I was rape at 14 and i got pregnant. i had to give my son up for adoption by force. now that i am 24 i would?

Question

like to meet him and to know hes ok but due to my mother i have no idea wheres my son at is there anyway i can look for him all i know is that the adoption agency name was bethany christian services(i think) do any one have any advice. I don't want to interfere with his live i just want a picture to remember him by since i never seen him before. dont you think i at least deserve that

Answer 1

Unfortunately he is not of legal age for you to contact him.  I would recommend finding and contacting the agency that you placed him through and requesting that a consent to contact be put in  the file.  You can also write a letter to him in case he or his adoptive parents request any information.  Each states laws are different regarding legal age.  Some are 18 but other are as high as 25.  Contact the agency or state and they can give you direction on what you can do at this point

Good luck

Answer 2

I am very sorry what happned to u and that u had to give up ur son for adoption. let me give u some websites and see if they help u find ur son:

www.omnitrace.com

www.Government-Records.com/birth

www.givenright.com

www.smarter.com

www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_adimpact.c...

www.counselingcorner.net/parents/adopt...

www.adopted-child.net

www.naturalchild.com/guest/marcy_axnes...

www.BabyZone.com

www.Gov-Resources.com

if not maybe consider calling talk shows ...they can find ur son i bet. but i hope these websites will help u.good luck

Answer 3

1. you deserve it

2. in my opinion, the kid deserves to know the truth too, maybe he should know who his real mom is?

im sorry for what u been through =(

Answer 4

do what your heart feels about it.

Answer 5

As a birthmother my heart goes out to you.  When the time comes you may have to accept the possibility that he has had a wonderful life and might not have any wish to get together with you.   You have to give him that option.  I know it's hard to hear at this point but you have to prepare yourself  for the possibility that he does not want contact.

Answer 6

I think that you deserve that. But i know that typically the agency may not help you until the child is 18 cause that makes it the childs decision what he wants to do.

Answer 7

i feel bad that this has happended to u!!!!!!!but look on the web for adotion stuff

Answer 8

I think you deserve that, but I have no other advice for you, sorry, but good luck.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through something like this, but why would you want to cause yourself more grief by having to explain to this kid why you gave him up in the first place?

Answer 10

THERE IS A SHOW CALLED "TO MY BIRTH MOTHER" MAYBE IF YOU CALL THE SHOW THEY CAN HELP YOU OR GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF WHAT TO DO.....I'LL GET THE NUMBER LATER AND E-MAIL IT TO YOU....

Answer 11

Consider this:  He may not know he was conceived through rape.  So what are you going to do?  Tell him, after his adoptive parents made a careful decision not to tell him, and therefore undermine his trust in them?

You made a loving and self-less decision for this child, out of a tremendously painful event.  Let the  negative association with this conception rest.  This child deserves to  be free of this news.

And if the adoptive parents did tell him about his conception, your pain, recalling the event, or just the pain in your face, may make him feel somehow partly responsible for your pain.  No one deserves that.

You were most courageous and loving when you made his adoption plan.  Leave it at that, and deal with your loss in a way that does not involve him.

Good luck to you!

Answer 12

WELL HE HAS A NEW FAMILY NOW AND YOU SHOULD NOT RUIN IT

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE GIVING HIM TO ADOPTION OR HAVING UNCONSEQUENT AND UNPROTECTED s*x AT 14

Answer 13

i trully feel close to you,keep it strong.first things first,nobody will give you any info.only the child himself can ask for records of his adoption etc,etc.but you can hire a private det. if you wish.he might get in to places you and i can not. i think you was too young to make a decision on your own,every person deserves the chance to redeem themselves.if you dont mind i will like to say,whomever force you to give up,was really trying to make it go away,and that never works.i guess you going through this alone but dont overwhelm yourself,time will probably give you the upper hand and you will see your child,it is not about deserving,its about answers, and everybody wants them sooner or later.good luck in your endeavor and bleesings many...

Answer 14

Go to

http://www.bethany.org

and find their mailing address.  Write a letter to Bethany explaining the circumstances and that you'd like to know that he's ok.  Ask them to contact the adoptive family for you, perhaps giving them a letter and/or picture to send to the family.  The family may be willing to send you a letter and/or picture of their son in return, but they might not, too.  It depends on the adoptive family and how comfortable they are with the prospect of sending it.

At the worst, though, you know that Bethany has your information and that when the child is 18 he can seek out out through Bethany if he desires.

There are also adoption registries online that you can go to and input your information.  The adoptive parents could go there to seek you out and when the child is old enough, he can go there to seek you out, too.

Answer 15

Wait until he is at least 18 then you can do a search for him. until then leave him alone.  that way he is old enuf to make his own decsions as to weather he wants you in his life. when you give up a child, no matter for what the reason, you gave up control of everything else unless you have a private adoption order and conditions, which it sounds like you do not have. he is too young to have you in his life right now. his parents may not have even told him that he's adopted. he will be confused and maybe hurt. please let him be for now, and do a search for him after he turns 18. I know it will be a while yet but it will be easier for everyone involved if you just wait.

Answer 16

Is your mother willing to give you any information at this time?  

Maybe she can give you the name of the agency or lawyer that handled your case.

Answer 17

omg , i feel so bad for you :( you poor thing , i think that you should do everything you can to find your baby , even if it is to just get a picture , like you said at least you will have a picture to remember him by , wow 14 is such a young age. i'm soo sorry!.. good luck!

Answer 18

There are a few things you can do:

Contact the adoption agency and ask if someone there can talk to you about what you can do.

Look online for sites where you can leave your name and information and "be found" if anyone starts to look for you.

Talk to an attorney.  There are attorneys who will talk to you for a half hour or so without charging you.  Ask what you can do now, whether you could request the adoptive mother send you a picture, etc.  Ask what rights a 14--year-old biological mother would have when it comes to all these things.  I'm under the impression that when a girl has a baby she is no longer a "minor child" and is, instead, emancipated.  If, by any chance, you had certain rights that were disregarded maybe an attorney could at least get you a picture of the child here or there in view of the situation.

My son is adopted.  When he turned 21 he was notified by a "reunion agency", who sent him a letter saying that his biological mother would like to at least meet him.  He had the option of either going or not.

Finally, in answer to your question about whether you deserve at least that:  Yes, I think you deserve it; but the more important question is whether or not its what would be best for  your biological son.  My son came from a rough start, but he never knew about it.  He was happy-go-lucky, only child for quite a while; and during one school evaluation he had the psychologist told me, "He has a wonderful view of the world."

That made me feel really good, and I thought of that as my gift to this child who got off to a rough start under awful circumstances.

Your son is probably too young to be able to meet you without having it throw him for a loop.  My son was actually a little too immature to meet the biological mother when he was 21.  It threw him for a loop for a while.  It opened a whole "can of worms" into his psyche that he wasn't really ready for.  

Another thing is you don't know for sure that seeing the child you had wouldn't throw you for a loop or open a whole new can of worms for you either.

I think its fair that you get to see some pictures of him, but I don't think its necessarily possible for you to meet him without interfering with his life.  Maybe you could see him some afternnoon and leave, never to return; but just meeting you - particularly since he isn't even grown up yet - will have some impact on him, and the natural course of events could be his wanting to know about his biological father too.  

On Associated Content (www.associated.content.com/lisahuntwarr... I wrote an article about some of the issues of "open adoption" (which, if you met the child) is essentially what his adoption would become.

You've got quite a thing to deal with, and if you haven't talked with a therapist about your wish to meet your child you really should do that.  I'm not suggesting there's something wrong with you at all.  Its just that I think a therapist could give you some guidance in what steps you should take now or later as far as your son goes.  You were essentially a child when all that went on, and it had to have some impact on your growth process, sense of self, etc.  It seems that you had decisions made for you at 14 and now need some kind of resolution.

My heart goes out to you, but as an adoptive mother I know what its like to know a child is living so innocently and happily in the world of his adoptive family and to hope that when he's older and does meet his biological family it won't change his whole view of himself.  Giving a child a happy home, two parents (one mother/one father at a time, just like everyone else has) and trying to give him childhood that is perfect is the gift an adoptive mother can give a child.

If she has the time to do that and to build her relationship and her child's self-esteem and sense of identity into something super strong and solid, then when the grown child meets his biological mother he has the stability and solidness to withstand the turmoil of meeting someone as meaningful as a biological mother.  If there's even a chance that his world could be too shaken if he meets you when he's not emotionally mature enough there's a chance his life could go off course, never to get back on track.

The awful thing about adoption and biological mothers (and even in some situations adoptive mothers) is that what is right for the child's wellbeing and what the mother deserves or what's right for her aren't always the same thing; and it always comes down to the adults needing to do what's right for the child.

So, even though you deserve to meet your child after all you've been through maybe that's not what's best for him right now.

I'm wondering, too, if maybe your wish for pictures is something that you should talk to a professional about because I'm wondering if there's even the chance that seeing pictures could throw you for too much of a loop right now.  I'm not saying it would - just wondering if its something you should be careful about for your own sake.

Best wishes.  Prayers go out to you.  You're still so young and still have the whole rest of your life ahead of you.  Hope something I've said offers something worth offering.

Answer 19

Do some research on the web.  Google Bethany, the hospital, adoption information, people who are looking for parents, children.  There's lots of resources on the web to give you a head start.  Good luck!

Answer 20

i looked up the adoption agency and here's there website:

http://www.bethany.org/

maybe you should try and look at there office locations.

and find one near you and either go there or call them to

find out how you can find your son.never give up hope.you'll

find him someday.

i hope this helps.

good luck with finding your son.

Answer 21

I know you're curious but contacting your son could be very detrimental to his emotional and psychological well being.  He would only be 10 at this point and that's too young to deal with this.  For HIS sake, leave it alone.  If you HAVE to find some answers, just go through Bethany but do not contact him.  They might be willing to at least assure you he went to a loving, wonderful home.  My brother and sister-in-law actually adopted through them.  They are a wonderful, christian agency.  I saw the profiles of other couples waiting to adopt.  They were ALL very nice couples who you could tell truly wanted to love a baby and give a baby a great home.  I have no doubt your son went to a loving home where he is being given everything he needs.  Try to put the past behind you and know that giving him up was the most loving thing you could've done.  By giving him up for adoption, he will now be able to have a life that perhaps you couldn't give him.

Answer 22

I am so sorry that this all has happened to you.  Relinquishing a child willingly is tough enough, but to have to do it under coerced circumstances is awful.

I have read some blogs of other birthmothers where they contacted the agency involved with the adoption and asked for a copy of their file.  If they comply, usually all identifying information is blacked out.

Also, there is the possibility of communication being filtered through the agency to the family raising your son.  Joslin is only partially correct, in that your loss and saddness shouldn't be placed on your son.  Seeking some counseling or a birthmother support group would be an awesome idea.  But that being said, I disagree with the rest of what she said because you did not choose this path.

Contact the agency.  Request your file, see if they have any thing that the family has sent (sometimes adoptive families send updates to the agency just in case you go asking) and ask for their address to send some pictures and a letter asking for pictures.

Good luck!

Answer 23

Contact the place you mentioned you think he was adopted through, you should be able to request non-identifying information about him, also if you are in Ontario you can contact the Toronto registry, if not then maybe do a search for the area you are in, you can place a call and ask if they can refer you to the proper place, I am speaking from experience, I am adopted and searched for my birth parents, it took over 7 years but she was found and I met her. Good luck! :)

Answer 24

I agree with the others who have said that you should contact the agency and let them know that you're willing to be found when your son decides to start looking and/or turns 18.

I'm not sure if you'd be able to contact him or receive a picture now, given his age.  Which I understand must be terribly frustrating for you, since you didn't freely choose adoption.  The best thing I can advise you right now is to have faith that his adoptive parents are providing him with a good life, and that someday you may have the opportunity to reach out to him.  Letting the adoption agency know that you're willing to be contacted should help to ensure that the two of you can be put in touch as soon as possible.

In the meantime, I also agree with those who suggested that you get counseling (if you haven't already) to help cope with your loss.  Also, a good counselor may be able to help you work through what you're going to say to him about the circumstances of his conception, once the two of you finally do reconnect.  While I do understand why some people are cautioning you against telling him that he's the product of a rape, you need to be prepared for how you're going to address the situation w/your son.  Certainly if he meets his birth mother, he will have questions about his birth father.  Whether you choose to tell him specifically about the rape or not, you'll need to give him a response of some sort if he does ask the big question.

So sorry you've had to go through all of this, and I hope that everything works out for you in the end.

Answer 25

i dont think you can see the child until he 16years , u could ring that agency and find out ,,, alot of adopted  parents have a vetto on the papers too ,[means no contact]

Answer 26

I am the product of rape.  I was also adopted.  I am a mother of 4 who has adopted 1 as well.  I do think that you at least deserve a picture if not MORE.  Legally for me, I had to wait til I was 21 yrs old to even LOOK for my birth mother.  She legally couldn't look for me.  I think that one day it would be wonderful for you to meet.  Just wait til he is old enough to be mature enough to deal with everything.  Its not interfering, you have every right to know.  Hire a private investigator or (I know it sounds corny) call a talk show for help. You will have to be creative if you have no leads.  

Make sure you get counseling before you  take that journey.  Deal with how your son came about first.  I will keep you in my prayers.  I am getting teary eyed because I can only imagine the pain you have and are going through.  I commend you with the courage to even ask for help. It takes a strong women.  Be determined, wait til the time is right, and DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

Answer 27

I am an adoptive mother and have always encouraged my children to reach out to their birth parent's.  Three of my children did so, and with two it was a great gift.  My son found out he was the product of rape.  His birth mother was also very young at the time in her early teens.  It was so difficult for him to hear this.  He has know this for over five years and it is still a burden for him.  My advise is let the boy come to you when he is of age,  and bond with him before you share this information.  Or better yet, never tell him of the rape.

Answer 28

go with your heart. I am so sorry to here that this happened to you if you really wanna see your child then get in touch with the adoption agency to see if they will allow it first then if they will give you a pic or even allow you to see the child from time to time hope this helps hun..good luck with everything

Answer 29

You can register with the agency as wanting to contact, then they will give the child your info when  he inquires.

I hope he doesn't know that his father is a rapist. That would be hard to live with.

Answer 30

go for it birthmomma i wish mine did that i had to go looking for her for the past 40 years and now i dont think i should have

Answer 31

contact your adoption agency and tell them what you told us and I am sure they will  help you out.