I wrote a very short story and I am wondering if it is any good.?

Question

I awoke to my phone ringing in my ear. I have to remember to change my ringtone, I thought to myself as I look to see who would be calling me this early. To my surprise, it was Ben.

I answered groggily.

“Hey,” he asked, “are you awake?”

“I am now.” I replied.

“I have a surprise for you. How soon can you be ready?”

“I don’t like surprises,” I moaned.

He giggled a little bit, and it made me smile.

“Give me about thirty minutes or so,” I said, hoping that would please him.

“OK,” he said, “I will be at your house around 9:30.”

After a quick shower, though not too quick to skip shaving, I put a little bit of make-up on and proceeded with drying my hair. I chose to wear my usual jeans, t-shirt, and my gray cardigan. I need new clothes desperately, I thought to myself as I heard his car coming down my road.

I am already out of the door before he hit my driveway. I sent a text to Brian telling him that I was being kidnapped and if he needed me to call.

As I get in his car he gives me a passionate kiss and hands me a blindfold. I look at it with distain, and he gives me a seductively pleading look. I’m not good with surprises but he was intriguing so I put it on, but not without a pouty look pointed directly at him.

“I told you it is a surprise”

“Will you give me a hint?” I ask.

“No,” he said with a sly smile, “you will just have to wait.”

“I really don’t like you right now”

“Sure you do”

As we are driving I try to pry it out of him. I ask where are we going, and he says it is a surprise. I ask for a hint, and he says that is cheating. The entire car ride was a tennis match of questions with no answers, just silly riddles and no information.

After what felt like hours of driving, we come to a stop and he turns off the engine. Right about now I am flooded with anxiety, I have never been good with surprises. It makes me nervous not knowing what is going on. And I think he sees my weakness and he is using it for his pleasure, whatever sick pleasure he gets out of making me miserable.

I hear him get out and come around to my door. He opens it and I get out and move my hands to remove the blindfold, but his hands are too fast for me and I hear a sound of disapproval in his voice.

“We aren’t there yet,” he says with a smile in his voice.

“Rawr,” I said with a smile on my face, “it better not be much longer.”

I can feel that he is smiling. As we walk with our arms around each others waists I feel a good vibe from him. I always feel safe around him, even when blindfolded. Even though we have only been dating a few weeks, it feels as if we have known each other for ages. Is this what love is supposed to feel like, I wondered as he led me along.

I can tell we are in the city, I love the way the city. It smells and sounds like nothing else and all over it has the best vibe. But where we are in the city I don’t know. As I try to work it out in my head I feel him lead me through a doorway and remove the blindfold from my eyes.

I look around and I see the most amazing building ever. I see a sign reading ‘Museum’ and nothing else.

“I remembered you said you liked museums so I looked up all the museums in the area and this one seemed the most like you.” He said and I could see his eyes searching for approval.

I smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Perfect,” I said with the biggest smile, “I love museums.”

I could see in his eyes that he loved something else, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing.

Answer 1

I disagree with what theVet said.  Using "said" all the time is boring and redundant.  You do not want to do that.  What I noticed about that was the constant use of the same words, "I said" "he said" "he says"

"I ask" "He asked"

Then looking at those same words, you will notice that you are switching tenses a lot. (The first para looks okay, but in the second is where it starts.

"I am already out of the door..." (am = present tense)

I sent a text            (sent = past tense)

"Will you give me a hint?” I ask. (ask = present tense)

“No,” he said with a sly smile, (said = past tense)

he says with a smile...  (says = present tense)

“Rawr,” I said with a smile (said = past tense)

See what I mean?  More or less I know that agents and publishers also don't like the same words repeated again and again... like smile and smiling.  In a first draft it's ok to write what you want, but before submitting it, try changing all repeated words to synonyms that mean the same thing.

Here is an online page to look up synonyms http://thesaurus.reference.com/

________________________

Here is an excerpt from "Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown

(Ignoring the description of the dream, which is supposed to be a no-no, but if your are Dan Brown, you can get away with it.)

Robert Langdon awoke with a start from his nightmare. The phone beside his bed was ringing. Dazed, he

picked up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“I’m looking for Robert Langdon,” a man’s voice said.

Langdon sat up in his empty bed and tried to clear his mind. “This . . . is Robert Langdon.” He squinted at

his digital clock. It was 5:18 A.M.

________________________

And here is the beginning of the "DaVinci Code" also by Dan Brown.

CHAPTER 1

Robert Langdon awoke slowly.

A telephone was ringing in the darkness—a tinny, unfamiliar ring. He fumbled for the bedside lamp and turned it on. Squinting at his surroundings he saw a plush Renaissance bedroom with Louis XVI furniture, hand-frescoed walls, and a colossal mahogany four-poster bed.

Where the h**l am I?

The jacquard bathrobe hanging on his bedpost bore the monogram: HOTEL RITZ PARIS.

Slowly, the fog began to lift.

Langdon picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

________________________

I am NOT saying immitate him.  I am actually showing that even though many people would say not to start a book that way, he has started more than one of his that way, and they are best sellers.

In this latter one he also does something else agents say they don't like to see - lots of description.

Hmmm, I think I see a pattern here.  His book "Digital Fortress" also starts out in bed with a phone ringing...!

so of the four books of his I have, three of them start in bed with the phone ringing.

They all have a prologue, which most agents again say to not do...  Hmmm, I think I need to have *his* agent... (hee hee)

  As I say, though, if you are already famous, you can get away with a lot.  Also, you can write in totally the wrong way according to all the advice columns and still have best sellers.

For your first book, you still probably ought to be as careful as you can to follow the rules.  Write your first draft any way you want to get it down on paper /or on screen, then go back and re-read and edit the words, watching out for tense changes, grammar and misspellings... --stuff like that.

Anyway, Good Luck with your book.  Keep at it.  Don't let our words discourage you.

Answer 2

It's very vivid; the dialogue and situations are extremely relateable, and realistic. However, you will need to edit this up a bit for grammar.