I was wondering, why people adopt?

Question

Okay,

Why do people adopt? Is it because they want to give a child a home that needs it. Or like a case I know of the adoptive parents adopted because they wanted to fill the void of a deceased child. In the case I know of the adoptive parents never felt that the adopted child was good enough. The were very verbally and emtionally abusive towards them. I read on hear that most adoptee and adoptive parents point the finger at the birth family as being abusive. But the adoptive families can be too. Maybe it's because the aren't adopting for the right reason. Adoption should be done by people who want to raise, love and provide for a child. Not get a child to replace a hole in their heart. So...why do people adopt?

Answer 1

People adopt for the same reasons that people give birth - because they want to be parents.

As to why some adoptive parents can be abusive, the truth is, there are good adoptive parents and bad adoptive parents - just like everyone else. Adopting doesn't necessarily make you a better parent. Some adoptive parents are great, and some are not. It's no different from any other kind of parent.

Answer 2

There are MANY reasons why people adopt.  My adpotive parents adopted 3 children because they physically could not do so due to a hysterectomy very young in life and plus, they just really loved children.  I have had children naturally and also adopted a child because I really love children also.  I had three and adopted the fourth because I always wanted four and since my last pregnancy was hard on me physically (heart issues), I figured adoption would be best.  I knew of a little girl who's parents are both in jail for quite some time.  She is now MY daughter and I love her so much!  I may not have had her physically but the adoption process was just about as long and hard and painful as the physical births that I had.  I adopted because it was in my heart to do so, just like it was in the hearts of my a-parents to do so.  

Thats a shame about that family that you know of who adopted for the wrong reasons and then treated the child who was supposed to be in a better situation and ended up in a worst one.  I hope and pray that someone who has a good heart has that child now.  I will be sure to pray on the child's behalf.

Answer 3

Adoption is not an easy or cheap solution. Those who adopt do so for various reasons and must go through an extensive process beore they are given a child. Not all adoptions work out well and not all adoptive parents are great parents. The same thing happens in birth families. People adopt because they want to parent a child and bring that child into their family.

Answer 4

many reasons.  I have a relative who had 3 babies die at birth . she adopted 3 kids and raised them with love and caring

Answer 5

Everyone has a different story behind "why" they adopted.  For us, we wanted to have children and were not able to.  We had a choice to live child-free or adopt.  We chose adoption.  Did we adopt to fill a "void"?  Yes, I guess you could say that we did.  But that doesn't mean that we do not love & cherish our son.

The reality is that parents - whether bio or adoptive - can be abusive.  I come from the belief that abusive parents should be labeled as such.  They should not be called abusive bio-parents or abusive adoptive parents.  An abuser is an abuser.  Sadly some people, whether bio or adoptive, are just not cut out to be parents.  That doesn't mean that all bio-parents or all adoptive parents are bad.  It's just the few out there that give the rest a bad name unfortunately.

Answer 6

everyone adopts for their own reason, my parents adopted because my dad was sterile they were unselfish people who adopted 6 children when adopting was not the in thing i love my parents, not all adopted stories are as good but not all biological families have happy endings either

Answer 7

A lot of people adopt because they can't have childern of their own. Some adopt even if they have biological children just to help a child in need. Some families with loads of money adopt to help a child and put something into the community. I think adoption is a beautiful thing, but I've heard it costs alot of $$$. My mom's boss adopted a child from Korea and it was like 40 grand!

Answer 8

People shouldn't adopt to fill a hole in their heart?? Then why should they? I think most of the time the ones that want to offer a loving and safe home for children are the ones with holes in their hearts because they cannot have children of their own. Not all adoptive parents point a finger. There are many women that give their babies up because they cannot care for that baby financially or emotionally. And adoptive parents are grateful for that and do not put blame on the mother.

Answer 9

My a'parents adopted because they are infertile but, as you so eloquently put it, they still wanted to raise, love, and provide for two children.

I do feel that some peope adopt for the wrong reasons, and that perhaps more counseling ought to be done first.

Answer 10

I adopted my daughter because I always wanted to have children, and was not able to have them.  My daughter is 100 percent my own child, even if she was not born to me biologically.  She looks nothing like me, but that is fine with us.  I love her more dearly than anythng in this world.

I think that unfortunately, there are some people who adopt who are not good parents.  Just as there are many people who choose to have children who are not good parents.  Unfortunately, there is no lisence or trainning required to be a parent.  Some people just don't know how to do it, even though they have good intentions.

Answer 11

I think you have to take that in stride as well.

While there are some unhappy situations having arisen from adoption, there are a lot of happy families as well.  I went to school with many families who were quite happy.

You're right.  If they are adopting to fill a hole left by their own child it's going to be unhealthy.  No child can be that person they lost.  They're going to have incredibly high standards for that kid.  And it's going to cause them both pain.

I've always wanted to adopt a child (not a baby - note: a child).  They're often tossed about in the system because nobody really wants them.  But they really do need love and a home too.  I guess the idea of pregnancy and 9 months of it is rather frightening as well.  But that's really not the biggest thing for me.

I don't know.  Everything just sounds really cheesy but that's how I feel.  I have room enough to love children, even if they aren't my own.  I could easily love them as much as any of my own blood.

Answer 12

Adopting to "fill a hole in one's heart" is a very twisted motive for adopting. It is an unfair expectation to expect someone's child to heal the wounds of an adult. That is extremely selfish and pathological of the adopter who brings a child home with those motives or hopes in mind. As you mentioned a child can never live up to such pressure - many adoptees will try, and in the process deform their own identities into people pleasers, but it is a very empty existance.

There are ways to help children that don't involve identity theft and lies. However those options don't fill the ego need that some people have to be called "Mom and Dad." The role of parenting is often idolized that some feel it will "complete" their lives.

Infertility is on the rise. Causes for this include waiting too long while chasing after career / education / the right man / some degree of material attainment. Years of birth control and STD's impair fertility. As well as plain old envirenmental factors like pollution and junk food diets.

Unfortunatly infertility can be devastating to one's self-esteem and often people immediatly jump from that to adoption, and place all there energy "into moving forward" AS IF adoption were a cure for infertility. They don't properly grieve over what might have been, and instead seek a resolution for their empty hearts/arms through adoption. I believe these to be the adoptive parents most vulnerable to unrealistic expectations and most likely to become abusive.

Answer 13

This really varies there are lots of reason.  Obviously one reason is a couple can not conceive. A couple or person just wants to give a home and family to a child(ren) that needs it.  Some people are single and never marry but still want to have kids but maybe don’t want to go to the sperm bank or egg bank and hire a surrogate.  People don’t want to add to our all ready over populated world when there are so many babies/kids/teens who need to be adopted.

People shouldn’t adopt for the wrong reason. You can not replace people and people need time to grieve before even considering having another child bio or adopted.  If someone feels an adopted child would never be good enough for them that person or couple has absolutely no reason to be adopting.  From what you say this couple should not have adopted. However not all adoptive parents are abusive just like not all birth parnet or step parents are abusive.

No child should be abused unfortunately it happens.  Yes sometimes an adoptee does not end up in the greatest family.  Sometimes a child is not born into the greatest birthfamily. A child can be abused whether they are adopted or not.  Look at Dave Pelzer one of the worse child abuse cases in USA history and it was his birthmother who abused him.  I don’t think anyone here is saying abuse is ok but people also realize that birthparents , adoptive parents, step parents can all be abusive towards their children, bio, step or adopted.  In most abusive cases the abuser is trying to control the victim. It is a very sad thing no child in fact no person or creature should be abused by anyone.

Answer 14

they adopt because they want children

Answer 15

Why did I adopt?  I was told I could not have children and I wanted desperately to have a family, to have children to love and take care of.  I guess that is selfish, huh? But I don't make any excuses for adopting.  I'm so happy with my children.  

And about any parent that abuses their children, I don't care if you are a birth parent, adoptive parent or whatever.  You deserve to go to jail and get whatever comes to you from the other inmates.

Answer 16

If you do your research, you will find that the majority of the negative stories you hear, are due to the media concentrating on them for "ratings" only. The truth is, the majority of adoption stories are positive!

The main reason people choose to adopt is to BECOME PARENTS...........

Answer 17

I couldnt have my own.

Not everyone that gave up their child was abusive, just as not every adoptive parent is abusive. Just because you know of ONE case, doesnt give you the right to judge us all. I happen to adore my daughter, more than you could even comprehend.

Answer 18

I am currently in the middle of an international adoption, but I can only speak for myself and my husband.  We chose to adopt because we wanted to become parents.  We have been married for 15 years and have no biological children.  Instead of pursuing infertility treatments, we chose adoption as the way to create our family.  It matters not to us how a child joins our family.  

Most often, it's not because they just want to give a home to a child that needs one or because they are trying to fill a void left in their hearts by the loss of a child.  

All of the adoptive families I personally know are adopting because they have spent many heartbreaking years childless, like myself, or because they feel their families are incomplete.  Certainly not all families are like the one you have mentioned in your post.

Unfortunately, due to the rise of celebrity adoptions in recent years, the media has shed a very poor light on adoption.  Please take what the media says with a grain of salt and research adoptions for yourself.

Answer 19

My parents adopted because they had two boys and wanted a girl

You make a good point - it is clear from the attitudes here that most people think it is just birth parents who abuse, which is SO not true

If that were true everyone would be giving their children away to have the mythical 'better life'

Answer 20

I adopted my son because I wanted to be a mother. My husband and I tried to have biological children but I couldn't get pregnant. I started the adoption process before we completed fertility treatments because I knew I wanted a child -- it didn't matter to me if he was of my DNA.

People told me at the time that I was so unselfish and giving..."How wonderful of you to give a child a loving home!" and things like that. I told them no, they had it completely wrong. I adopted for ME. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world. My son isn't a substitute for a biological child; he is my child. That's it. Did he benefit from being adopted by me and my husband? Probably. He's not in foster care anymore and has two loving parents, so yes, I'm sure he benefits. But I, too, benefit! I have a sweet, loving little boy who makes me laugh and surprises me constantly with the things he knows. He is bright and funny and my life is so much richer because he is in it.

You should realize that not all adoptive parents abuse their children, just as not all biological parents abuse their children. The people you mentioned sound very disturbed and they seem to have adopted for the wrong reasons. I'm so sorry for that child. But just because you know of one lousy family doesn't mean that all families who adopt are the same way!

Answer 21

Ok not every home that has an adopted child is abusive. I am adopted and my home wasnt. My daughter is adopted and we arent abusive to her. I guess its who the people are. Not everyone who adopts is filling a void. We adopted bc I cant have kids and this was away for us to  become a family. And to us our daughter is good enough for us. She is more then what we expected:):) We adopted for the right reason I think so anyway.  What other reason is  there to adopt? I cant think of one besides that the caouple wants a child. IF people are doing for the wrong reason then they have alot of money to through away for the wrong reason. Maybe you see who else that  you may know that has adopted and see how they are towards there child.

Answer 22

Most adopt because they can not have kids. I was adopted at 16. Some people are mean and do it for the pay check they get for taking a child in there home.

Answer 23

Well I am not going to speak for all of those who have or are trying to adopt. We want to adopt because we love kids and have always wanted to have children but aren't able to on our own. There is no greater joy than being a parent in our opinion. And we are still hoping that it happens one day.

Answer 24

I would hope people would adopt because they want to provide a home for a child. That they would want to love and care for a child. People can be abusive either they be adoptive or biological. Unfortunately on here if some one mentions that their adoptive parents were abusive, there are people on here that will say that isn't true. Basically saying no adoptive parent could ever be abusive. Which I think is untrue. Abuse can touch any family, either they be adoptive or abusive.

Answer 25

There are all sorts of reasons to adopt. Maybe the couple can't have kids of their own, but really want a child. Or they just want to give a child a good home. Why do you think it is so wrong to adopt a child when someone lost a child. They aren't trying to replace the child that was loss, they just want to be parents. I think it is a great thing when a child gets a good home and parents who love him/her.

Answer 26

There are probably as many personal reasons for adopting as there are adoptive families.  You can't generalize like that--I'm sure there are plenty of examples of good and bad adoptive parents just like there are plenty of examples of good and bad birth parents.  People are human, and parenting isn't easy.

I guess you are probably right that many people who choose to adopt are unable to have children of their own and/or they lost children and then were too old to have another baby or something like that.  I know of a family who planned to only adopt and not have children of their own, but had an unplanned biological daughter.  They had one daughter domestically adopted, plus two Asian children and one foster child.  They all turned out ok, but I think their birth daughter always felt like the odd one out in that family because she just "happened" and wasn't chosen like the others.

Though it might be generalizing or stereotyping to point this out, most adoptive children I have known go through an identity crisis at some point where they seek out their heritage and try to reconnect with their birth parents, and some even to the extreme of rejecting the adoptive parents.  I think some of it may be a version of teenage rebellion and angst that just plays out within the drama of that family dynamic, but some adoptive children are just looking for excuses to resent their adoptive family.  I have even seen my daughter go through a bit of that with me (the stable custodial parent) in defending her dad (my ex) over her step-dad (my husband) even though we are the ones who have always been there for her, and my husband is much more of a parent to her than her dad ever was.  I'm not really sure why that happens, but I've seen it so I know it does.

Hopefully, people adopt because they want to provide a loving home for a child that needs one.  But like I said, parenting is never simple or without bumps in the road.  The best you can hope for sometimes is getting the kids to the point where they can look back and understand and halfway appreciate the sacrifices made and lessons learned along the way!  It's like my mom told me (and I didn't listen either) "Some day when you have kids, you will understand."  Guess what?  Now I'm telling my kids the same thing!

Answer 27

I was adopted as a child and have never ever be harmed in any way by my adoptive parents, But on the point of adopting a child for the simple fact of loving them I whole Hartley agree, adoption should be do only for love and not to fill and hole, My mother and father are wonderful people and adopted me because the were not able to have children of their own. I was lucky to fall into their arms and be raised in such a loving home.

Answer 28

in my family adoption is affecting it twice, just 30 some years apart.....my parents adopted my brother in january 30 years ago because the doctor said my mom couldn't have kids, well march of the same year i was concieved, my parents never treated either of us differently, everything was always equal, now 30 some years later my brother is in the middle of an international adoption to have children, i am currently pregnant about 5 months, it is funny how things work out but it is all in the BIG GUYS plan!!