Iam writing a short story tell me what you think?I couldn't post the whole story but please go and read?

Question

officer holt pulled out his gun.i am not taking any chances with these dog they are vicious.as they followed the blood they noticed a door it was the laundry room for the apartments.as he pulled the door open slowly he seen the other

two Pitts all of a sudden the two dog started running at them BANG BANG BANG and again BANG BANG BANG the dogs went down they where covered in blood.but not there blood as they walked around the room they looked and they got sick to there stomics and couldn't breath they have never seen something so horrible in all there days.the body of a female was seen there her arms had been severed from her body they had chewed through her side like a piece of meat there was more blood then they have ever seen..

http://www.freewebs.com/spoiledlov79/

Answer 1

it was good, don't get me wrong, but it was a bit gory i mean it mainly just talks about how much blood there was, but like u said u couldn't put the whole story so i think that it would be better if i could read the whole thing.  but otherwise it was a good story.

xoxo

Answer 2

room for improvement,

no puncutation, you've spelled words wrong, not very detailed

trying adding figurative language (simile, alliteration, personification) be even more detailed.

Answer 3

It was ok, few word errors, but still good.

Good work x

J x

Answer 4

uhhmm... You're joking, right? Please, I don't want to see GOTCHA! when I open your website. If you're not, here's my answer:

The plot was good and the genre you picked was nice too. Armchair Mystery???

>>Using BANG BANG BANG is nice but it's like you're narrating a children's story. Though, it wouldn't pass that genre because of all the violence and stuff.

You still need to reread your story. Read it OUT LOUD. There are grammatical errors everywhere. Your punctuation could be improved too.

If you need help with editing, you can e-mail me and i would be very glad to help you. [e-mail]

I'm still going to your website to read the rest of your story. I just hope I don't see a flashing sign saying, "GOTCHA!"

Anyway, thanks for the read. Keep on writing...

-tepishane-

P.S. This is just a constructive criticism. My intention is only to help you. : ) PEACE!!!

Answer 5

it was good (: