I wrote this poem. I'm calling it silence. could you give me feedback?

Question

I look at you today

You're going away

You won't be there tomorrow

I don't want you to go

I look you in the eye

And I'm trying not to cry

Are you going to fly away tonight

Don't go, hold tight

Night after night I watch you

You breathe in and out, but is it really you

Or is it a machine giving you life

The silence is killing me, it's like a knife

I miss your laugh, your smile

The nurse tells me to go, but I'm going to stay for a while

I need to tell you that I love you

But is the message getting through

Can you hear me

Can you feel me

Sorry I never told it to your face

That you saved me and showed me grace

I want to hold you once more

Then the doctor comes through the door

He said you were running out of time

And that your last few moments were mine

I held your hand

I told you goodbye and

That I would see you again

I love you, my friend

You died that day

And away from me you'd stay

I watched them take you away

And again I say

I love you

What more could I do

I cried

And I told you goodbye

Answer 1

nice

Answer 2

you did good in more ways than one.

and you even penned this.

remember this last day

all the parts will help you later.

the title is perfect...

its the different silence.

sorry about your friend.

take care.

Answer 3

That was very very creative

I loved it... Just how you described it and everything and how you put some rhymes into it it what beautiful!

Answer 4

That was good, sad. sorry for your lost loved one.

Answer 5

"Beam me up, Scotty".

Less is more.

Answer 6

Your poem is a touching and heartbreaking story and is not diminished by its irregular layout.

However; if the reader reads it as what is called a "Narrative Poem" (A message that tells the particulars of an act or occurrence or course of events; presented in writing) ,then it is quite acceptable.

Well done young lady.

Robert

Answer 7

My feed back is I liked it , well written right down to the end!!  Cheers, and sorry for your loss!