I wish I was dead, should I end it all?

Question

First, I just want to say that this is not an attempt to get attention, just a genuine question... although some advice might be appreciated.

I'm a 16 year old girl with severe OCD and Bipolar Disorder. I also have depersonalisation disorder. I'm supposed to be starting a new school in september, but I know I can't cope. The alternative is to stay at home for a year without being able to work or really do anything due to my disorders. My shrink is currently trying different combinations of medications and I only see him once a month, he said he is too busy to make it more often. I know that these are lifelong disorders, and that my suffering isn't going to go away. None of my friends have supported me and they all went around my old school saying I was making it up to get attention - which is completely untrue. I don't have anyone I can talk to, I feel like things are just getting worse and worse and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now I think I'd rather be dead than live with these disorders for a lifetime. I know it's selfish to take my own life, but I honestly don't care at the minute. I figure it's my decision...why should I have to suffer just so my mum (who's the only person that would actually care at all - and we're not that close) doesn't feel bad? I've just stopped caring about anything. I don't feel too hot or too cold, I don't care whether I talk to friends or not, I don't care what music I listen to, I don't care if I don't leave the house for months...in fact, I'd rather not leave the house for months. In the past, when things got tough, my father had always been there for me. Recently while I was living with him he beat me up leaving me with bruises and a broken arm... and he now refuses to talk to me. I feel like I've already lost everyone I cared about, so what is there to lose?

Is it time to end it all? It seems like more of a risk to stay living and hope things get better than it is to die knowing they could have done.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I'm completely at a loss on what to do and I think it's time to make a decision. Keep going, or give up? What do you think?

Thanks for taking time to read this and answer. I really do appreciate it.

Answer 1

I feel for you. I really do. Your life sucks right now, but could it honestly get any worse? So if this is as bad as it can get, then things can only get better. Definitely find a new shrink who has time for you. Go at least once a week if you can. And hopefully you will find some meds that will work great for you. Sometimes it takes a few weeks for them to start working, though.

Just don't kill yourself. At least let someone know where you are right now, in terms of your suicidal thoughts.

Answer 2

did u cry when you were typing this? I cried when I read this, please don't give up. Try to over come these, so you have been diagnosed with life long disorders, maybe you should get a second opinion, since your shrink doesn't really have time to see you more often. Don't go into defeat because you have some hurdles to jump, life is hard but it will get easy some day. You have to create yourself in this life, god gave you. I always tell my best friend who has really bad anxiety ( and we both have the same stupid humor) that when things get tough and your at the end of the rope, sit down and think pink fluffy bunnies and  she seems to cheer up, I'm a couple years older then you but if you need to talk you can email me, anytime, seriously. never give up hope! that's my saying. because when every time i wanted to surrender, i knew there was always...hope.  

Answer 3

You are lucky that i saw this question. I am 17 and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and

OCD. I can recognize myself in your every word. I also had the intention of committing suicide but back then i didn't knew that i was ill. The reason that keeps me going is that the bipolar disorder gives me talents and abilities far more advanced than that of my peers.

I'm some kind of science whiz. My doctor says that people with bipolar disorder easily excel in one ore more domains.

And although we feel like the lowest thing alive we still have our talents.

Mozart,Goethe, Beethoven and many more - they all had B.D.

My advice for you is to study yourself, find the thing you are good at and make it the reason you still live.

Answer 4

The fact you ask the question means you question whether you will sstay like this, of course you can get better, but only you can do it... Stick at what you can and dont think stupid thoughts like that... If you end it, what happens then? Nothing at all, its over, atleast if you dont end it, you can try to make it better

Answer 5

You poor thing, firstly and the thing that sticks out the most is ur so called shrink! u need a better one than that, once a month is obviously not enough...only u can move on from this and one day maybe u can be helping others... stay positive and see a future...so many people loose their lives to illness or r basically killed and they never wanted to die so please for their sake dont use that as an option....

Answer 6

Read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren (best seller). It will change your life.

Answer 7

accept that you'll have to deal with these things for the rest of our life and make the best of it.

you just need to think positively and be determined not to be beaten!

Answer 8

Oh lovey I really think you need to go and see a doctor who will genuinely help you. Don't be giving up x

Answer 9

No, you can get though it!

Take things an hour at a time if you have too. Keep calm and get some support.

Best wishes

Answer 10

Death is forever.  Once you make that choice there ain't no going back.  Instead why not stick around and see if you can make it better?   Look at yourself as the heroine and all those things you have going against you as the monsters.  It's going to take both brains and brawn for you to win this war, but you can do it.  Just go get um girl!

Answer 11

Well to start:

-Get a better doctor. No doctor should shun you off because hes 'too busy'

-The people who told everyone you are an attention seeker were not friends.

-Get a councillor- and talk to them about everything. They will help you to understand things and respect yourself and everything around you.

-Your disorders are NOT the end of the world. If you talk to a councillor you'll see this. Many people are going through what you have, I have OCD.

Answer 12

ohhh just shut up and get MORE help!

Answer 13

I kinda know how you feel.

I'm a 15 year old girl with severe OCPD to the point where it's controled every aspect of my life for as long as I can remember.  I just wish I could live and think like a normal person and not be so obsessive over everything. I know how you feel when you say that you don't really feel or care anymore... I'm kinda numb right now too.  I've thought about suicide before.  I don't think I'd ever do it though.  I wouldn't recommend you to do it either.  I know it's up to you, no matter what anyone else says... but really think about this.  Don't do anything quick and irrational (I know it's hard not to be compulsive) but think things through.  

Good Luck and I hope you find relief to your disorders.

Answer 14

first off your tointelligentt to be feeling like this ,and never worrie about what others think ,or do ,i didn't read all your letter , but enough to know you do need some type of help, if your parents dont under stand ,because of your disorders then go to a teenage help line where they dont have to know about your disorder and give them some of your problems that your going through ,if you have a aunt or just a trusting family member would also help,wish you luck baby!

Answer 15

hey sweety. I wish i could give you a hug right now. I sympathise with you. I know it isnt easy living a life with all the problems you have but there is light at the end of the tunnel hunny. There really is. It takes alot of patience but you WILL get through this. Are you on any medicines at the moment? Can I ask when it all began? How old were you? OCD and all these symptoms are a sign of hormone imbalance, lyme disease, low thyroid levels etc. You need to get your self checked out for all these. They will do blood tests but for thyroid test, tell the doc you want the REAL thyroid test. not the blood test coz everyone gets sent back saying everythings fine when clearly other doctors have mentioned low thyroid levels not showing up in blood. If they say no too having them checked, them demand them tests. GP's don't tend to listen to their patients and then it can be left undiagnosed. You need to get to the bottom of this. I know a doc treating Lyme disease and all these symptoms are related but he is a private doctor who also works as a GP but has done extensive research in America with them doctors. The NHS docs don't seem to believe in some health issues like MS etc coz they are in denial. They won't accept that there is such a health problem and wave it away. Hope you get better soon and please don't end it all. I bet, sooner or later, you will look back and think why you even thought of doing it so. Please take your medicines and try hypnotherapy for your OCD. I'm sure it will help. I wish you all the best. Email me via my profile if you want more details x

Answer 16

A bi-polar disorder is what is causing the confusion and depressive thoughts culminating in you wanting to end your life. You are precious to your family, whether you believe not, and they would be devastated and feel blame-worthy should you end your life and they would have been unable to stop you. You need to speak to your doctor and let him know that the fact that "he is too busy" to see you also makes you feel let down. You must try to feel positive as negative thoughts attract negative ones. I have suffered from depression before and thought that there was nothing out there for me, with professional help (and some hospital clinics offer free counselling you just need to ask your doctor) I managed to bounce back. Every now and again I touch base with my counsellor and I feel life is back on track. I am positive this can be the same for you. You just need to ask and think positive - start with a "I can do this" rather than a "I cant be bothered to do this". Hugs x

Answer 17

that is one way to look at it, another is maybe you're in such a hole that you cant see the way out. Luckily, we live in a world where there are infinite possibilities out there for you to find enjoyment from, you just cant see them right now. You are attatching to many painful thoughts, try and  remember that these are just thoughts.

Have you sought any self help resources?

I have been in a hole of my own for a few years. I know how lonely and bleak it can be in there.I've been diagnosed with schizphrenia, which has been very debilitating, but i know that this is just a challenge that i can adapt to overcome. I've found practising the sedona method to be really beneficial. its helped me to start letting go of the painful thoughts of the past, and move closer to creating a future that i want..

The more people you talk about this the better. Maybe you could try seeking a counsellor/ going to hospital/seeing a different psychiatrist?

Suicide is so final..

There is definately nothing you can do about it when your gone.

It may seem easier to kill yourself than it is to live right now, but with the right help, even if its a struggle at first, things will get better.

It may take a little while, but little by little things will improve if you want them to, and actively take steps to get where you want to be.

And if you can find enjoyment in something, a hobby for example, then that would be something positive in your life. i suggest you do that. Get help from a counsellor/doctor, find a mental health day centre to go to so you can get yourself out and mixing with people. There is always a solution to every problem, and death is not the answer. You can still lead a fulfiling and meaningful life, you are very young and this is just a difficult time your having right now, maybe in 10 years time you can look back at this and see it was just a little blip. You have your whole life ahead of you and you can do anything that you dream about.

'

Answer 18

Don't do it. Life will get better in time as long as you have patience and work at it.

What would your mum do if you were gone? She loves you more than you could ever imagine. She would be devastated if you were to kill yourself. Suicide only passes the pain onto the next person.

Secondly, even though it doesn't seem like it, there is always someone worse off than you and you must focus on the good points and how well off you are.

It will be hard starting a new school, but this will bring new opportunities. Hopefully you will make new friends if you work at it. You will also find you have a bit more fun once you get older as you can do more things.

I don't know much about your problems. My mate's mum has bipolar disorder and it really messed him up because she had to go to hospital for long periods and was always changing moods and on different medication. I can't really imagine what it feels like. Maybe if you get a better doctor to see you more regularly and do other things like concentrate on studies or learn to play an instrument it will give new a new focus and enjoyment in life.

Hope this helps.

Answer 19

Get a new shrink. Also don't End It All because you'd regret it. Just accept that you have these problems and it won't be long in till you get the right medication for the problem. Also you're dad shouldn't have dont that. I'd talk to you're mom whenever you're feeling down because it seems like she really does want to help.

I don't know if this will help but read it if you would like

I had a severe injury 2 years ago. Sports was my life so it was really devistating. After 2 years of going to all these doctor's it seemend like they'd never find out what was wrong. I stopped caring about lots like school and i was getting F's and stuff like that. I also stopped caring about doing anything like whether i was in trouble or not or even leaving the house. Also through this whole process the same thing happened with my dad. After a few months he stopped caring about my injury. He didn 't understand how it was affecting me. Then one day i saw a doctor and he found out what was wrong finnaly. Now i had surgery and i'm feeling great. Just hold on and i really think you'll be happy when you get the right medication.

Good luck!

Answer 20

Hey, i suffer from anxiety disorder/depression and i am currently undergoing outpatient treatmeant for it. thus resulting in me not being able to go to school. i am 16 as well. i hope you dont kill yourself. many of us are suffering from the same thing. please talk to someone.

best of luck. if you need a friend, im here :]

Answer 21

I think you need to talk to your mom about how you are feeling.  She cares and needs to know.  Maybe you two can work together in finding a better "shrink" who can see you more often then your current one is seeing you.  I can't tell you if you should end it or not...that is your desicion(sp?).  I'm sure you will hurt more people then just your mom but that is just me.  And from what you said about your friends...they aren't worth being friends with if they spread rumors about you.  If you feel desprate please call the police or talk to your mom.  Maybe if you went to the hospital they could better adjust your meds to help you out...just a thought.

Stay strong!

Answer 22

It's all a part of your life,it will completely change soon as you will grow up more,this is it...just find more thinks that you like to do like s*x beer etc

Answer 23

dont be a quiter

your too good for that sweetie

Answer 24

Awh sweetie :( I have Bipolar as well, i know how hard it is to fight this disorder, but instead of fighting it - accept it.

It sounds like you are in the grips of depression at the moment, please wait for your psychiatrist to sort out your medication and if he doesn't sort it out i think you need to get a new one because he is causing more harm than good.

You are stronger than what you are making out to be, you will get through this. I did, and i believe you can too.

Feel free to email me via my profile if you want to talk to someone about it because i know what you are going through and trust me ending it all is not the answer xx

Answer 25

Please read this carefully:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

PLEASE read it, and think about everything it says. Check out the website links at the bottom of the page.

I am in near enough the same situation as you and it was incredibly helpful for me. Good luck, you can get through this. You sound to me like a strong character, you have your whole life ahead of you, travelling, husband, kids. Remember, it can take years of trial and error to find the right medication(s). Stick it out, because each med takes a while to get used to and for the side effects to wear off. Even if it takes years for you to be stable and happy, it will be worth it. You need a new shrink, and you need to talk to your mum. Talking helps more than you might think. And committing suicide will do more to your mum than you might think. x

Why not call the samaritans on 08457909090

or 1850 60 90 90 if you're in the Republic of Ireland.

If you don't want to talk to someone over the phone:

Why not copy and paste this question you've written to:

http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someon...

It helps A LOT.