SCENE 1
King Arthur, Sir Launcelot and Sir Bedevere are in the back of a police car. They are wearing handcuffs. They all look very confused. King Arthur is disgusted. Two policemen are in the front, one is driving.
KING ARTHUR: Excuse me... excuse me! I am your king! I demand that you release us immediately! We are on a sacred quest to find the Holy Grail!
COP #1: Sorry mate, you was caught with dangerous weapons, and rules is rules, we can’t let you go.
KING ARTHUR: But I am your king!
SIR LAUNCELOT: He is.
COP #1: Of course he is, mate. Of course he is.
SIR LAUNCELOT: He is!
COP #1: Ok, sure he is.
(pause)
SIR BEDEVERE: He is.
COP #2: Look, will you three knock it off? I’m trying to drive.
SIR LAUNCELOT: (to King Arthur) Would you like me to kill them, Your Highness?
KING ARTHUR: No, Launcelot. We shall only get into more trouble.
SIR LAUNCELOT: Are you sure? I could – (points out the window) Oooh, that castle looks like Camelot!
SIR BEDEVERE: It’s only a model.
SIR LANCELOT: Oh, so it is.
KING ARTHUR: See here! I will not stand for this kind of disrespectful treatment! Where are you taking us?
COP #1: Jail.
KING ARTHUR: How dare you!
SIR LAUNCELOT: Oh. Well, the Grail could be there. Grail, jail, it makes sense.
KING ARTHUR: Ohh!
(opening credits)
SCENE 2
They are in a prison cell. King Arthur is sitting on a bottom bunk, sulking. Sir Launcelot is sitting on the floor, playing with a deck of cards. Sir Bedevere is counting on his fingers. This goes on for quite a while.
KING ARTHUR: We’ve GOT to get out of here.
(A guard comes to the cell and opens the door).
SIR LAUNCELOT: Well that was lucky.
(Sir Launcelot, Sir Bedevere and King Arthur stand up and run towards the door. Sir Launcelot pulls his sword out from his scabbard and stabs the guard. King Arthur does the same. He, Sir Lancelot and sir Bedevere look around, then run down the corridor, screaming and yelling, and stabbing everyone they can reach.They keep running, yelling and stabbing until they get to the main door. They run across the grounds to the gate, and stop.)
SIR LAUNCELOT: Now what?
KING ARTHUR: (tries to stab the gate. His sword goes right through.)
SIR LAUNCELOT: (hits the gate with his sword. It doesn’t work.)
(They all look around. At least 20 guards are approaching.)
KING ARTHUR: Run away!
SIR BEDEVERE and SIR LAUNCELOT: Run away!
(they run into the gate.)
SIR BEDEVERE: (tries the handle on the gate. It opens.)
KING ARTHUR: You are so wise Sir Bedevere.
(They run away. They keep going until they come to a small town. There is a large crowd in the distance. As King Arthur, Sir Bedevere and Sir Launcelot get closer to the crowd, you can see a building with a banner on it saying “Monty Python and the Holy Grail Conventionâ€Â. The knights do not see the banner.)
KING ARTHUR: Why, look at all these knights! Say, isn’t that Sir Galahad? (yells) Sir Galahad!
SIR GALAHAD: (looks around, sees King Arthur, faints.)
KING ARTHUR: We must help him!
(they run over)
KING ARTHUR: (kneels down) Galahad... Sir Galahad... speak to me!
SIR GALAHAD: (wakes up) My liege!
KING ARTHUR: I thought you were dead!
SIR GALAHAD: Well, it was a close call, your highness...
KING ARTHUR: But you were thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!
SIR GALAHAD: Uh... that too...
KING ARTHUR: Come! We must continue the quest for the Holy Grail!
SIR GALAHAD: In a minute.
KING ARTHUR: OK... Oh, hello, Sir Robin!
(Sir Robin and his minstrels are standing next to King Arthur, Sir Launcelot and Sir Bedevere. The minstrels are singing.)
MINSTRELS:
Bravely bold Sir Robin
Came to see the king
He was not at all afraid
Oh brave Sir Robin
He was not afraid the king
Might have forgotten him
And he would get rejected
Brave Sir Robin
He might have gotten all depressed
When he was not wanted
He might have started drinking and
Somehow become fat –
SIR ROBIN: That’s enough.
SIR LAUNCELOT: They’ve lost their touch.
KING ARTHUR: Look! It’s Patsy!
(Patsy is standing a few meters away. He comes over.)
PATSY: We looking for the Grail again?
KING ARTHUR: Yep.
PATSY: Cool.
SIR LAUNCELOT: Look! It’s Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film!
SIR GALAHAD: Where?
SIR LAUNCELOT: Oh... nevermind.
KING ARTHUR: (looks around, realises that Sir Bedevere isn’t there.) Where is Sir Bedevere?
(Sir Bedevere is standing on a platform in front of a small crowd.)
SIR BEDEVERE: 5, 3, 9, 2, 1. And that’s pi to several million digits, thank you for asking.
KING ARTHUR: Sir Bedevere!
SIR BEDEVERE: Oh! Coming! (he joins the rest of the knights.)
KING ARTHUR: Well, we’re all here, let’s go!
(King Arthur, Patsy, Sir Bedevere, Sir Launcelot, Sir Robin, the minstrels, and Sir Galahad all start walking in different directions.)
KING ARTHUR: Wait! Wait! We need to go together!
SIR BEDEVERE: Let’s all go... that way! (points away from the convention, in the opposite direction from the jail.)
KING ARTHUR: You are so wise Sir Bedevere.
(They start w
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