I wrote a poem at 3 am... opinions?

Question

I wrote a poem last night and i am wondering if it is any good.

I love you

I love you

I love you

What is love?

Hearts race

Palms sweat

Stomach knots

Deep breaths

Fingers intertwined

Electric touch

Firey kiss

Everlasting hug

Movie watching

Endless talking

Wishful thinking

Dream planning

Gorgeous dimples

Shining eyes

Beautiful smile

Summer glow

I love you

I love you

I love you

Love is everything

If you can come up with something else instead of 'deep breaths' that would be great. Any suggestions there would be nice.

Also, what do you think of it?

Answer 1

This is such a real and wonderful poem of love and their  great feelings that go with it..You made me remember ys gone bye and i say thanks for the memories..

Answer 2

I like 'Deep breaths'...this is good. It is pleasing to read, simple yet descriptive. Very nicely done. TD

Answer 3

It's your poem, and I think it`s good. You captured that first love feeling(s) perfectly. That`s exactly how I felt with my first love.

I remember when we were just 16, we promised to never leave eachother.

He`s married with a daughter, and I am divorced with 2 kids.

Thanks for capturing those wonderful memories!

Answer 4

I'd just pay attention to your rhythm, number of syllables and just the general flow of your timing.  

Suggestions:

Hearts Race

Palms Sweat

Stomach Knots

Can't Stop (Can't Speak)

Fingers Locked

Electric Touch

Firey Kiss

Endless Hug

But only you as the writer know how it's suppose to flow and whatnot.  As for writing, you'll continually change and play around with the words until your happy.  It sounds like this is just the first draft, so keep working with it.  

All in all though, good poem.  Keep it up!

You did a nice job with direction.  Each part sticks with one theme and moves very smoothly into the next.

Answer 5

Thats really great, very wonderful, I luv it! KEEP ON WRITING!

Good Luck! =)

Answer 6

"Bated breath" is trite (too often used). "Deep breaths" is more suitable for the meter. I suggest you keep it as it is.

Answer 7

I love it.  I do like the deep breaths and I think you should keep that part as is.  The only other things I would change is the fingers intertwined part and the everlasting hug part but you already have those covered.  Great job.

Answer 8

How about "breath catches" or "breath stops"?  Or something along those lines.  To help you out, you're saying (something in the body) _____ (action)______ so that's why "deep breaths" doesn't fit the format.

I also don't like the word "hug".  It makes it sound too elementary.  A better word may be "embrace", you know, something more mature.  

I like the way you've written this in snap shots, of sort.  The premise is nice.

There are some stylistic things that I'm not crazy about, but this could just be personal preference.

Answer 9

How about "Bated breaths?"

I like how it flows like a story from a nervous start that goes into the actions of love and going on dates to Dream Planning and the things that people love about each other.

Nicely done, a great deal of information condensed into a fluid poem!