I wrote this.. any good?

Question

i am planning on making it into something..

but only if you think its going somewhere.

The sheets were white. So I suppose that’s how I spotted it in the first place. The incredibly large pool of blood that was permanently soaked into the mattress. I thought maybe if the sheets were red I wouldn’t have noticed. Maybe if they were red it would have looked like he was sleeping. Even with his face down in the pillow, I wouldn’t have taken a second look. If they were only red I wouldn’t have been the first one to find my brother dead, and if that were the case, I wouldn’t be here right now.

I’m standing over your body. I can clearly see what you did to yourself, the object that you used and the transparent orange bottle with the two remaining pills that you couldn’t seem to swallow. Yet, Its all completely unbelievable to me. I can’t think, I can’t move, I don’t cry. I should be sad, crying my eyes out, wanting you to come back. But instead all I see myself doing is standing over

Answer 1

I think you have potential. Just that the first part you were using the third person "he" but in the second part you shifted to the second person "you". But you were referring to the same guy. Maybe for consistency you can think of sticking to just one person grammatically, that is.

Answer 2

its pretty good

Answer 3

i think maybe if you give it somewhat more of an opening it would be better...but its really good.... Great job

Answer 4

Well, it is  somewhat good. but you have to specify the genre. Is it love? Mystery? Action? Thriller? But yes, it is quite good. I would reccomend some more details in the first paragraph, however. Such as you're coming from the store, THEN you notice it.