I will love the child as my own but he won't. Do I consider adoption?

Question

Due to my recent miscarriage, I'm thinking the worst and whats best. I have a feeling like I won't be able to get pregnant ever again. My mother always wanted me to adopt, saying she will love it just the same if the child had her blood. And I want to be a mother, i have too much love to give. I know I wouldn't mind having an adopted child but I starting to talk to my boyfriend about it, he was negative towards it. He said he didn't want to raise a stranger's baby. That he wanted us to have a child of our own one day. But I'm thinking, if I'm going to adopt, eventhough I'm 19, I should start saving up since adoption is pricey and get everything ready for when i'm 25, I could just go to an agency. Only problem is, my boyfriend. We do intend on getting married in couple of years. But how he feels.. I know its hard adopting as a single parent. And it's choosing him or a child.

Answer 1

NO.

If you both can't agree on adoption, and he is being vocal about the subject enough to tell you truthfully that he won't love an adopted child the same, you most certainly should not be adopting.

If you push ahead with adopting while with him, you are setting that child up for failure, your dooming your relationship, all round its just a bad idea

Adoption is to place a child out of a bad situation (ie, abuse, abandonment etc) and give them a chance at a good situation, it's not to plunk them into what is destined to be yet another bad situation

Answer 2

I think you can't even think of moving forward unless partner is with you 100%.

Answer 3

talk to your husband and see if you can make a compromise.  maybe you can adopt a baby and then try to have a babby of your own so that way you to can both get what you want.

Answer 4

no

Answer 5

i'm far from ready to have a child, but i can totally identify with you. while i'd like to tell you not to care what he thinks, i know it's more difficult than that. i've talked to my boyfriend about adopting a child from overseas after we're married, and he's totally against it. he says he will not raise a kid that's not his own. which is leading me towards looking for another boyfriend. it's a difficult situation to be in.

Answer 6

Sorry about your miscarriage. I have to put this out there, it's a what if. What if you go ahead with the adoption and your husband does not come around to love this child as much as you and you pass away during a time when this child still needs a legal parent. What happend to this child? You may want to ask him this question before you go any further. I have seen it happen.

Answer 7

if I had a man that didn't want to have more kids... I would dump the man. I would end up resenting him if he stood in my way and it would ruin the relationship anyway.

Kids are VERY important to me. I am a single mom of two and I still want more. If I am not in a commited relationship when I am done universtiy, I am going to adopt another child. Many countries adopt to single woman. People and governements are now looking at the quality of home. They will not give a child to an abusive home with 2 parents when there is a happy, together, loving single parent on the market.

It depends on your priorities. You may be able to have another child or many on your own. I know a lady that had several miscarriages and finally now, has a 7 month old baby.

You have to decide. Are you willing to keep trying for kids and possibley not have them (although one misacarriage does not mean that you can't have kids... many mom's with 4 kids, have had 3 miscarriages. My anut had 3 kids and one miscarriage). But if you want someone that is open to adoption as a safety net... than you have to decide what is more important to you.. that possiblity or the man.

There is also a possibility that if for some reason you can't have kids, that he will change his mind. The first reaction is not alway a long term choice.

Answer 8

First, my heart goes out to you regarding your unfortunate miscarriage.

Secondly, why wouldn't he love the child as much as you? That is the real statement. A child REALLY needs love from both parents. Maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend.

You need to be with someone who will love the child as you do.

Answer 9

You shouldn't adopt a child if your boyfriend or husband does not want to.  No.  Don't set yourself and the child up for falure.  You may still be able to have a baby one day- you're young...  have you seen a doctor about it?  There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend's opinion, but if yours does not match, that's not good.

You sound like a good person with a great Mom...  best wishes...  and you CAN adopt as a single person... too.  (I did.)  My future husband will have to love us both unconditionally or forget it.

Answer 10

I think you said it best yourself, "it's choosing him or a child."  No one can tell you which choice is best for you.  Good luck!

Answer 11

Seems like its too soon for you and your boyfriend either way - adopt or conceive.

Don't settle on anything yet- you can't be sure that the one miscarriage indicates anything 100%

And also, if you're really sure about adopting, you need to let your boyfriend warm up to it -

Best wishes

Answer 12

I had a miscarriage and became pregnant a year later.  They happen more often than women realize.  Don't worry.  If you are otherwise healthy, you will become pregnant when the time is right.  You are still very young.  Do some traveling and enjoy life as a single person before you become a parent and a spouse.

Answer 13

I am so sad about your miscarriage. Pray about it, only God can help. God has a way of providing, if he wants you to get pregnant you will. But you should get married first. You know what  the Bible says. Although I am not writing to tell you how to live your life. LOL Also, about adopting if God wants you to you will find a way. Maybe he will lay it on your boyfriend's heart to take in a orphan.

All you can do is pray!

Answer 14

It does seem too early to be thinking about having a child... and as with any baby or child if parents don't start out in agreement about family building how will they ever manage the really big things?

I would Never want to love my child and raise him/her in a home where someone treated or viewed my child as "someone" else's kid..... and with that attitude I don't even think I would want to have a baby with a man who would say something like that.....hopefully it's just because he is still a kid and maybe one day he will outgrow it....

Anyway, adoptive parents generally have many step to go though and attitudes like his won't get very far with the process I HOPE.....

If you are getting married:

I say stick with a dog....

Have biological children.

and don't adopt unless his view changes Dramatically.....

Answer 15

Honestly I have my own children but being adopted myself still want to provide a good home to a child that needs it. Which as we all know there are MANY who do. My dad felt the same way my mom said when she brought up the subject of adopting me. But as soon as he saw me with my big brown eyes and arms up asking for a hug I guess he melted. Im hoping your boyfriend is grown up enough to realize its fear talking when he talks like that nothing more. He is scare if you adopt now and if and when you do get pregnant later in life that he will love both children equaly. And belive me he will.But its very rare that an adoptive parent favors their real child over the child they adopted. But remind him of this once you adopt they are your REAL child, but another mom carried them for you as you where unable. Its still a blessing no matter how the child came to be with your family.

And I would wait til your a bit more stable and older to adopt. my parents where 28 and 30 when they adopted me. And waited til they had a bit saved to better take care of me they said. My girls are 6 and 3 I want to try adopting when they are 8-10 if my husband still agrees. And again still finances play a big part of the desicion. Good luck you 2 and best wishes for a happy future.

Answer 16

You are still very young and there is a good chance you will have your own child some day. Six years is a long time and a lot can change. As for him not wanting to adopt I understand his point, he is scared he won't be able to love the child as his own. He believes you are still young and will be able to have a child with you, which is his preference. Who knows you might break up with him within the next 6 years and then you can go ahead and adopt. However, it would not be fair to ignore his wishes and feelings. I would save your money, which you can do anyway and see what will happen. True is if you don't get pregnant within the next 6 years I would just make the choice him or the child adoption. I would not marry at this point, as you are very young and you have great differences on a quite serious subject. You can't ignore your husband's wishes, if you do, you might lose him and it could affect negatively the adopted child in the future if he won't be able to come to terms with it and decides to leave. The child would be losing a parent again. Ultimately you must make a choice and I think you should choose the child if this is what you really want to do, but understand it is not easy to be a single parent, should you become one in the future. I would have a good think about it, since you plan to adopt in 6 years you have a long time to think about it.

Answer 17

My answer is NO.....please understand that you cannot convince your boyfriend to adopt if that is not what he wants.

Can he change his mine in 5 years? Sure but all the begging and pleading is not going to convince him. A child adopted or biological needs to be welcomed into a home by both parents.

I think you should understand that people do not just wake up one day and day "I think I will adopt."

Adoption for us came for many years of infertility.....many years of searching our hearts and how we felt and what would be best for a child. Babies are super.....but they indeed grow up. There are many adoptees on this forum that did not have a great experience.....you need to prepare yourself for this. You have to realize that the needs of this child will be greater emotionally then the needs of a biological child. Are you preapred for that?

Your still young and you have conceived. I would suggest you keep adoption in the back of your mind but move forward in learning everything you can about fertility and how your body works. A good book to start with is called: "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". And do not waste your time with a OBGYN for fertility problems...they are ill-equipped to handle the needs of infertile couples instead you need to see an reproductive endocrinologist.

  I wish you all the best and I hope you really think about what I have said. And please get married before bringing a child into the world.....I am not judging you......I want you to beleive that it is hard enough when there are two parents. Kids do not need fancy toys or expensive clothes....but they do need YOU. Make sure your preapred to give them all of you.

And I want to say I am sorry for your loss I know the loss of miscarriage.

Answer 18

NO.  No child should be brought into a family where he is not 110% wanted, cherished, adored and loved unconditionally!  PERIOD.  

Most adoptive parents can provide this unwaivering, fiercely protective love without hesititation.  For you to try and fit a child into this situation is unconscienably wrong.  I am so glad you know that, or you would likely not be asking the question.  Now, do the right thing!

Answer 19

For now, you can save money and he may change his mind later if you can't have one between now and then.  If he doesn't change his mind, don't do that to a child.  Give him time and don't talk about it with him for awhile.

Answer 20

Find yourself a man who shares the same ideals as you. This difference, though small now, could grow into an insurmountable problem, in six years. The fact is, you're right and he's wrong.

After an adoption, the child IS yours and deserves to be loved by BOTH parents.

Answer 21

You've got  a lot going on here.  You are considering marriage.  You recently had a miscarriage.  I'm sorry to hear about that.  I know how painful that can be.  A sister-in-law of mine had one when she was first trying to start having children.  However, she went on to have 4 children the "old-fashioned" way.  So, you cannot be certain you won't be able to do similarly.

First and foremost, with regard to any marriage, if both people aren't on the same page when it comes to children, the marriage won't fly well.  Most couples discuss whether or not they want children prior to engagement.  If one does and the other doesn't, they normally don't follow through with nuptials.  The same should be followed when it comes to adoption.  

As far as saving up money for a future adoption goes, I'd say it never hurts to save money!  If you end up having children biologically and not adopting, you'll still find use for the money anyway, I imagine ;-)

Answer 22

Whoa, slow down. Ok, you're only 19 and not yet married. You had one miscarriage.  Woman get pregnant and carry to full term all the time after having a miscarriage.  

If I were you, I wouldn't worry at all.  Live your life, get married in a couple years if that still is your plan then and then try to get pregnant again when your life is stable and you're married.

As far as adoption goes.  If, after you're married in a few years, you cannot get pregnant or you have miscarriages, and you are considering adoption then you need to really think about your circumstances and motives.  First of all, I think it's very strange that your mother has always wanted you to adopt.  That is very unusual.  I wonder why on earth she would say something like that to you?

Regardless, it's not about what your mother wants, it's about what you and your husband want.  If your boyfriend expresses hesitancy about adopting, then adoption is not an option, and you shouldn't consider it.  You have to both be on board with the decision.  He's being honest, not everyone wants to raise a stranger's child.  That's fair enough, don't force something on him that he doesn't want to do.

  

Anyway, you have plenty of time and need to really give the situation quite a few years before you worry about it.  If you feel like saving money in the meantime, go ahead.  You can always use it for something else later.