I wrote a poem, please give any comments. What do you think?

Question

Untitled (for now)

Her green, green eyes -

A timorous pause strikes the spine,

Beating in time, beating in time -

And me.

A harrowing line eludes rhyme,

Hauntingly I divine.

A lonely note seeks a song,

So to be swept along.

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I have thought about adding this last part to the end, but I am not sure:

"With all the forms my thoughts may take,

In none I find a heart's embrace."

Answer 1

This is bloody fantastic! You have a rare talent. Oh my, this is just so evocative!

Answer 2

i like it a lot...better than the generic c**p i've been seeing.

Answer 3

Wow, it' very deep, I think you did a great job. Regardless if you add the ending or not it sounds good.

Answer 4

I think it's good but it wouldn't go good with a song

Answer 5

it's really good- i think the last two lines would sound good with the rest of the poem