I wrote a controversial poem, and wanted to know what others think of it?

Question

I think you can understand what it's about. I hold strong beliefs in this area, so I think I could handle the emotions well in it.

(Title up to suggestion)

Today is my birthday mommy!

I am 4 months old.

I call myself Sophie and my hair is gold

I have green eyes, and little toes

Tiny ears and a small button nose

I’m growing fast and my hearts beating loud

Oh, mommy you’re going to be so proud

I want to travel with you, to New York and to the shore

I can’t wait until I’m yours to adore

So mom, where are we going today?

Wait, the doctor? That’s not until Tuesday

Mommy, who’s he? I don’t know him!

No, not this! Did he say limb by limb?

I love you mommy, I love you!

Are you mad, what did I do?

I’m so sorry, mommy, please forgive me

I’ll make it up to you, you’ll see

Just not this, I want to live!

You won’t believe the love I have to give

I love you more than you can know

Please, mommy, please, don’t make me go

I feel it now, the doctor’s here

And if I could cry, you’d see my tears

I don’t know why you hate me, mommy, but it’s okay

Because I want you to be happy, even if that means I can’t stay

So don’t worry about me, I’ll get through this

Even though I know that I won’t be missed

I’m losing life, and going to god in the sky

So I guess, mommy, this is goodbye.

I posted this last night, but there was a delay in posting on here, so it only showed up for a minute or two, then disappeared, so I wanted to post it again and get more responses

Answer 1

Here's a poem on the same topic you may be interested in:

It's "The Mother" by Gwendolyn Brooks

http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/gwe...

Answer 2

This was beautiful.  I had an abortion 7 years ago and I still feel the pain.  It gets better but it never goes away.

Answer 3

uhhm. It's good yes, but if you were actually shooting for controversal you could intensify it..

but it does flow fairly nicely though.

I like it.

Answer 4

Although your last lines rhyme, you have no structure to back it up. Perhaps iambic pentameter would be more effective, or, perhaps eliminate the rhyming, which makes the work feel forced.  I'm going on the assumption that the narrator, Sophie, is an unborn child (possible readings could be an alien, parasite, disease, etc.) but difficult to tell because of the traits that wouldn't exist (hair, exemplary hearing and comprehension [ex. knowing the shore would be New York]) that don't belong to fetuses, and though she has hair, she can't cry.  These issues need to be smoothed out.  Also, examine your last six lines: given Sophie's capacity for reason up until that point, she should have SOME idea as to why "mommy" (split personality perhaps a la "Sybil"?) would have this occuring.  This is, however, all conjecture.  if this is abortion, then state it. As it stands this reads as agit-prop.

Answer 5

Well, I really love the poem, but the only thing that confused at the beginning was the 'I am 4 months old!' part, because it implied that the baby had been born already, whereas the poem is about abortion; an unborn child.

That's my only problem, so other than that it's great!

Answer 6

Sorry. You seem to be saying that Sophie is going to be vivisected or put down or something like that.  Unless Sophie is an animal this doesn't make any sense and is, therefore, total garbage.

Nicely written though.

Oh right!  It's about abortion.  Now I'm up to speed - yes, it's brilliant and poignant - been there - and deeply moving and true and ohh...

God bless and keep you and her poor darlings both.

Answer 7

made me see it differently. thanks.

Answer 8

It made me laugh and I have no clue what its about.

Answer 9

You've done a fine job of expressing your feelings.  It isn't insulting to others and should add to understanding.  This is what is needed in place of heated controversy and deliberately hurtful expressions.  nice work  --  jerry