I was adopted before I was born and I have found my blood family..?

Question

I actually found them 6 years ago. I never told my parents because I know my mom would feel threatened and be pretty upset. My dad on the other hand would be OK with it but not 100% happy. He's told me before that he knew my brother and I would eventually want to find our birth mom or dad and that he and my mom are sort of prepared for the day to come. He said he would help too. Well I ended up finding them on my own and have met them and everything. I don't talk to my bmom because she made a very bad impression on me when I met her but I do talk to her sister and her family on rare occassions.

Is it to late to tell my parents that I found them or would it be worse now that I've waited so long with this secret? I want to let them know how much I appriciate the life they have given me. If my bmom would've kept me, things would be really really bad!

I don't know if it matters but I'm 27.

Answer 1

I think you should tell them, just don't try to integrate your 2 family's. It doesn't sound your amom would like that. She might need some reassurance that she is still your mom.

Answer 2

No decision to make.  Tell them and live with the consequences.  Why keep secrets?  It will only multiply ov er time but I would also tell them that they are still your real mom and dad (not your birth mom and dad) and that they always will be.....and tell them how you appreciate what they have done for you.

Answer 3

that is completely something that you have to decide- sure we could say for you to say something or not- but YOU know your parents and what their feelings are on this.... if you did tell then def bring up the fact that your birth mother left no lasting impression on you and that she is someone you want to really have nothing to do with...on the otherhand you do not have to say anything...you are a grown woman and can make decisions on your own... whatever you think is right do it....

Answer 4

I think your parents should understand your curiosity and would want to know about your contact.  You're an adult; they're adults...  I think they can handle it.  Adoption is forever.  As you grow, there will/may be other issues...  who knows.  I would tell them what you said in your question above.  Good luck, Kristy

Emzie:

I found your note to be very interesting.  I am an adoptive mom and thank you for sharing your feelings.  I understand how your parents don't want to see you hurt.  Best wishes.

Answer 5

u foster mom loves you so much that she worried she might lost you. you must talked to her nicely explained , that you still love even though you have seen your natural mom. be fair to both of them. ( remember you foster was always there when you need someone)

count yourself lucky to have found you foster parents , unlike some never did .

take it slowly .. dont shock your foster mom

good luck

Answer 6

my parents adopted my sister at birth, she has always wondered who her bdad is. she knows who her bmom is, she is my mom's sister...she just couldn't care for my sister the way she should. I think you should let them know you found your bmom and family. they'd prolly rather know then you keep it from them, but thats up to u to decide. I'm sure your adopted parents know that you appreciate everything they've done for you. Good luck!!

Answer 7

I think you should tell them.  I understand why you searched on your own. But,  I don't think you should have necessarily gone behind their backs when you actually met your birth parents.  Your adoptive family probably could have been there as moral support during this time for you.  However, it is already done.  I do think you should talk to them.  Good communication is essential in every family (birth or adoptive).  It may be a bit hard for them.  But, let them know that because you love them and value their opinion you wanted to be truthful.  

Secrets in a family can be devastating later on.  Just think how they would feel if something happened to you and then they found out!

Answer 8

If you rele want to meet them you should try to make a real relationship wit them wat can it hurt? ur a grown women u should be able to handle it

Answer 9

I think that now is the perfect time to tell them.  A big part of the fear that an adopting parent faces is that they will be replaced or that the biological parent will be somehow more of a part than they are because they are related by blood to the child.  However, all of these worries are already resolved, as you have met her, and you don't want a relationship with her.  Icing on the cake is that you now realize that while it may hurt to be adopted and have all of those questions, you now know that the best decision was made for your life.  (a little kudos to birth mom for knowing that she was unfit)  And now you are genuinely thankful for the life that your parents provided for you.  I would present it in a memorable way.  Perhaps wait until mothers or fathers day, make a book a kinkos filled with pictures and memories of your life with them.  Then tell them on that day, that you met your bio mom (dad?) and that you are so very great full  for all they have done.  I think it will help ease that fear and anxiety in them that they will one day be replaced.

Answer 10

if it bothers you that much i would tell them

what if they found out thru hearsay

that would hurt worse

they would love hearing about the appreciated part

every parent waits for that

i still am

Answer 11

what it all comes down to is what you feel is the right thing to do. i'm sure your adopted parents would want to know about your encounter with your birth parents but make sure to tell them how you really feel.

Answer 12

i think u shud. gud luk

Answer 13

I think they might like to know that you found them and because you did appriciate the life they gave you even more.

Answer 14

I think they would appreciate your honesty, especially couched with the words and sentiment you use here -- sounds like you love them and value them as parents.  That's all the assurance they need.  Bottom line, they don't want to lose your heart.  I think the truth now would be better than later.  Just speak from your heart, and it will probably be o.k.  Just remember you have had a lot of time to "absorb" all this new info and new relationships.  They will likely need time to adjust, too.  Good luck to you all!

Answer 15

They're adults.  They can handle it.  Or don't tell them--it's YOUR business.

But I must correct you==you were NOT 'adopted before you were born', until the adoption was FINAL, you belonged to your natural mother.

Answer 16

If you are asking the question, then I believe you already answered it for yourself.  You need to tell them, it obviously bothers you that they dont know.  It dosent have to be brought up to them like its a bad thing, you are a grown person and have the right to make choices.  I hope you find it in yourself to make the right choice to tell them, it will in the end make your life and relationship much easier.  Just think of how much better holidays will be if you could have them meet your sister!

Answer 17

hi

im in the same sort of position as you.i was adopted when i was 7months old and have recently got in touch with my sister,brother,cousins and uncle.

I am only 17 and it is hard going through it all.They have told me they want to meet me but my adoptive mum has told me if i want to then i should but she just doesnt want me to get hurt or feel rejected by them.

I have decided i dont want to meet them but every now and then we send emails to eachother.

All i can say is think it through and if you really want to do it then go for it

good luck x

KIRSTY

Thank you.I am only 17 and people have been telling me when im older i will probally change my mind.But the way i feel is that,i have my family and have always been loved and cared for.If the had wanted to see me they would have got in contact before..I did used to see my nan when i was a baby but when i was 7 she didnt want to know anymore.

I think i have been given a better life than i would of had..Like my mum chose her new boyfriend over my sister when she was 14 and chucked her out on the street..i would rather of been adopted than to of had that happen..but my sister has done well for herself and she doesnt want to be in contact with anyone else in the family apart from me and my brother but its wierd because i feel that she isnt part of me because she has never been in my life but i talk to her and things are going well atm

Answer 18

If you want to tell them, tell them.  If you don't, then don't.  But if they happen to find out on their own, their reaction will be a whole lot worse than if you just be up front and honest.

Meeting your bio-relatives has nothing to do with whether or not they were good parents.  It is not a betrayal or a "choosing" of one over the other.  Do you "betray" your old friends when you meet a new one?  No.

And with the gratitude thing...I totally understand it...I'm an adoptee myself...but honestly...you're all grown up now and there's no way you can possibly be "raised" again by your bio-parents...so what's there to be afraid of?  Yes life may have been bad with your bio's, but that life DID NOT HAPPEN...and it NEVER WILL.  END OF STORY.

Answer 19

I know how you feel. I am in the process of locating my birth family and when I questioned my mother a little she got all defensive and mad and said it would break her heart if I ever wanted to find them. She has said this to me since I found I was adopted. If you think you need to tell them then be open and honest and tell them they have nothing to worry and that you still love them. Remember it is your right if you wanted to find and meet and get to know your birth parents. It will be ok.  :)

Answer 20

well, especially since you don't communicate w/ ur birth mom, your mom wouldn't really feel threatened I wouldn 't think.  

My sis was put up for adoption, and now are best friends, my mom and her aren't that close though, but her adoptive mom is around  all the time and I think probably is upset someone put her baby up for adoption, but as same time thrilled she was given the option to care for her etc..so tell ur family i'm sure they'll be a little shocked, but overall happy for you, u get to see ur actual blood relatives, what a gift! so many others never get that option.