I was not invited to Future Daughter-in-Law's bridal shower-mad as h**l at this?

Question

I found out today that neither I, my mother and daughter were invited to my FDIL's bridal shower. My son said it was because there were "issues" & "hurt feelings" between me & his fiancee. The issues stem from the fact that I have a deep instinctual feeling that this girl isn't right for my son. Where my son is warm & outgoing, she is aloof & withdrawn. She never wants to attend our family events . At Xmas, I & my whole family tried to get to know FDIL, but she made it clear she missed her family & wanted to be with them. All of Xmas day, she talked to & texted her folks. Because of her aloofness, my son has become withdrawn from our family. I offered her my grandmother's wedding veil & she declined, saying she only wanted to use things from her family in the wedding. She's turned down every single invite from me or my family to get to know her. When I visit, she's always too busy to sit and chat. My son told me there will only be one shower. I am thisclose to telling off the brat

Answer 1

My son is dating a girl who is aloof, while I am outgoing, so I understand how you feel...but I've got to tell you as one mom to another, you've got to change your approach unless you want things to get even worse.  

Your son is going to marry this woman, and apparently, although you haven't said so to her face, she realizes you don't approve.  I'm guessing it's your body language and the way you speak to her.  So, not surprisingly, she does not want to be around you.  Tell her off, and you'll only solidify this feeling, possibly to the point where you won't get invited to the wedding, either.

So your job is to suck it up and be nice to this girl no matter what.  The shower...let it go.  Just let it go.  

And who knows, if you back off, you may actually end up liking her better than you do today.  (My son's gf is actually starting to grow on me.)

Answer 2

To be honest, YOU have set the tone for this relationship and I can not blame the girl.  

You said you have feelings that the girl isn't right for your son.  She and your son have picked up on that (or  maybe you even told one or both of them?).    

If my in-laws had made that comment, I would feel the same way this girl feels:  I would not want to be around you as you have already made it clear that you do not want me in your family.  

Your son didn't become withdrawn because of her; he became withdrawn because you have already decided that you didn't like his bride.

I can not blame this girl for not wanting you at the shower.  She wants to have a nice time with people who love her; you have made it clear that you do not approve of her.

If I were your son, I would be 'thisclose to telling off my family"

As for the veil: Stop being petty.  It's her gown, her day.  If she doesn't want to wear it, she doesn't want to. It doesn't mean she is rude.  I woudn't want to wear my own mom's veil.  BEsides, the way you have treated her, she may be afraid of damaging it.

She sounds like the opposite of your son and opposites often make the strongest partners in marriage.

Answer 3

I think you need to take a step back and look at the situation. This is in no way the FDIL's fault. If you say you have an "instinctual feeling," that means you have paved the way for a difficult relationship with her.

I know a lot of people who are aloof, withdrawn and close to their families. That does not make them bad people. It looks as though you are very judgmental of an individual you do not know well enough. If you had taken the time to really understand her, you would know why she is aloof and withdrawn.

In all honesty this is the real issue, why are you NOT throwing a shower for her. That is the appropriate etiquette. I am currently the MOH for my BF. I did not want to invite the future-in-laws to the shower I was throwing, I do not know them nor do they know me. However, because they didn't have enough people to invite, we decided to merge the showers. It doesn't sound like you even attempted to have your own shower. If I were the FDIL's mother or MOH, I would not have requested your presence either.

Answer 4

First of all, your son sees a side of this girl you don't.  She could be the warmest most wonderful woman to him, but is the kind of person that only shows it certain times.

Secondly, I miss my first CHristmas ever this past year to be with my fiances family and although i was trying to have fun, i was very upset because in the 27 years i've been alive that was the FIRST time ever i had missed a family christmas, did you think of that? she sounds like a VERY family oriented person.

Third, she is the bride, the bride is not your daughter, so if she wants to wear something from HER family, you should be an adult and respect the fact that thats what SHE wants... SHE IS THE BRIDE!

Honestly what it sounds like to me is you're no longer the main woman of his life, and you don't approve of this girl so you've been giving her (whether you meant to or not) an unhappy vibe.  

You need to step back and support your son in his decision that he made the right choice and hope to God your wrong about the girl.

She just sounds shy to me, and very scared of how much you already hate her.

You need to stop thinking this is about you and just sit your son down and tell him your sorry for acting the way you have and you hope through anything and everything that he is happy.

Don't be the terrible mother-in-law.

Answer 5

Did it every occur to you that your future daughter in law already has a family to whom she is obviously close to?  Just because she wanted to spend Christmas with her family and would like to be connected to her family traditions at her wedding does not mean she is "aloof and withdrawn."  Your "deep instinctual feeling" that this girl isn't right for you son is obviously not as hidden as you seem to think.  If you truly feel this way, you are not actually trying to get to know your future daughter in law.  Your son is in love with this girl and whether you like it or not, he is going to marry her.  Bridal showers are a gift from the bride's friends and family.  Usually it is thrown by a bridesmaid, so this isn't even the bride's fault.  Maybe try not to take over this girl's life and family and she will be more happy to welcome you as a part of the family she is forming with her new husband.

Answer 6

What type of shower is it? A naughty one?

If her mother or older female relatives are going to attend then you have every right to be mad.  As far as her refusing to do any pre-wedding things with you...that is just wrong.

I can understand the aloof part, and wanting to be with her family during the holidays. I am the same way, but I try to be social with my in-laws. We are 2 different types of families.

Did you by chance tell her that she is not right for your son? If so then you need to apologize or look forward to a life long battle with this women. She will always resent you for that.

Answer 7

I don't think she's a brat because of this...  Just because she's withdrawn and aloof, doesn't mean she's wrong for your son.  She's more than likely a completely different person when she's around him.  I'm guessing she can also sense your hostility when she's around you, probably leading to her not wanting to talk to you.  Christmas, by the way, would be a natural time for her to miss her family.  If your son had spent Christmas with her family, wouldn't you have wanted him to call you and miss you?  I'm just saying, maybe you should think about your son's feeling for her instead of your feelings for her.  Your son could be withdrawing because he feels torn between you hating his fiance and his fiance not wanting to be around you because of your hostile aura.

Just a thought.

Answer 8

To tell you bluntly: Telling her off, will cause you to be uninvited to the wedding.

Whether or not you like this or will appreciate it, your son will marry who he wants and even if she's aloof, you as an elder need to be the bigger person and have her feel like you are now her family as well.

She's probably more shy and wants her family and she needs to understand that she's gaining more family. However by causing tension you will reaffirm her fears and he will continue on defending her.

As for the bridal shower, I can understand where she's coming from and considering you don't even like her, I can't understand why you care. This is probably more of a hurt ego issue. If she knows you disapprove of her, she'll keep her distance and that'll just get worse over time. Break the cycle and make peace.

All the best.

EDIT: It's not what we share verbally but our body language and treatment of others that will give the impressions. Invite them both to your house and have a civilized conversation with her.

She will be your daughter-inlaw but never forget that she is not and will not be your daughter. A certain level of respect must be kept between you two, whereas with a daughter you could be rude and she may still feel obliged to invite you etc.

Be humble, civil and mature. Don't do anything out of show or ego.  Do it for your son, your new daughter-in-law and their family to be.

Answer 9

wow that is really rude of her. i mean i do miss my family at christmas when i go to my future hubby's side but when people try to get to know me i am nice about it. at least you are trying my future sis in law didn't even ask to see my ring when we got engaged and only said congrats to him not me. i would definitly talkt o your son and tell him you are very hurt that he is not spending time with your family anymore and that you are not included in the shower. he will definityl regret it one day.

Answer 10

The whole purpose of a bridal shower is to celebrate the brides engagement. Its supposed to be a fun atmosphere where people wish her luck and gives words of advice.

You on the other hand, DONT even support their marriage. You said "this girl isnt right for my son". So then your surprised why she didnt invite you?!! I wouldnt have invited you either. You'd probably be sitting there with a sour look on your face the whole time.

She wanted to celebrate with people who support her marriage.

Dont be one of those meddling mother-in-laws! YOUR SON IS A GROWN MAN CAPABLE OF MAKING HIS OWN DECISIONS.

HE LOVES HER, BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

Answer 11

Well, since you are not supportive of them, it's better that you were not at the shower, since that's a happy occasion for her.

Your son is hopefully an adult and is making his own mature choices. All you can do is talk with him and see where his head is at - and that some sort of amelioration can be reached so you can comfortably attend the wedding.

I'm curious to know how long they have been dating, and how old each of them is....

Answer 12

If she thinks you believe the two of them shouldn't get married, then I don't blame her for not inviting you!

I would only want people at my shower that support the union!

If your son wasn't happy, he wouldn't be with her. So obviously although maybe she doesn't act the greatest around you, doesn't mean she isn't a completely different person around him, which, to him, is what matters.

Be happy for him because if you don't have a decent relationship with her, you'll lose the relationship with your son too.  Apologize for any wrongdoings and try to mend it before it's too late.

Answer 13

Do you know that the bride made the guest list.  I mean perhaps it was one of her bridesmaids that organized it that didn't invite you.  Sometimes that is just the way it works out.  I threw my bestest friend a shower this past weekend (she will be getting married Saturday) and I invited only her closest girlfriends and closest female family members.  Noone from the groomside was invited.   Yes this day is a celebration for the bride, but I paid....I decided how many people the guest list consisted of.  Perhaps you should throw her a second shower if you would like the female members of your family to be included.

Answer 14

She certainly isn't going about this very well. What kind of way is this to join a family? My cousin barely ever comes around and never attends family parties because of his other half--it really upsets my aunt and their family, but what can you really do? I'm sorry.

Answer 15

Well since you dont approve if she is aware of this then I can see her not wanting her there or whoever planned the party not inviting you so she would be more comfortable

but hurt feelings or not it was not correct!

One last chance, offer to thow her a small shower for those who were unable to attend the first.  Tell her you want to spend more time with her since shes going to be your daughter in law!  If she declines then you ask why!

As for the veil, it was a lovely offer, but she may had had soemthing in mind.  she sound more shy and doesnt know what to say properly mor then being rude.

Answer 16

Some of us are lucky to like our child's mate and some of us aren't.  I don't know why or how it happens, but it does.  And whether you think she's the one for him or not, it isn't your decision.

This is a very hurtful situation to you, but think hard before you act.  What good is it going to do to tell Miss Snot-head off?

The more you raise a stink the more you will lose your son.

One thing in your favor; your son has told you there are "hurt" feelings.  Now this is the r-e-a-l-l-y hard part, invite them over & TALK with them both, tell them how sorry you are for having hurt this young lady and that you hope you can make the relationship work.

I doubt that this will make her any different or better, but your son WILL see that YOU are trying.  He might wake up & he might not.

Answer 17

quite honestly, i think you need to sit down with your son and tell him why you feel she is not the one for him. it's his decision. if he goes ahead and marries her anyway, i'd have a sit down with both of them and hash out what everyone's expectations are upfront (holidays, family visits, etc.) so you don't have decades of hate and hurt; especially after the grandkids come...

good luck!

Answer 18

You've gotten a lot of good advice (especially send her a nice note and try to make up) and I didn't read all the answers, but it's NEVER appropriate for a family member to host a shower.

Answer 19

OK, I really don't get along with my FMIL, however I am always cordial, respectful and yes, sometimes aloof as well. My position in that is because I have nothing in common with his mom and the only thing we do-is our mutual love for her son. I would honestly say don't take it so personally, the chick probably just feels uncomfortable around your family and maybe it's just because she's not use to a different family environment. Maybe you have a personality that she's not accustomed too? Maybe she's really shy or insecure? Maybe she's really nervous that she'll mess things up with you & your family and just 'plays dumb'

And inspite of the fact that you obvioulsy love your son dearly, you say she may not be the right woman for him, but he's the only one that can figure that out for himself. Sometimes people just need to learn the hard way.

Answer 20

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this situation.  Personally, I would make one last effort to connect with this young lady and offer to have a little "bridal shower" including some members of your family that have been invited to the wedding.  If she declines this gracious offer, then I would simply try to continue support your son because the marriage will probably not last and he'll need your support to pick up the pieces of his life.

I know a family who is going through this exact problem at the moment.  In a matter of months, the marriage started failing and the son moved back home with his parents.  We are just waiting for the final word on their divorce.  It's sad, but honestly the young man deserved a much nicer gal and I'm hopeful that his next relationship will be better.

Best wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited to add:  You tried and she refused, so honestly there is very little you can do at this point.  Just try to be nice to the young lady and see what happens.  Support your son emotionally and perhaps things will change.  

I would still issue dinner invitations and take the high road.  Be the better person and maybe your future daughter-in-law will come around.  However, if she is anything like the girl that we know, it's going to be a long and difficult journey.

Good luck to you and your family!!

Answer 21

Holy cow, talking about a slap in the face.

Well, it seems to me for what you wrote that you have been openly against their relationship and wedding. If you have posed such opossition, then why should she invite you to her shower? I'm certainly do not condone her rude behaviour, but it seems to me that she has reasons to exclude you.

Good luck

PS/ Lauren (below) gave you very sensible advice. I hope that you would see the other side of the situation. Best wishes

EDIT TO ADD: After one wedding event, that is more than plenty. Also, you will be the one hosting the Reheasal Dinner, right? (RIGHT???) so go all the way, celebrate and show some hapiness!!! It will do you some good to rent "monster in law" in the video store. In this movie, the FMIL pretended to be nice, but hated the girl to the core! and even though she was nice to her face, she picked up on her oposition to the wedding. Watch the movie and change strategies dear asker. Women are very intuitive and can tell when someone is not welcomed. Ask youself if you have done something to offend her and make ammends if necesary.

Answer 22

First of all, why are you surprised that  you weren't invited? You had to have known that there were ill feelings between the two of you before today. You should try and talk to her without being confrontational and calling her names. If you don't like her, get over it. You're not the one marrying her. It's your son's choice and all you can do is accept it.

After reading what you've added to your question, it's no wonder she doesn't want to be around you. Stop trying to be the center of attention. This is about your son and his future wife. Don't be so selfish.

Answer 23

Maybe you have never voiced your opinion but I bet that your body language has spoken for you.

Answer 24

While I think your hurt feelings are justified, "telling her off" will serve no good purpose, as I suspect you know.  It will only drive your son further from you and your family.

I really don't think there is a way to undo the situation, especially if you shared with her and/or your son and others your feeling that the FDIL is not right for your son.  As hard as it is, your son is an adult and he gets to make his own choices.  We don't want our kids to make bad decisions, but what can you do?  All you can do is continue to keep your door open and if it should all fail, be there for your son.  If you force your son to choose, he'll choose her.  They always do, even if it turns bad later.

I am sorry that you are not getting to enjoy participating more in your son's nuptials.  The only semi-catty thing I will say is that if you are not invited, you don't need to provide them with a gift.  That would speak volumes to me if I were the FDIL.

Take care.

Answer 25

Clearly you are letting this cause a huge rift between you and your son. The girl obviously isn't stupid she knows you don't care for her and she probably only wants people there that care for her and support her, you can't really blame her for that. You can blame her and yourself for not establishing a good relationship in the first place. But if you have any chance of salvaging a person who is MARRYING your son, you should probably let this one go. Try not to let her get to you so much and be the better person. Try and accept the fact she is marrying your son, whether you think they should or not and build a relationship with her, because if she isn't even inviting you to the wedding shower to save face, it's only going to get worse once there are grand kids etc, I would take the high road like she should have done and invited her fiance's family, but be the better person and try to start building a better relationship now, take it as a warning for what it going to happen once they get married. Good luck!

Answer 26

Before you get kicked out of being invited to wedding

COOL IT!

Answer 27

Neither the Bride's Mother NOR the Groom's Mother should host (organize, plan, sponsor or pay for) a wedding or bridal shower, matter-of-fact NO immediate family member (parent or siblings) should host a shower.  It is a form of solicitation and inappropriate.

Why would you want to give a bridal shower to someone who clearly does not want to associate with you?  And even if you did host a shower for her, NOTHING would be right.  Not the food . .  nor the gifts given . . nor the guest list.  Take the money that you were going to spend on a bridal shower and buy yourself a new dress . . a new pair of shoes . .  or some nice jewelry.  Your future daughter in law is NEVER going to appreciate what you are trying to do for her so accept it and move on.

True story . . a Bride did not like her future in-laws so she made sure they were not invited to any of the pre-wedding activities.  So the day of the wedding the Groom's parents showed up in a Rolls Royce limousine, very well dressed.

Their gift to the Bride and Groom was a beat-up, wrinkled $5 bill with a handwritten note . . Thanks for inviting us to all of the parties and activites.  Mom and Dad

Answered by:  A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 28

Well, it's obvious you don't like her, and she is not so fond of you, so no wonder she didn't invite you. It was not a very mature thing to do, but it's not a surprise. I don't know what your question is though?

Answer 29

It sounds like your “FDIL” is not the only one with the issues. Plus, we are only hearing one side. There are always two sides to the story.  

Remember, your son is marrying this woman whether you like it or not and whether you think it is wrong or right. He will probably continue to take her side in this if he really loves her and doesn't believe that she is being treated like she should by family. If you "tell off this brat" you may just distance yourself even further from your son.

Answer 30

She probably is aware that you don't approve of her so she is staying away, BUT your being the bigger person by trying to get to get to know her so its a shame she is acting like that. I think that you should sit her down, and instead of telling her off, talk to her about how you feel, be honest but not harsh.

Answer 31

I agree that it's a pretty horrible thing, but it's also not your place to decide who is or is not right for your son. They will get married no matter what you think or do and you have to understand that now. Yes, she does sound withdrawn, but her not getting close to you sounds more like she's shy and is not used to being away from her family. It's really no excuse, but getting married and being part of another family can be a very scary thing. And with the veil, don't be mad at her for that. She may have not liked it and didn't want to say exactly that. It is her wedding day and it's her decision of what to wear.

If anything, I would consider writing her a short note. Apologize for any miscommunications there have been and that you only want to welcome her into your family. If you don't try your best to fix this now it may tear you apart from your son. Don't wait for her to do it or think that she should. You may be right, but you'll be the better person for setting aside your differences.