Question:

I would like some critique for my poem Jon and Carly. No it is not a true story just based off of one. Ty & GB

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

Jon was a teen like the others we see,

He thought the way to survive was suicide,

Never did someone think of what he could be,

Besides the outsider that he lived as his life,

When he was 3 his father left him,

When he was 8 his mother beat him,

When he was 12 no one loved him,

Except for God, who knew, created, and cared for him,

This was just the beginning of his life,

Still all these things made him cry,

He never understood why he was despised,

Then at 16, when he had enough,

He went to school with a deadly gun,

He killed 5 people then he looked up above,

He shot himself, BANG, then fell with a thud,

Just to think that this started at three,

When he didn't understand what life would bring,

Just down the street a girl named Carly,

She was good, She was loved,

She went to church every Sunday,

She was just 1 of those 5, who fell and died,

She never hurt him or knew him well,

But she was killed by that guy who hit the ground when he fell,

It wasn't just Jon's fault why they died,

It started from just a few cruel acts,

You can say its wrong but that’s the facts,

Just imagine those who fell in cried,

After their best friend Carly died,

So listen to me when I speak and tell:

When you hurt someone you'll hurt someone else as well

 Tags:

   Report

1 ANSWERS


  1. It's good.

    I'm not a huge fan of ABAB stanzas in poems, but I like what you've done to mix it up.

    I like the different perspectives as well.

    Your theme is summed up in the end, and includes a life lesson.

    Good job, you might want to proofread over again though.. In the last paragraph you wrote "who fell in cried" instead of and..

    Other than that, I like it.

    For future poems, maybe you could try a non-rhyming poem like Whitmans work.. or vary your line lengths..

    You have talent. (or good word choice and ideas)

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 1 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.
Unanswered Questions