I would really appreciate a review and constructive criticism?

Question

The smile on the face of the girl in pain

She’s looking out the window,

Waiting for the rain to fade.

From black eyes, everything is shades of gray—

Lifeless, meaningless—but classic.

–Hiding inside every chamber,

Running through every stream,

Lurking in the hollows—

Tear it apart and destroy the scene.

Strip mining of the skin

To feed the flame that makes you live

But supply’ll run low,

And it’ll be death you hold.

The land is dead and there’ll be no fuel

The rain’ll muddy the destroyed earth

Dirtying all the beauty that withstood.

But even then, there’s a irksome smile

Behind all this pain.

If you really try you can see the good

Just have to look through twisted lens

And a crooked heart

Then you’ll imagine a light in the dark.

It was supposed to be a conceit between strip mining and self-harming. But I think the images are too similar to be considered a conceit, it just blends into one thing.

(and please don't steal it, i do have it copyrighted)

Answer 1

Whether a conceit or analogy or metaphor doesn't much matter to me. This is a great idea executed well. Here's my customary nit-picking rundown of problems:

Line 5- After reading the poem 5 times, I'm still trying to figure out  "classic." Give me a hint.

L 12, 13, 15 - In short order we have "supply'll...it'll...rain'll." The repetition becomes a distraction. It's awkward, and the worst of the three is "supply'll."

L17 - You need to work some with "irksome." I'm not a big fan of using the word here, but if you do decide to keep it , "a irksome" is a disaster - make it "an irksome." I figured that this was just a typo, but it's not every day that I get to rhyme "irksome" with "work some." ( I'm a jerk some of the time.)

L 22 - "light in the dark" verges on being a cliche. It weakens the strength that a last line should have.

I hope this helps you, you have a knack for this.

Answer 2

That is a really good poem and I don't think you should change it at all. I love it. You are a great poet.

Answer 3

I think it's kewl! good job! I've given up trying to write poetry.. mine basically sounds like I copyrighted a Barney song! HAHA!! But yours doesn't! so good job! lol =Þ ~♥~

Answer 4

Dont change a word!!

Answer 5

i like this...but wat is strip mining?