I was emotionally abused as a kid, and now I find it nearly impossible to ask others for help?

Question

What I mean is, as a kid I had to constantly try to be the best because nothing I did was ever good enough. I was always on my toes trying not to get yelled at. For example, I had to do dinner dishes for 8 people every other night. It would take hours because my dad would check the dishes afterward and if any of them still had food on them I would be punished for a week.

So I learned to never show weaknesses or flaws. I present myself as well adjusted, smart, etc... But any time I accidentally s***w up at something (like trip over something, or give the wrong answer to an intellectual question) I feel horrible. And even years later those little embarrassments come back to haunt my mind. There are embarrassing things that happened in my Teen years that still make me sick to my stomach 10 years later...

So anyway, I made a big mistake recently and it isn't something that I can sweep under the rug like usual. It's something that I have to ask someone for help. I have to admit that I totally screwed up and that I stupidly did the wrong thing. It shouldn't be a big deal because it is easy to fix once I ask for help, but I find myself in a complete panic.

I've put off asking for help on this issue for months and months, and recently got close to asking but the person was busy. I'm so angry at myself because I was a complete wreck and I hadn't even said anything to him yet.

The point of all this is: Am I always going to be broken like this?

Answer 1

No, medication will not help. Like you said this is something you can't just sweep away. It will only calm you down to forget for a while but then it will come crashing on you when it wears off. This is something that should not be kept to yourself. You should tell the police, but if that is too much for you, then contact your parents over phone or email(this will make this easier for you as you won't have to face them) and tell them how you felt about being abused and that you will do all it takes to make sure everyone knows what they have done. Report to the police as soon as possible when you feel you can do it.

Answer 2

I had a similar experience growing up (though not nearly as bad).  Nothing I ever did was good enough.  I held a lot in, and in my early 20's I became resentful, angry and bitter - yet still maintained my perfect persona of happy togetherness.

In my mid-20's, I became really depressed.  It was like I had split personalities (I did not.)  But I felt I was hiding a lot of myself in the quest to maintain perfection.  And of course, it all came shattering down.

Maybe it would help to talk to someone.  Get some therapy (find a really good psychoanalyst).  It helps a lot to work through your childhood issues.  At the same time, resist being a victim.  You are in charge of your life now.  Make choices for yourself.  If they are the wrong choices, stand up, take ownership, learn from it and move on.

I don't think drugs would help.  It doesn't sound as if you are clinically depressed, but reacting from your upbringing and environment.  No amount of drugs will fix that.  You should just do some serious self-discovery and find a place where you are happy.  Journaling could most definitely help (it helps me).  

It sounds as if you are on your way to healing.  You are self-aware and know what the problem is and what needs to be done.  You are just working on the strength and courage to follow through with it.  And that takes time.  When you see the positive results of following through, you will gain more confidence.  Good luck!

Answer 3

Well...read your question and answer the question yourself. Obviously if you're beating yourself up over it, then part of you knows you need to ask for help. Secondly, it's obvious you yourself believe you need to ask for help. Third, and most importantly, if the situation calls for you asking for help, then you're not really being the best...because someone who WAS the best would realize that, if they cannot solve the problem themselves, then asking for help is the only logical answer...and not asking for help is only making things worse.

Of course, no one can ever be 'the best'. You need therapy and medication. Your psychiatrist will likely prescribe medication that will ease your anxiety. Coupled with therapy, you should be OK in a few years.

Answer 4

breathe miss

i was the same way growing up in group though

but you have some deep psychology scars

you get over it some how for me i kept a journal

and then forced my self to ask others opinions

and then i started not thinking as much

because when u do  anxiety sets in

stop breathe and im sure the answer you seek will come to u