I wrote this short story... i entered it in a contest... what do you think?

Question

Golden Summer Days

Once upon the last day of a golden summer there was a boy and a girl. The boy, who we will meet in a moment, was called James. The girl was called Lilly. Lilly and James spent the summer playing pirates, cowboys, and space cadets. Lilly was waiting for James by their tree house. Today they were going to go exploring. Lilly was tapping her foot and wondering where James was, after all she had been waiting 5 whole minutes. Since she was only 6 she had no sense of time. Then she saw James coming up the hill. He didn’t look happy.

“Lilly, I have bed news. Mamma says we can’t play together tomorrow.”

“Well, why?” Lilly demanded.

“She wouldn’t tell me, but all I know is we better have a lot of fun today.”

And off they went. First they went to the forest and picked wild raspberries. Lilly thought they were the best she had ever tasted. After their fruity snack, they ventured to the creek. James wanted to go fishing, but Lilly absolutely refused to touch a worm.

“Oh come on Lilly, It’s just a worm. It can’t hurt you.” James said trying to be convincing.

After a lot of convincing on James’s part they did finally go fishing. Much to James’s dismay Lilly caught four fish! James didn’t catch any.

“Let’s go to the dock and take the raft out.” Lilly decided

“It’s ok with me.” James replied.

They decided to have a race to the dock. They were both running, running, running, until they made it to the dock. It was a tie. After they made it to the dock they both jumped on the raft. Since James was the gentleman he paddled.

All day they played make believe games. They played until the sun began to go down. They headed back to the tree house. At that point both of them had quite forgotten they could not play together tomorrow.

“You know James…”

“What is it Lilly?”

“There is one thing we didn’t do today.”

“And what would that be.”

“Oh nothing.”

“No, Lilly tell me. What didn’t we do today?”

“I mean we didn’t do nothing. That’s the only thing we didn’t do today. We didn’t just sit and not say anything or just close our eyes and nap. We didn’t do nothing.”

“Well, isn’t this a nothing thing we’re doing right now?”

“I suppose it is.”

Then they heard voices coming toward them. It was their mothers. Everyday their mothers had to go out to the tree house because they would always lose track of time.”

“James, Lilly’s mother and I have something we need to tell you both.” James’s mother said seriously.

“Yes we do. You can’t play together tomorrow.” Lilly’s mother added trying to be calm.

“WHY!” they both said together.

“It’s because school starts tomorrow.” James’s mother said.

“What’s school and why do we have to go?” Lilly demanded.

“You’ll both go to school tomorrow to learn how to read and write.” Lilly’s mother answered.

“James, you must go too. But Lilly’s mother and I have decided to let you play outside longer today.”

“I don’t want to go.” James said as he started to cry

James and Lilly watched their mothers disappear. Then until the sun had finally set they sat in the grass by their tree house in total silence. Both were thinking the same thing. They did not want to go to school. Finally the sun disappeared off the horizon and they ventured toward home.

Once the day drew to a close they both had accepted the fact they wouldn’t see each other the next day and James finally spoke.

“Lilly…” he began “I wouldn’t have rather spent my last day outside any other way.”

After that all you could see were two little shadows walking home, both silent, both heartbroken. But one day a day would come when James and Lilly would play again.

Answer 1

I'm not going to lie. It's not very good. One thing about writing, just read and read and write and write... and continue getting feedback. There are some spelling mistakes, bed instead of bad, etc. The dialogue is okay, but the descriptions of what actions they are doing need to be fleshed out more. Also, generally mothers tell their children before the first day of school that they're going. So, either they should already know that they have school and what it is, or else this story should take place earlier in time to WHEN they overreacted to their mother's statements, or they could even be in the day before school, having a flashback to that conversation.

It's an okay story, but it needs to be reworked a little.

Answer 2

um... it wasn't very interesting. i mean... nothing really happened. To become a better writer, you should read a lot and write a lot. For short stories, I'd suggest Ray Bradbury and Nathaniel Hawthorne. I like their short stories the best :) The more you read and write, the better writer you yourself will become.

Answer 3

well as far as short fiction stories go, it was good, I don't quite see how two four of five year olds paddled a boat, but I could relate to all the rest of the story, I'm sure you will do just fine, I like the twist about having to start school is the reason the two can't play together.

Answer 4

Although it's very good.

It contradicts the whole Snape and Lilly story we finally learned at the end of Snape's life.  How tragic and romantic.  Alas Lilly was not interested nor did she really know James until their last 2 or 3 years at Hogwarts.

Again it's very good, perhaps a touch more description of the surroundings.  Close your eyes and picture it in your mind.  

And maybe, they run back to where Lilly was waiting for James so there isn't another place to describe.

I'm sure there is a typo in this line

“Lilly, I have BED news. Mamma says we can’t play together tomorrow.”

Let’s go to the dock and take the raft out.” Lilly decided

Change decided to suggested, just a suggestion.

They decided to have a race to the dock. They were both running, running, running, until they made it to the dock. It was a tie. After they made it to the dock they both jumped on the raft.

Change to ran and ran, it seemed so long, they finally reached the dock.  James and Lilly jumped into the raft.

Answer 5

YOUR VERY GOOD, I SEE PROMISE FOR YOU. PATIENCE, YOUR ON YOUR WAY TO BIGGER AND BETTER THING'S.