I wish I understood..... how?

Question

I am at the end of my rope. I am with what I think is the love of my life. At the beginning he was loving, affectionate, caring... attentive... and he pays more attention to the dog.

He tells me he loves me, hates to see me upset and hurting. The only thing I ask him for is a bit of quality time, which obviously.... he won't give me. It always comes down to the same thing, us going round for round about me asking for quality time alone and his telling me I'm selfish and demanding for expecting that, me tellling him I've been waiting for "time" for three months and your friends get it all, he tells me I'm crazy and I cry.

I know I should not threaten anything without fully being willing to follow through with it. I got to the point that I started packing to leave, which apparently put the fear of God into him, he apologized to me. Told me he just doesn't know how to give me what I want. (???) And then gives me endless attention until it seems I'm comfortable again and then he goes back to his old ways.

Is there some way to explain to him that he is hurting me? I've told him exactly what I've put here, and he acknowledges it, but never does anything to change it. He has no problem telling me he hates seeing me so down or crying, but won't do anything to stop making me feel this way. I hope that doesn't sound like it's all about me, because that isn't what I'm going for here... I'm trying to go for "US".

No mean, sarcastic answers here... please.

Answer 1

There are two elements you need to look at here....

1)  You (and he) need to try to see the relationship from the other's point of view.  It's easy to feel like the other person is at fault and that our position is so right.  However, sometimes if we honestly look at the situation from how the other person sees things, we can sometimes see what we are doing that is contributing to the overall problems.  (And make no mistake....  You may be the one who is "suffering" the situation.  But you also have some role in perpetuating it.  So you need to find out how to change your response to the situation.)  

2)  His behavior seems indicative of the usual problem in a relationship.  Once the initial excitement fades, remembering to appreciate and value the other person also fades.  

Ask many ppl if their siginificant other pays as much attention to them as they did in the beginning, you'd probably get a resounding "No" from many.  It's just the trap of familiarity....  Complacency and boredom.  

I'd say if you are both really interested in this relationship, you need to see a counselor to learn some ways to keep the appreciation of one another as ppl high.  Because behavior patterns won't change by themselves.

And if he isn't interested in making things better where both of you are happy, then he doesn't appreciate you and your feelings enough to justify continuing.  

Your happiness is your responsibility.  If he isn't interested in helping you be happy....  How much can he really love you?

Answer 2

Apparently there is no "us", only you and him.  He already understands he is hurting you, it just is not important enough to him to change.   Seems he is getting all the attention he wants through other sources so he doesn't see why it is such a big deal to you.  In reality, it probably will never get any better.  The only hope for this is if you both go to couples counseling and even that is a long shot.   Good Luck

Answer 3

It seems that some people have a hard time understanding the need for quality time in a relationship, and your guy might be one of those.  If that's the case, you guys might try going to couple's therapy to see if you can get some help.  Maybe he wasn't brought up in a home with affectionate parents and truly doesn't understand that aspect of a relationship.

Or, it could be that he's selfish.  He only does enough work to "maintain" you, and when you show signs of being fed up and leaving, he does what it takes to get you to stay, then goes back to the same old ways.  

I don't know either of you so it's hard to know what is really going on, but either way you are very unhappy and that isn't right.  See if you can get him to go to counseling with you.  If he refuses to work on his relationship with you, that might be a sign right there that he's not the right person for you.

All the best.

Answer 4

I think there is a misconception and I hope to banish it now, and to those who read. Wishin someone understands you doesn't make it so, and as Jack Lemmon's grandfather says in Grumpy Old Men, you can wish in one hand and **** in the other tell me which one fills up first. Now it is overly pessimistic, but he makes a point, wishing on its own never amounts to a solution, only in rare cases. I see you as having a legitimate case, and when you present it I also concur you are probably doing it from sincerity, I agree to all that. Question is do you think he wants to understand you more than he wants to understand himself? I am in a relationship, and my gf when things are down always relents "you don't understand me". You know what, she is right, and the conflict is that she wants me to understand her, and at the same time she does not understand me, which I believe is called a Mexican stand-off. You and your boyfriend are at that junction. I get upset at my gf because she wants me to understand her, but she doesn't have the patience to expose me to her, to teach me about her, to share her. I am a man who has grown up with a whole different set of rules, all men do. There are times I wish I could just POOF I now understand. So when my gf relents over and over the same issue, how do you think I feel? I am sure your boyfriend feels similar. We feel like were stuck between a rock and a hard place, we feel limited, and the continued pressure annoys us, especially if we are moving in that direction. This in turn pushes him away and in all earnest he wants to tell you he needs some space, only to renew his vigor for you, but saying so would make you think c**p what did I do? Now I can go on and on, but if you feel like I am touching upon something, send me a message and we can discuss this over email.