I was raised as a an only child but I have recently met my birth sister that was adopted at birth?

Question

I knew about the child that my mom had placed for adoption two years before I was born. I always wondered about her and now after my mom (her birth mother) made contact she is now in contact with me, which I love. I hope we can form a great relationship I feel it has started out good. Her and I have emailed back and forth and one of the questions I asked her was what do I refer to my mm when referring to her. I know this is her birth mother however I am very aware she already has a mom that is her own that she was raised by. She told me not to feel like I have to change my wording for her sake, when she talks about her birth mother (my mother) when talking to me she says "our mother" which is fine, I just keep wondering if that is how she wants me to call her, "our mother" I am fine with it however, if I just say my mother i feel like I am excluding her when it is mainly just habit. What is the best way to refer to my mother her birth mother without stepping on anyones toes

Answer 1

I was adopted and have two natural half-siblings.  We have the same natural mother, and we just reunited a couple of months ago.  None of us was raised by our natural mother or by our natural fathers.  My sister and I both refer to her as "our mother."  (My brother is still angry with our mother, so he says he can't face me at this time, as I remind him of her.)

Personally I call both sets of parents my mom and dad, which, as someone else said, can be confusing in conversation.  So, I have to try to remember to specify.  Sometimes people forget that if adopted persons have loving relationships with both sets of parents, there is more than enough love to go around, and that we are more than aware of the differences in the relationships.  No need for anyone to feel threatened by what terms we use.

Anyway, as long as she says she is cool with "our mother" then you are respecting her as a person, which is the way it should be.  If you're still unsure, then you can always just ask her again, for clarity's sake, what would specifically make her most comfortable.

Answer 2

My birth sisters and I simply call our birth mother "mom". I had another mother that raised me. (she has since passed away) When I was talking to my birth sisters about her I refered to her as my adoptive mom.

What is confusing is when I talk to my friends and say something about "my mom". Sometimes they have to ask which one I am talking about LOL

Congrats on your new found sister. I know that finding my birth mother and birth sisters was a great thing for me. I enjoy having siblings as I was raised an only child and I enjoy knowing my birth mother after so many years of wondering about her.

Answer 3

As long as she is comfortable with you saying "our mother" then i would keep saying it. I personally called my birth mother by her first name, while my brother and sister called her mom. So, it's up to her. But like i said if she is okay with you saying "our mother'. i wouldn't worry about. Just concreate on your relationship with her. I'm very happy for the both of you.

Answer 4

You two share the same mother. You are sisters. Simple.

Like your sister, I also have two mothers. Use the pronoun "our" when speaking to your sister about your mom

Drop the "birth"mother term. Many kind of find it offensive. Like everyone else, I was born to my mother. Unlike most everyone else, she was not able to parent me, and I was raised by adoptive parents.

Birthmother is a term coined by people who profit on child trading to attempt to reduce a mother's signifigance to an act of birth. It's an attempt to diminish the power of that relationship. It is a weird, gross term. Here's an article about why many find it an unkind term:

Answer 5

Just say "our mother".  If she's already said she's fine with it, then don't worry!

Answer 6

I think she's already answered your question by referring to your mom as "our mother".  After all she IS the mom of both of you. I said this already in another answer today...it's OK to have two moms in adoption.

I'm glad the two of you are now in contact.

Answer 7

i was in a similar situation, i was in 6th grade when i met my brother and sister who my father had let someone else adopt when they were little... i always referred to him as my dad because they wanted nothing to do with him and they had their own dad who raised them, ... but since your mom is now in your sisters life too, just let your sister know that if you refer to her as being your mom its not to disclude your sister, but because you were raised as an only child, and old habbits are hard to break.

Answer 8

Just say mom or our mother..

Answer 9

I think you should stick to "our Mother"

since you guys already agree on that..

She did said it's okay to call her that...

Answer 10

As an adoptee, I'm on the other side of this question.  Just the fact that you've asked your sister shows your concern.  And from her answer, it looks like the two of you are off to a great beginning as you navigate this new journey together.  

I met my birth mother in 1983 and birth father in 1986.  I apologize to my fellow adoptee's who don't like the term "birth parent".  Back then, "birth parents" or "biological parents" were the accepted terms.  We didn't like the term "natural", or "real", which implied the other parents were "unnatural" or  "unreal".  

When talking to my sisters (1/2 sisters on my birth fathers side), I refer to my birth father by his first name.  Or occasionally as "your dad".  

When I speak to sisters or brother on my birth mother's side, I call her "mom" or refer to her by her first name.  

One sister (dad's side) has a different mom. Her mom introduces me as her "step daughter", and sometimes as her "other daughter".  Her nickname is "Em", and that is what I call her.  

It can get down right confusing to friends and family alike when talking about "my 3 families".  I am the oldest (b-dad), middle (b-mom) and youngest (a-fam) child in my families.  I am one of 10 children, when added all together.  

My dad is just my dad (my adopted dad).  I was a daddy's girl.  He passed away 10 & 1/2 years ago. : (    Sometimes I'll say "my dad" when talking to my (adopted) brother and sister - who were also his.  Oops*  

I refer to my a-mom as "the wicked step mother" (for good reason).  I have not had a relationship with her since my (a) dad died.  I refer to her by her first name or as "your mom" when talking to my (adopted) brother & sister.  She is their bio-mom.  And regardless of all the seeming confusion, I am just their sister.

There are so many answers to this question.  Many of them pretty creative.  So, find your own path.  You two will work it out.  

Congrats on finding each other!

Answer 11

My birthdaughter calls me by my first name. This is fine with me as I gave up the right to be called her mom. Let her make the decision.

Answer 12

My situation is almost identical but the roles are reversed. I am the adoptee and my sister, 18 months younger, was raised by our mother. She still slips up and says "my mom" once in a while but mostly we both just say "mom". Mind you my reunion is not the typical. I call my n-mom Mom and am as close with her and my sister as I would have been had she raised me. Use whatever term you both feel comfortable with. After almost 9 years on this reunion rollercoaster I can tell you that after a while you will both find a term, or terms, that makes you happy and comfy. Congrats on the reunion btw and enjoy having a sis. Mine is my very closest and best friend!

Answer 13

This just happened to me recently--actually meeting my sister for the first time today!  :)  I have either referred to her as "our mother" or by her first name.  I have never called her "mom" so it's no biggie for me.  I still say "my" mother on occasion, but I am tryng to work in "our" more often...I was looking for her as she was looking for me, so I am tickled as she is we found each other...now we have to get "our" mother on board...they have talked on the phone, but she is not ready for the face-to-face...

Answer 14

Funny, I'm on the other side of your situation - an adoptee who's just recently met most of my birthfamily.

You should go with what you are comfortable with.  I think your half-sister is using the term "our mother" because that might be what she is most comfortable with.  Therefore, if you're more comfortable calling her "my mom", do that.  At least you were thoughtful enough to ask what she wanted.

Answer 15

If you talk about yourself - just say 'mom' - not 'my mom'.

Otherwise - use 'our mom/mother'.

I think what is most important thing is that you have asked her about her thoughts - and that shows that you care a great deal about not hurting her. As an adoptee - that would mean a HEAP to me.

Being open and honest - and no bullsh*t - is the best path forward in these situations - I think.

Trying to make up for all those lost years can be very tricky - I'm still fumbling through myself - as my reunion is very much in it's infancy.

Good on you for thinking deeply about these things - your sister is very lucky.

All the best.

Answer 16

As she's already stated, its not a big deal.  But, if you're really concerned about treading on her toes, you could always refer to your mother by her first name.  Or, you two could make up little names between the two of you- if her adopted mother is named Diane and her real mother is named Sue, then you could have "Mama Di" and "Mama Sue".

Good luck!