I was molested as a child so what effects is it going to have on me now?

Question

when i was 4 years old i was molested not raped by my grandpa. i wasn't raped because i wasn't penetrated he would only touch my parts. My grandpa is from my dad's side of the family. My parents found out and they just told me to stay away from my grandpa but they didn't talk to my grandpa. My mom always tried telling me that that never happened but it did because when i reached puberty i had flashbacks and i heard my parents were talking in private and i knew that that really did happen. I never had a boyfriend but i have many guy friends and i do want to have a boyfriend but i feel extremely weird about kissing with the guy that i like. is that a result of the molestation or is it normal for a girl that has never had a boyfriend to feel like this??i wasn't penetrated only touch so am i considered a virgen???

btw im very religious and i decided to forgive my grandpa and i haven't seen him in 7 years so im not sure if i need psychological help because i don't feel hatred no more.

Answer 1

your uneasyness about bieng close to other boys is not likely related to your molestation, which as it sounds, was initialy blocked from your memory if it came to you in flashback. you need to figure out why you're uncomfortable w/men.

and yes you are still completely virgin=)

Answer 2

It's the fact of never having a boyfriend that makes you

afraid of your 1st kiss.  There are more Grandpa's like yours

than people care to talk about~believe me I know!

Don't dwell on something that happed so long ago

and when you do meet someone special you will

know!  Good Luck

Answer 3

Ok Im not gonna make points about what you can or cant do about them.

Right whether it happened or not - doesnt mattter. Its real for you. As in now, each time you have a flash back and each moment as you form your ideas and concepts - its real. So that is something that has to be accepted and worked with.

Next - is it is going to have a big effect. And its going to have some key areas in life that it will effect your perceptions of and reactions to. Sit down and work those out for yourself - some are obvious others may not be and would be unique ot you and your situation possibly. One is your view of how people in loving familys act with taboo subjects.

Now that you know that and your prepared for this having a major effect on you - and your working this and working out for yourself a sense of it all - you now have a choice - what sort of effect on your views do you want it to have? Defensive may be apart of it, or even positive or both ... there are many ways - take your time. Arrive at your own conclusions. Don't fear acknowledging your feelings but don't fear letting them go either as you no longer live back there.

--And yup girls/guys can feel like that if they never done it before. Its not unusual. You may not feel hate anymore, on the other hand you may not know if you do if you spent that long feeling that way you dont notice it anymore - doesnt mean you stopped feeling that way.

Answer 4

Sounds like to me, if he didn't have intercourse, than you are still a virgin. If he only touched you, then you are still a virgin. But, still, the fact that he molestated you was wrong and it brings back bad memories when you are trying to have a normal boyfriend/teenage life. I remember my first kiss, and I was nervous but everyone is nervous for their first time. It's good to forgive. God wants us to forgive. He doesn't want us to hate. I'm glad that you did that. But, they only lied to you to protect you. They wanted you to live a normal life up until you found out he did that to you. And now you know, there's nothing you can do but forgive the past and i bet your grandfather feels horrible.

Answer 5

Well, first of all let me say how sorry I am for what you have gone through...That is a terrible thing...I honestly think that the reason that your parents didn't want to talk to you about it was that they most likely were hoping that you would just forget or not remember that. You were so young when that happened... I am not saying that is was acceptable the way they handled it, but, they were probably trying to protect you from anymore pain and anxiety about the whole ordeal...And, they probably were just hoping that by not talking about it, maybe you wouldn't suffer any ill effects from it...It is a very sad thing when a trusted or supposedly trusted adult treats a young innocent child in such a manner...It truly is heartbreaking...I am so glad that you were able to come to the place that you could forgive your grandfather...That doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt that he took advantage of you...It does mean though that a healing is taking place for you, inside of your heart...Forgiveness is a healing and something that is just as much for you...(maybe more)......as well as the person you are forgiving....Good for you...And, as far as affecting you, one never knows for sure if it will affect you or not...Hopefully you will feel that you can confide in your boyfriend or significant other before you get very serious...I think that way he will be able to help you get through any fears or reservations that you have about getting close to him.......Good luck to you sweetie....I wish you happiness and much joy in your young life....!!!!   (((((((HUGS))))))))....Linda

Answer 6

Young children are guided by their intuition.  During the early years, a child learns from his environment how he/she is supposed to act in given situations and how those situations relate to him/her.  Some things are beyond the grasp of kids.  

For instance, you might explain to a  child that mommy has to be hospitalized and that he/she will stay with your friend Jane Doe.  You tell the child that you will home soon and that Jane will bring them home as soon as she can.  But the minute you're gone, all they know is that you are gone.  You're not there.  You left them.  You're not coming back!  Why did you leave them!  Since they can't "understand" what is going on they internalize it.  By internalizing, I mean that the child now develops a (reaction) mistrust of people because they had always assumed mom would be there and she's gone. Mom can't be counted on.  She left.  

But it was a very benign separation!  Mom got her best friend to care for the child while she was gone and by mom going to the hospital she has assured that she will remain healthy and be able to take care of the child.  

Unfortunately, the child has learned to replace trust with mistrust and will grow up not understanding why.  Their mistrust will just be another "trait" that they believe came along with their birth.  In actuality, it was a learned trait; and a negative one at that.

So what I'm saying to you is that what grandpa did to you DID have an affect on you whether you recognize it or not.  There is something that changed in you.  It's inevitable.  Hopefully it was a change that will make you a better person.

Your parents were very wrong in their handling of the situation.  You know that.  You know what happened and why.  Understand it as best you can and then put it away in a little place in your mind where you can visit it if you must, but where it will stay.

Forgive those involved and get on with your life.  You have an exciting future ahead of you.  Leave the baggage behind.

Answer 7

Well girl i hope your thankful it only went as far as it did. Forgiveness is the best thing you could have done. Your parents were wise to treat it like it never happen (which was a gamble) but since you KNOW it has. then pretending will no longer do the job. Since it was only fondling (with no physical scares.) (And the lack of physical scares is why your folks tied to bury it.) I can't give you you direct advise since i involved in rape. but this advise is true to rape victims so i will tell you as well.

Let it go. Do not think backwards only forwards. we can only learn from yesterday we can can't change it. Phil 4:8 tells us to think on positive things.  Verse 13 tells us we can do all things through Christ who will give us the strength. If you do get to feeling sorry for yourself (which may happen) try listing to Joyce Myer ministries. She was molested by here dad.

And personally i think it is the devil that is hammering you with these memories. He ws there when the evil took place, so he remembers it. And he can hammer your mind with it years later to use it as a stumbling block for you. to try and get you wrapped up in that event (the past) so you loose hope in your future (which is with Christ if you don't choose to throw Christ away)

See you in heaven, sister