I wrote a poem?

Question

2 chantel

If only I could get another chance to prove who I really am

I would-

No more insecurities, drama, nor Failure will show,

I fear you left me with a sigh more than hope for me,

for if the sigh is the latter, than proving you wrong I must,

Looking at your picture motivates me,

Realizing you are gone brings teary eyes,

But knowing I will see you again with a brighter future leaves a smile

What do you think, honestly?

Answer 1

This is very good

you wrote from the heart

this is important

to get your point across

Your poem talks about

emotions

The first line asks for  a second chance

I like the line that says looking at your picture

motivates me.

Answer 2

I like the words, but it doesn't flow.

Answer 3

I think it's good for a first poem.

I do have some advice for you.

"nor Failure will show", "for if the sigh is the latter", "than proving you wrong I must", etc.

If you read that out loud, does it sound like something that someone would say in real life, not in a Shakespearean play? Try to keep what you write flowing - sounding natural, almost like a conversation. For example "when meet you I will, now answer this heretofore?" just sounds weird. it doesn't flow. But "when will our eyes meet, and our hands do more than graze palms?" sounds natural, like something you might hear from a somewhat poetic lover. Make sense?

Don't capitalize words that aren't normally capitalized unless you are writing for a very specific style of poetry. They used to do that a lot back in the day, because the common perception was to hold wisdom or love as literal beings. Unless you are within that mindset, it doesn't come across well. Research it, though.... Idealism? I forget the movement(s) that used it. Romanticism? Dang, time to google...

"for if the sigh is the latter, than proving you wrong I must"

This is where paying attention in English comes in handy. "Than" should be "then". Who or what is proving? Is it you? Well, then it should be "then prove you wrong I must". No, still doesn't sound right. Mixing up the orders of the nouns and verbs is not necessarily poetry - "then I must prove you wrong" is correctly conjugated and parsed.... and has the added benefit of making sense.

As far as "for if the sigh is the latter".... Latter what? Usually latter means the second or last of two options, but you don't present two options except "a sigh more than hope for me". The latter of the two is "hope for me", and so your statement makes no sense. Do you see what I mean?

I'm not doing this to tear you down - it's called critique. In this case, it's almost entirely just the mechanics - the grammar, parsing, the structure of the poem, etc. This is probably the single biggest deficiency with the poetry that appears here - not having the nuts and bolts of the poem on straight, or worse, insisting that "free verse" is a free ticket where rules don't apply and even atrocious grammar is somehow artistically valid.

Anyways, what I'm trying to do is point out where you can improve. It's not an easy thing to read - you may feel like i'm attacking you personally. That's the tough thing with poetry - you put your heart and soul into it, then some stranger comes along and trashes on it. I'm not trashing on it - I'm trying to help you by pointing out where you can improve. If you take the advice that is offered by those who critique your poetry, you become a better writer for it.

I wish you luck, and I hope you keep on writing!

Saul

Answer 4

honsetly it just dosen't have a poetic feel to it i cant feel the mood of the poem when im writing

Answer 5

I think it is good because it has positive meaning. you're mentioning how you would be serious if you had another chance. women like when guys realize when they have made mistakes.

Answer 6

Jacks, I am continuing to learn every day so take no offense.  You have good ideas and a good start that could be definitely made into a good flowing rhyming poem, if that is what you are striving for. We all want second and more chances, so it could apply to anyone.

If only I could get another chance

to prove to you, my darling, who I am

You would see no more failures or drama

Only stronger man on the monogram.

Or.......

If only I could get another chance

to prove to you, my darling, who I am

I’ve grown much from my failures and drama

Emotionally resilient, new epigram



Hope this helps. I think the same number of syllables in lines gives more consistence and easier flow. Just my thoughts.

Answer 7

Honestly?  I'd try again.  There is some good emotion here, and you're fairly articulate.  However, as another has pointed out, it doesn't flow.  The last three lines really blow the whole thing.

Answer 8

really good I couldn't write a poem like that