I was adopted in a closed adoption , Is there a way to meet my parents ?

Question

I was adopted in Texas in 1981 , now 27 years old I would like to meet both parents. My adoption agency charges a fee to give me the info and also says i have to go to councling. Is there a way around this ?

Answer 1

It so sucks that they will charge you for information about YOU.

So very wrong.

Here are some places to start your search without them - but you may need your non-id info from them to help in the search.

Check out all the links below.

First - add your details to the registries here

http://www.isrr.net/

http://registry.adoption.com/

Check for information on your state records here -

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

Check here for search help - and links to free search angels -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

And check here for any support - it's the best online forum for adoptees I've found -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/

All the very best with your search.

(to those that don't know - in most states in the USA - once an adoption is finalised - original birth certificates are locked away in a vault - mostly - forever. It's sad that the USA can't treat adoptees like every other US citizen.)

Answer 2

have you the original birth certificate ? my people don't move far from were there born hun try there first

Answer 3

Try registering with the ISSR. http://www.isrr.net/

If you haven't already, look through and register with the on line adoption reunion registries. adoption.com has one; there are several others that you can find through a search. Kind of a long shot but worth trying.

Where is your original birth certificate? If the state has it, you may be able to view that. (I'm not in Texas, or familiar with agency adoptions, just throwing out ideas.) That would get you their names and you could try to look them up on line. Try intelius.com if you have names.

Counseling is probably a good idea, but to be honest I think that fee is...just c**p. I would be so mad.  

Answer 4

Snowwill has given you a good answer and it is wonderful to see the adoption resources listed out for your help.  

I have been an adoptions counselor, and I know there is information in many adoption records that would come as a shock to the person adopted.  Counseling is not meant to insult your coping abilities and maturity, but prepare you for the way new information might change the way you view your own self, your life story, your adoption, and both your adoptive parents and birth parents(and their families).  And, yes, I absolutely agree that the information in that record belongs to YOU.

It sounds to me like the easy way is to pay the fee, meet the counselor, and see what help you can get in arranging a meeting from the agency.  Do some reading to prepare yourself and know what questions you might be asked, and know what information you want the agency to provide.

Only if that doesn't get you anywhere would you need to go to the time and effort of searching adoption registries, using adoption search services, etc, , and try to locate the birth parents on your own.

Answer 5

thats really weird... my name is also brett and i also live in Texas

Answer 6

Hi Brett, I have no idea where Miss Sunshine got her information, but it's wrong (and judgmental) on many, many levels.  There's nothing unusual about a person wanting to know his origins.  I've been reunited with my first family -- both mother's side and father's side -- for seven years.

It amazes me how these agencies want to continue to treat adult human beings like perpetual children, simply because they were adopted by someone.  Just like any other adult citizens, adults who were adopted are more than capable of making their own decisions and handling their own contact and relationship matters.  Imagine being required to get counseling in order to make contact with one's first love from high school because it "might" be stressful.  Give me a break.  As an adult, you shouldn't be subjected to such requirements.

Possum gave some great resources.  Make sure to sign up with the ISRR.  Sunny gave you some great resources, as well.

Texas has a birth index available at Ancestry.com.  They'll let you sign up for a free two week trial.  I've found several relatives this way.  The nice thing about Texas' birth index is that it gives both parents' names (if listed on the birth record,) not just the mother's name.  The birth index is a useful tool.  It frequently lists adopted persons under their adoptive information.  BUT, sometimes is lists them under their birth info and sometimes it lists them twice -- under both.  Using your own birth date and county of birth, see if you can match yourself to a listing on the index (to a listing other than your adopted name, of course.)  If their aren't many listings, it is likely that the matching listing is you under your birth information.  Even if there are a lot of listings, it certainly narrows down the search.  From these listings, you will have parents' names.

Answer 7

get a PI.....that is what my sister did and he found her!!  I have no idea what it cost, but it does't cost a thing to ask some!!  Good luck and hope you find them and that your relationship is as good as me and my bio moms is!

Answer 8

Do not give up,  there is an excellent chance that your birth parents want to find and know you. We love our children and the majority of us DO know who the birth fathers are.  Shame on your adoption agency to charge for your information. That is so very sad.

I agree with some counseling, it helped me. Before you start your reunion journey, make sure that you are prepared for anything, whether it be good or bad. Good luck.

Answer 9

Hi Brett,

Firstly, you rock.  Adoptees who decide to search are brave and intellectually curious--I commend you!

Counseling, eh?  That's rich, isn't it?!  Trying to imply that people (specifically adoptees) curious about their origins are mentally unstable--I wonder why we bother to teach history classes in schools, or why genealogy is the fastest growing hobby in the U.S...hmmm, lots of nutty people I guess.  

Anyway, about you.  There is nothing wrong with you!  I know Possum has already invited you to join us here at;

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

there are very knowledgeable people there, who can offer advice & support, too.

In addition to the sites already given to you, I'd like to offer some articles & books that might help as you move through this process.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Your local library should have some.  Please stay strong, and ignore the ugly advice to be "grateful and shut up".  The only person you OWE anything to is YOU.  

Searching will make you a better person, husband, and someday, father.

Take Care.

Answer 10

Darlin'  you've already met your parents. Chances are you're sick and tired of them by now.

Agencies require counseling because choosing to contact birth parents is a very serious decision and one that people often reach in times or great stress or confusion.

If you take the time to examine your feelings and decision and ultimately move forward, understand that you are no likely to meet a birth father. I hope that it works well for you, but I would love to see you take some personal time to reflect and then complete the counseling before you think of proceeding.  

Answer 11

See this makes me mad - how dare adoption agencies try to make money off us for providing OUR own information about OUR own lives! as if they didn't make enough at the time of the 'transaction' grrrr!

You have every right to information about your own life.  David Gray is a Texas search expert.  Here's his site.  You should be able to find on your own, with the help of free search specialists who know the ropes, without having to pay any more $$$ to the adoption industry for something that is yours to begin with.

Best of luck to you.  Most of the other answerers have given great resources - use them and go down every avenue, sometimes twice or more, until you uncover the truth of your origins.  

http://wwr.adoptionsearching.com/search....

Answer 12

That's weird. I was adopted in a closed adoption and was not charged a fee for the information. They even arranged the meeting at their facility so that if it wasn't cool, we didn't give out any personal info, and if it was, we could go from there on our own. In my case it was and we went out for a burger after at a cool restaurant, LOL.

If the fee is not a huge deal (and if it is more than $50 they are out of line. If anything it should be about $20 -- the cost of having someone dig out the record and make a copy of the information. But it should be nothing. That should have been part of what was paid to the agency in the first place.)

Anyway, if the fee itself is not a huge deal, you could go to a sliding-fee-counseling place for a couple of sessions and have the counselor make a paper that says "Brett attended counseling in my office, and my opinion is he is emotionally stable enough to meet his biological parents and is pursuing it for the right reasons. If you have any questions please call me."

That way you neither have to travel to Texas if you don't live there now, nor do you have to attend the number of sessions the agency thinks you need (and pay their prices.)

I honestly am appalled they are withholding this information they could so easily retrieve to make a buck. However, I think going through the agency is the most efficient way to get the information.

Best of luck to you.