I wrote this poem and I want to know what you think of it.?

Question

She says to me i wounder what will happen if i go to sleep and never wake? I said to her it doesn't matterbecause when she goes to sleep after she prays there will always come another day, I let her out of my sight for just a grain of a salt second, and shes gone, she plays in the hall but drops her ball out into the road in the snow the truck slams on it's brakes but there it goes like a merry-go-round circle after circle but it's to late, my hand in hers and the other under her head, I feel awarm liquid bleed out into my hand and I cry out to her, it's going to be ok and to be a big girl now and she says to me I don't have to wounder what will happen if I go to sleep and never wake because Jesus will carry all the way until he sets me dowb to play. what do you think? get bck to me and let me know I Jamz

Answer 1

You have talent.  I would read more poems that you write.

Answer 2

I'm sorry for what will i say girl,,the poem was good but next make a poem in its right arrangement,,put a stanza,,cause this look likes a paragraph only a poem is not like like this

Answer 3

It sounds pretty good!

But, if i were you,i would devide it into stanzas, as it would allow the reader to comprehend it more clearly.

It could also help you[the use of stanzas] to separate different ideas and emphasize thoughts that are the most important to you in the poem and most importanly,it would make the rhythm of the poem more striking.

[If you wanna make the poem better, use symbols! I love them personally =P]

Answer 4

That is bloody brilliant. I love it. You really have a rare talent, wow!

Answer 5

thats a good poem but you need o add some format in the way you write

Answer 6

You have a real gift.

Try writing it out as a poem to provide more power.

Please do not stop writing, and please, get thee to a publisher.

"Example:

She says to me,                                                                             "I wonder what will happen

If...

I go to sleep,

And never wake?"

___________________

Just a grain of one

Salt second

And she's gone.

___________________

Circle after circle

It's

Too late.

My hand in hers,

Beneath her head

I...

Feel...

Warm liquid

Bleed.

__________________

See what I mean?

Answer 7

well sorry to say that it is not apoem but it is something that touch the heart.it is philosophical thing but y u r so sad look  life is like that only .everything has its own beauty .i don't know what happen in ur life but y u r so alone .?keep try to find beauty in everything.i like night coz it has its own beauty .silence has its own word just try to find it out and beleive me u will be happy in every situation . but i like the way u wriiten this four cheers for that|

Answer 8

Powerful stuff.

Did this really happen? I hope i don't seem cold-hearted if I just assess the poem, without any apparent sympathy.

I think the single block of text is justified here, since this captures the juggernaut, fast-forward feel of this heart-jolting sequence of events. The shift from the child's theoretical question to the tragic aftermath is frighteningly abrupt. I was shaken, and shaking, by the end.

I would like to see more of your work.