I wrote a story for writing class and got a 100. I'd like to know what ppl think about it.?

Question

“I need a secure perimeter around the lobby of the building. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out. I also need a tough blockade of men to keep out these d**n reporters off the scene. I don’t want some camera man’s life on my conscience. Lord knows what this guy is packing up there, we don’t want to run any risks with the psycho. I’ll be in the lobby of 409, that’s across the street. Lt. Tucker is going to be with me but he’ll be up in a high window. Nobody fires a shot until I give the OK. Everyone got it? Alright fellas, let’s send the madman to h**l.”

That was Capt. Connor. He was talking to his SWAT team, positioning them around a building where a man had taken some hostages at an office building in Times Square in New York City. This man was Lt. Bell, one of Capt. Connor’s very own men, and Lt. Tucker‘s childhood best friend. Capt. Connor was the only man that knew it was Lt. Bell. Capt. Connor had been embezzling money from the Federal Bank, and when they caught on, he framed Lt. Bell. Lt. Tucker was unaware of this, as he was off duty at the time of Lt. Bell’s accusation. Now Lt. Bell had to prove his innocence, and this was how he went about it. He took the hostages, and declared he’d kill one every hour if the real criminal didn’t come clean. However, Capt. Connor was not about to confess, so he was relieved when he got the Mayor’s OK to take him out. If Lt. Bell was killed, the case would be dropped, and Capt. Connor would be let loose without even being a suspect.

Lt. Tucker and Lt. Bell were best friends since they met fighting over a swing in Kindergarten. Upon completing school, they joined the SWAT Team, where they became two well-respected officers. Lt. Bell was an expert in demolitions, which involved bombs, and close combat, which involved martial arts and taking enemies out without a weapon. Lt. Tucker was a sniper, skilled in the art of long range, undetected shots.

Capt. Connor beckoned to Lt. Tucker and they began walking with a few other SWAT members to 409, the building across the street. Upon arriving to the lobby, Capt. Connor ordered Lt. Tucker to the 34th floor. He was to take the hostage-taker out, one shot one kill. Lt. Tucker smiled at the thought of his possible hero headlines.

“Lt. Tucker, here’s your earpiece. Me and the rest of your commanding officers will be here in the lobby, listening over the loudspeaker. We all know what you’re capable of, so show us what you got.”

Capt. Connor handed Lt. Tucker his earpiece, and gave him a nod. Lt. Tucker was giving him that “can I go now?” look. He was Capt. Connor’s best sniper, they both knew this wouldn’t be long. Lt. Tucker would go up there, and get his rifle’s red dot on the guy’s forehead and have him begging Heaven for mercy in less than three seconds. Capt. Connor nodded again, and patted Lt. Tucker on the shoulder. The nod was Lt. Tucker’s cue to get going. They both turned, Lt. Tucker to the elevator, and Capt. Connor to the loudspeaker room. As he pushed the “up” button, Lt. Tucker called to Capt. Connor.

“Hey Cap,” he said with a grin. “If I get this guy in less than three seconds, dinner’s on you.” He displayed a high level of confidence.

“I’ll gladly take you anywhere you want.” Capt. Connor’s half smile faded with his words. Just make sure you can take him out as quickly as your tongue forms your cocky words.”

Lt. Tucker held his stomach and chuckled. As he began a response, the elevator “dinged”, and Capt. Connor had vanished into the loudspeaker room.

As Lt. Tucker traveled floor by floor, he wondered where Lt. Bell was. He figured he had been given the day off by Capt. Connor, but didn’t bother asking. He knew Capt. Connor didn’t like being asked irrelevant questions. He decided he’d call Lt. Bell to invite him to dinner, which would be Capt. Connor’s treat. He shifted his weight to his left foot and asked Capt. Connor if he could hear him.

“Loud and clear Lt. Tucker. Try not to sound so dull though,” Capt. Connor replied.

“Oh sorry Cap, do I sound like your wife when you guys-”

“Lt. Tucker! I suggest you keep your jaws shut and do your job. None of us down here want to hear nonsense like that. Now get into the room and into position.” Capt. Connor’s voice was demanding and Lt. Tucker smiled to himself but stood shut.

After about a minute of silence, Capt. Connor asked for a report from Lt. Tucker.

“Lt. Tucker, are you live?”

“Affirmative Cap. I’m setting up the tri-pod as we speak,” Lt. Tucker answered.

“Roger that. Remember, you don’t take a shot until I confirm. Is that understood?”

“Affirmative Cap. I’ll fire on your call,” Lt. Tucker said routinely. He sighed and shook his head. He never got used to Capt. Connor’s lectures.

It was now nearing 6 P.M. which was the first hour that would fulfill Lt. Bell’s proposal. If nobody had confessed in nine minutes, he would take a hostage’s life. Unless Lt. Tucker took him before those nine minutes was up, a hostage was going to be killed. Capt. Connor was becoming impatient, but couldn’t reveal it in front of the other SWAT members, as that would lead them to suspect something.

Lt. Tucker placed his .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle on the tri-pod, and went into a crouch position. He looked into the scope, and focused it to his liking.

“Lt. Tucker, the target should be directly across from your window. Witnesses say the bastard’s on the 34th floor, which is the same floor you’re on,” Capt. Connor informed Lt. Tucker.

“Roger that Cap. I’m loading my clips now. Give me a sec.”

Lt. Tucker inserted his clips into his rifle and switched the rifle’s safety button to “off”. He had no idea what he was in store for. He was like that kid at Six Flags. He was so excited to be there, and wanted to ride that new roller coaster already. When he gets on the ride, he’s so calm. He makes fun of his brother for not getting on. The roller coaster was taking that slow, long trip to the peak. He wasn’t even holding on, he was waving to his parents who were now far below him. He was alone, as he picked an empty cart to ride in. Just as the roller coaster reaches the top, the track makes an ear-piercing screeching sound. And then it’s downhill with a few loops here and there for the rest of the ride.

Lt. Tucker closed his right eye and used his left eye to look into the scope. He saw windows. More windows. No sign of the suspect, no sign of the hostages. Wait. There he is. The suspect was pacing the room back and forth, occasionally wiping his sweat with the backhand of the hand that he held his pistol in. The suspect turned to the window, and a tsunami of shock hit Lt. Tucker. It was Lt. Bell. He was the suspect. The hostage-taker. The partner. The best friend. The brother.

Lt. Tucker dropped the rifle, and it stood slinging from the tri-pod. He had just looked into the eyes of his best friend, who happens to be his target, and the man he was given order to kill. A gunshot went off in his head, and his thoughts began their marathon.

“Lt. Tucker, do you have a visual on the suspect?” Capt. Connor asked.

Lt. Tucker became startled by the voice. He rubbed his eyes and looked out the window. The sun was showing signs of setting. She still glimmered onto the cars, and her reflection still made drivers pull down their window visors. A very large crowd had formed in the street. The SWAT members out there were having trouble keeping them away. Reporters were looking into cameras, talking in a microphone. The situation had now received national attention, and reporters from stations that Peter Jennings never heard about were present. The tourists were looking up, trying to get pictures. Some people were using their hands to cover their eyes from the sun , some people were looking up and closing one eye, wrinkling their face to avoid the sun. Yellow cabs drove by slowly, rubber-necking to see the police and hopefully get a glimpse of what was going out, ultimately creating heavy traffic. The horns were being sounded, babies were crying at the top of their lungs, high school girls were coming in and out of clothing stores, and witnesses were being questioned by investigators.

“Lt. Tucker come in,” Capt. Connor’s voice showed signs of crankiness. “I repeat, do you have a visual on the target?”

Lt. Tucker took a deep breath. A stomachache began to rumble in him. He cringed but built up words.

“Affirmative Cap.”

“Roger that. If you got the clear shot, take him out.” Capt. Connor was becoming restless, as now it was four minutes until a hostage would be killed.

Lt. Tucker looked into his scope again. There he was again, Lt. Bell. The red dot of Lt. Tucker’s rifle was now dead smack on Lt. Bell’s forehead.

“Cap. I’ve got the clear shot.”

“So what are you waiting for? I gave you the green light. Take the d**n shot.” Capt. Connor had his hands on his waist, waiting for Lt. Tucker to say one more thing to annoy him.

“Cap…it’s Lt. Bell. Lt. Bell is the target.”

Lt. Tucker could hear sudden murmurs from the men who were in the loudspeaker room through his earpiece. He breathed a breath of anxiousness. Dinner wouldn’t be on Capt. Connor anymore. Those three seconds had come and gone.

“Lt. Tucker,” Capt. Connor said, rubbing his chin. “You have strict orders to take the target out. Regardless of who it is. Now get the job done.” Capt. Connor had convinced the other men that if it really was Lt. Bell, he had obviously gone crazy enough to threaten those hostages’ lives, so he had to be taken out. The other men didn’t necessarily agree but Capt. Connor was just that. The Captain. They respected his decisions, and really couldn’t argue with them.

Lt. Tucker brought his eyebrows together, surprised at Capt. Connor’s response. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he was expecting another reply.

“Cap, did you hear me? It’s Lt. Bell, our man, he’s the hostage-taker.” He felt awkward saying that, referring to his best friend as a hostage-taker. He figured the Thought Marathon was ended when Capt. Connor’s voice interrupted it, but the finish line was extended for the occasion. Why was Lt. Bell taking hostages? What had drove him to do this? What was he trying to prove? Lt. Tucker’s mind fought over which question should be answered first and his stomachache tagged in a headache to double team him. The sweat that trickled down the side of his cheek tickled him and he quickly wiped it.

“Lt. Tucker, you think I want to take Lt. Bell out? That’s one of my own men! Of course I don’t want to take him out. But he obviously is in violation of his SWAT pledge, he would face Court Martial anyway, and not to mention he’s threatening to kill innocent civilians! Lt. Tucker you were given orders to take him out, so take him out!” The timer was at two and a half minutes until a hostage was killed.

Lt. Tucker was now faced with a decision. He was either going to put down his gun, face Court Martial himself, for disobeying a commanding officer, and lose his job, or, take his best friend’s life without knowing why he even did it. Lt. Tucker locked his fingers together and put his hands on his head. Then he moved his hands down as if he was cupping his mouth to scream something. He began to tear, and turned his earpiece off.

“Lt. Tucker, do you understand your orders?” Capt. Connor’s heart was beating out his bulletproof vest correspondingly to the timer of the hostages‘ lives. When he got no response from Lt. Tucker, Capt. Connor yelled into the loudspeaker.

“Lt. Tucker, do you understand your orders?!” When silence was his reply, he slammed the table, and walked out the room and headed for the elevator. The other SWAT members looked at each other with the “uh-oh” look, but stood in the room.

The clock ticked life away as Capt. Connor went floor by floor in the elevator. 10th floor…18th floor…24th floor…30th floor… “ding”. Capt. Connor glanced in one direction, then turned the opposite way. As he reached the room Lt. Tucker was in, Lt. Tucker turned his earpiece back on.

Lt. Tucker turned as the door swung open. Capt. Connor didn’t even look at him, just went straight for the rifle.

“Cap, what are you doing?” Lt. Tucker’s voice was shaky.

“Lt. Tucker, your voice is not a respected one anymore. You failed to respond to your Captain, and you will be facing Court Martial. You disobeyed your orders, and you are now no longer part of this operation.” He spoke without looking at Lt. Tucker, and was eyeing the rifle.

“Cap, I didn’t know-”

“You didn’t know what Lt.? That I’m the real bad guy here? Is that what it is? So yeah, I’m the one that did the dirt. I’m the reason Lt. Bell is up there, and I knew all along. I framed him for embezzling the money from the bank. You never knew about it because you were off duty. But yes, I was embezzling money, and when the bank caught on, I framed your good buddy Lt. Bell. So he’s trying to prove his innocence by taking those hostages until someone fesses. That someone could only be me, but my lips aren’t going anywhere. I’m gonna take Lt. Bell out, you’re gonna be in jail, and I’ll be over in Miami drinking a piña colada on the beach.”

Unfortunately for Capt. Connor, he had forgotten that Lt. Tucker was wearing an earpiece, most likely because he had not been looking at him when talking to him. The SWAT members downstairs had been listening, and had now been waiting for the elevator, on their way to arrest Capt. Connor.

“Cap, you mean to tell me, you’ve been embezzling money from the bank, but you framed Lt. Bell, and now he has hostages until someone comes clean?” Lt. Tucker sounded like a kid who was being told his parents were divorcing, and didn’t really understand the concept of splitting the holidays.

“That’s right Lt. Tucker. And at 5 o’clock he said he’d kill a hostage every hour until that person fessed. It’s now 5:59. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to take him out myself before any innocent hostages are killed on my watch.”

Capt. Connor squatted down and grabbed the rifle, but as he looked into the scope, Lt. Tucker’s fist connected with his jaw, sending him to the floor. Lt. Tucker put his foot on Capt. Connor’s chest, and called to the men downstairs through his earpiece. Because they had now been in the elevator, nobody was in the loudspeaker room to respond. As he tried adjusting his earpiece to a louder, Capt. Connor was reaching for his pistol in his waist holster.

The other SWAT members were turning the doorknob when a gunshot went off. They opened the door and found both Lt. Tucker and Capt. Connor on the floor, Lt. Tucker dead, with blood crawling out his stomach and his eyes creepily open. Capt. Connor had his pistol out, and as he saw the men, he pointed it towards them. They slowly walked into the room with their hands up to show they had no weapons on them.

“Capt. Connor, we heard you over the loudspeaker. You’re under arrest for embezzlement.” One of the men said in a nervous voice.

Capt. Connor gave a surrendering laugh, and rearranged his jaw from when Lt. Tucker punched him. He dropped the pistol, and nodded in approval.

“Alright guys,” Capt. Connor said as he began to get up. “I’ll turn myself in, here”. He put his hands out for the men to handcuff him. One of the men gestured to another, and he placed handcuffs on Capt. Connor.

“At least I’ll have a partner with me,” Capt. Connor said with a scary grin. The men shared looks of confusion.

“Capt. Connor, what are you talking about,” the same man who made the gesture to arrest him said. Capt. Connor cracked his neck, and made a head motion to the window.

“Do me a favor,” Capt. Connor said squinting to one of the men. “Look into the scope of this rifle.” The man was hesitant but did as he was told. He looked in and gulped.

“It really is Lt. Bell,” he said with that “you gotta see it to believe it” voice.

“Yeah, now, you,” Capt. Connor said to another SWAT member, “would you mind telling me the time?” The man looked at his watch, and began to answer, but was interrupted by very loud church bells. The SWAT member who was looking in the scope gasped, and he jolted and fell back covering his mouth, half in disgust, half in complete awe. The small hand had just met the number 6 on the clock.

Answer 1

Bravo, that was really pretty good.

Answer 2

i bet it was wonderful, just too long to read.

hahah sorrryy

Answer 3

Masterful, really powerful writing, kept my interest from start to finish...wish you the best of the best, and hey, i deserve

an autographed copy...maybe even a dedication, only teasing

very very good.......you'll enjoy many royalties.

Answer 4

that was really good... a little jumbled in places, but it was very well written.. good job

Answer 5

An irony in time.....

Answer 6

I also need a tough blockade of men to keep out these d**n reporters off the scene.

to keep OUT these d**n reporters OFF the scene

So you made a bad grammatical error here that makes the work come off as amateurish.

Is it so much to ask that the first two sentences be free of glaringly obvious grammatical mistakes?

I stopped reading at this point.

You would have gotten an F from me.

Answer 7

Not good. There's too many errors in punctuation & grammar. I don't know how you got a 100 on that one!

Answer 8

That is an amazing story, I really like it!!

I wish I could write like that!

The plot is good!

Answer 9

Very good and if I'm allowed a criticism It would be instead of trying to explain the background as you go along, try leading into it. By that explain your main character first, and how he got to where he is. Other than that I'm not surprised you got 100.