -- birth and adoptive family alike -- no matter what it may feel like sometimes -- each truly loved you and wanted the best for you!  

Good luck!

Answer 3

I'm sorry for your feeling of aloneness and guilt. I don't know your situation, so it is difficult to really speak to your issues. But I am an adoptive mother.  I do know how much most people adore their children who are adopted.  You give someone so much hope and make lives complete.  I hope you can find a place of joy and laughter to share with your special family.  I'm not sure I agree with those who say start searching for family.  Your family is the people you have grown up knowing and loving.  They are the ones who kissed your boo-boos and hugged away your broken heart. Look within yourself to find happiness and joy.  It's there, just seek it.  Best of luck to you.  God cares.

Answer 4

We are all looking for our Maker and for adopted children this more true than anything else.

This whole adoption industry is based on this this obscene myth- 'oh your mother loved you so much that she gave you up'. No one gives up anyone, especially out of love. But sweetie, understand this, your mother gave you up probably cos she was very young, very poor and probably felt very unsupported and powerless. This cruel industry probably encouraged her to give you up cos 'its best for you and her'.

But understand this- you are special- there are no two people like you. You were created unique and you are loved and wanted. The world wants you and needs your special talents.

Hang in there.

Answer 5

I was adopted too at 5 months(or less) I had a wonderful childhood a loving family a sister the dog and the whole 9 yards Now im 41 and have met my birthfamily (my birthmother 2 times once in the 90' and recently in march of 2007 and a sibling whos in her early 30's ) but I feel alone still too I act like everythings alright but it isnt and I wonder if my mother should have ever told me

Answer 6

You are here for a reason! Please love yourself. Every person is a gift.

Answer 7

I know what you mean. I found out at 11 years old that my step mother, whom I thought was my real mother, for 11 years, was not my birth mother. I was told out of the blue that my birth mother had passed away after I was born.

Don't feel guilty for being born, I feel guilty as well, I feel I killed my mom being born. I will never get the chance to look her up, I will never get to meet her, and it hurts me bad too.

Someday you should maybe look up your birth mother? I sure would if I had the chance. Maybe she can answer some questions for you, and fill the void.

Answer 8

START A SEARCH FOR YOUR BIO SIBLINGS PERHAPS YOU ADOPTED PARENTS COULD HELP DON"T FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING BORN THE VOID YOU FEEL IS ONE YOU FILLED FOR YOUR PARENTS DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TALK TO THEM MAYBE THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK THEM I PLACED A DAUGHTER FOR ADOPTION IN 1968 AND I AM SEARCHING FOR HER AT THE TIME OF HER BIRTH I WAS TO YOUNG AND HAD THE DECISIONS MADE FOR ME  I ALSO AS A BIRTH MOM HAVE THAT VOID ALSO YOU ARE NOT ALONG IF YOU CAN NOT SPEAK TO YOUR PARENTS FIND SOMEONE LIKE A MINISTER  COUNSELOR TALKING TO SOMEONE WILL REALLY HELP YOU JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP FOR ADOPTIES AND BIRTHPARENTS FOR INSTANCES P.L.A.M. PARENTS AND ADOPTIES LIBERTY MOVEMENT THERE ARE OTHERS IN YOUR STATE

Answer 9

hi sweetie i dont know if i'll be much help but i'll try. I wasnt adopted nor am i an adoptive parent but i am a birth mom and i gave my sweet little girl into open adoption. Giving Aria up was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life i'm in an open adoption so i am allowed visits but it didnt make things easier. I feel great knowing that i did the right thing for my daugther i wasnt ready to be the mom that she needed and lucky i found someone who is and loves her more than anything else in this world. You are such a wonderful gift to your mom and dad and of course not knowing where you come from is going to confuse you and i'm sure is just as hard. I dont know why your parents put you into an adoption but i'm sure they wouldnt want you to have a huge void in your life i wouldnt want that on my daugther.  If you ever want to talk to me your more than welcome to i really do hope this helps you alittle bit you take care now.

Answer 10

My grandfather, high school sweetheart and now MY second son are all adopted. I have 2 sons one 'biological' and one 'adopted' and you know I don't think, feel, or love them any differently. But lets just talk about my second son, I have such a great bond with him. I cannot imagine him not in my life. And adopted child is never an 'oops' they are loved in so many ways. Your family wants you there! That is why they adopted you!!! I think what you are feeling are the "what ifs" the "shoulda coulda woulda beens" with your biological family and for that I am sorry but remember you are loved that is why they picked you!

Answer 11

Guilt is a useless emotion. it doesnt address the problem of the love you missed in the formative years. For your loss I can only sympathise. but you were adopted by parents who presumably treat(ed) you well enough.

You dont speak of your current situation so i dont know if I am addressing a 12 year old or an 18 yr old.  its time to let the guilt go and try to enjoy the family that wanted you so badly they went out and chose you specially.  Other kids are treated like accidents by their birth parents all the time and they really feel it too.

Appreciate that these are not the people who gave you up. these are your rescuers and embrace them for that. Make what you can of this opportunity because another five years in an orphanage or other setting would have robbed you of a lot more.

Study hard at school and be the best person you can be. that's all any of us can do and that's all anyone expects from you. don't be so hard on yourself.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

Answer 12

been there felt that...I do understand I was about 2 yrs old when I was adopted and have just within the last couple of years been found by my birth mother.

feel free to email me to talk, I believe I am a good listener and try to be balanced in my advice.