Ideas for assisting very young foster children who have trouble settling during visits with their parents?

Question

I'm the long term foster parent of 3 children, aged 2 years, 13 months, and 4 weeks.

The 2 eldest have been with me for almost a year, and have overcome some attachment issues, and only just started feeling more secure and confident around others.

They visit their parents once a week, for 2-3 hours, and are often quite unsettled, the oldest tends to stand himself in the corner and shy away from interactions, and my 13 month old is very grizzly and gets quite distressed on occasions.

The contact is supervised by a government resource worker, so it's not appropriate for me to attend, and being so young I'm stuck for ideas on how to prepare them and support them better.

I show them their parents' photo, and speak positively of them, try to get the kids excited about the visit, etc, and I also acknowledge their feelings when they get home, lots of cuddles, etc.

Any other suggestions on how I can make it easier and more positive for them?

Answer 1

After the visit - try redirection activities or talk.

The cuddles may be necessary.

It's best not to ask questions about the visit or to dwell about the visit.  In other words , don't say -- honey, do you want to talk about it....

Ways to redirect:

go to the park for 1 hour

go to the 7-11 and get a slurpee

have a routine that after every visit you play dolls together, play a game together, earn a reward for being good, paint pictures, dance to music, play exercise.

I'm not sure if you kids can do all this - but may you can modify my ideas.  The ideas is to keep them busy, keep their focus on something else.

Hope this helps

Answer 2

This is one of the most difficult parts of Foster Parenting...  and it is so normal for the children to return off balance...

Often, it has helped some younger children to go directly from a parent visit to something totally fun before returning to the foster home.... A trip to the park or McDonald's with a play area---a stop for Ice Cream or another treat....

Many foster families have found the children have the hardest time when they leave a visit and then "return" to the same structure offered in the foster home..... Some FP's have found something as simple as a trip to the store on the way back is helpful....

Many children in Foster Care have Attachment issues as well as Drug and Alcohol effects that change the way they process the experience of the visits. Some children who have attachment issues or brain damage don't Need as Much Forcasting of the events ahead.... Such as getting the child over excited about a visit.... Often the visits are very stressful on the child even at very young ages.

With little ones like this I would not pump them up too much before hand... keep in mind that no one is pumping them up to return to your care so the children are getting a "different" experience before Returning to your care--and in some cases that expereince is Negative before returning....

Visits may be supervised however they are generally not Coached on how to help the child transition... The parents are Not Stopped from saying anything they feel or want to say to the child... and often these visits are spent with the parents asking one question after another about "What is Happening" in the foster home....

This means you have done your best to set the child up for a Postive Interaction with their biological family---and the family has (for natural and expected reasons) done their best to KEEP the loyalty with them.... it's only human nature.

So---you build the kids up in the loving--positive ways you know how--and send them with your blessings for a visit. The child goes on the visit and returns to you without the same efforts being made to help the child feel positive about this situation.....

If these children have a caseplan for "Reunification" then it is your position to keep the children positive about their biological family so they can return and attach and have the best chance for a good re-start with their families....

If however, the caseplan is leading to a good chance the children will be adopted then the children need your support to transition from their biological family to an adoptive family.... The greater the indicators are that reunification will Not happen the more anxiety the biological parents are feeling.... If you were about to lose a child imagine the tactics and steps you might take to Keep the child's loyalty to you... Add to this the idea that in most cases biological families don't lose their parental rights because they consider the best interests of their child....

If reunification is the goal then I would continue to keep the children positive about these visits... Pump them up and take the high ground and allow the child to be able to have nothing but, positive feelings toward the family they will hopefully be returned to....

If reunification is Not the goal and the plan is clearly the parental rights will be terminated then it may be time to back off on the positive ideas about the biological family at least during this HARD time of saying Goodbye....

Once parental rights are terminated and the children transition into their growing up family you will have time to Go Back and build up any good memories and positive feelings you want the children to have about where they came from.

We cannot address every need and issue of children in this situation at the same time.... It seems to go in cycles and these children are very young. You want them to be ready for a visit but, at this age it might not need any more than a, "By the way we are going to the center for a visit--right now and I will see you later--hope you have a great time....When I pick you up we can fo shopping for Banana Split supplies for after dinner...."

These children only need a few moments notice for a visit...and if the visit starts with information about something they can look forward to when done they may have a more positive feeling after....

While at the visit--take some time and do something for yourself that makes you feel good and don't spend the time being worried or expecting all heck when they are finished... sometimes it has everything to do with Our own expectations... if we expect it to be one way that is what we see.... Expect the best and have fun after it may just change the whole dynamics!

Answer 3

being a foster  dont push anything on them like pics  just let them  ask questions at their own time,  they will adjust

Answer 4

At that age, there isn't much else you can do.  I've been in your shoes as well.  Its hard for children who have been abused so badly by their parents, then they have to go see them once a week, very hard on the kids.  Usually, child psychiatry doesn't help or isnt offered until age 3.  If the parents aren't that bad, or will most definately be getting the children back, they may need more visitations from the parents every week.

Answer 5

You sound like a wonderful foster mom!    You seem to be doing everything you can possibly do, by showing the children photos and speaking positively of their parents.   They are both very young, and have been with you since they were infants.  They are probably having a very difficult time thinking of their parents as "parents."  

Maybe they are afraid that when the government worker takes them from you for the visit, that they are not coming back.  Perhaps if you gave them each something from your home to take with them, they would know for sure they were going to return.   Maybe by having them take some small kitchen object they've seen you use frequently, and telling them to bring it back to you after the visit is over, it will give them a comfort level that they will see you later.

Answer 6

I have a similar situation with my daughter and her father, who she sees once a week. She becomes VERY stressed out and is hard to settle for at least two days after the visit.

The only thing you can do is provide a soft loving environment for them, children are very resilient, a cliche I know, but its the truth. They will grow up with the knowledge that they were loved and supported by you

Answer 7

Is it possible to send a comfort toy with them? When I was their age I had a stuffed animal that was my security comfort. It went with me everywhere I went. Maybe that can help them feel more comfortable? If nothing more than just a little?

Answer 8

Sometimes just life as normal when they come home.  We fostered atn 18 month old who who scream bloody murder every time she had to go see her mom and dad.  It broke my heart (and theirs!) each time, but my job was to be positive, let go and be supportive.  Talking about mom and dad was a part of our daily life, like while eating breakfast "yum, I will make sure I tell your mom you like pancakes" etc. etc.  We just normalized their existance and didn't make a big deal about it.  Then, a year later, she started to look forward to the visits, she got excited when she saw them!  Then lo and behold a few months later she cried when she had to leave them and see us!  Given her parents also improved their lifestyle and the attachment that was forming, we all knew it was time for them to go home.  

I also have to say that was hard for us each and every time to see her cry when she saw her parents at the beginning, but we trusted the system, trusted the parental bond, and allowed it to form at its own pace, which in this case was 2 hour visits once per week.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Some ideas that I was given encourages the children and the parents to participate.  Send snacks with the kids (can be healthy like fruit) and even some games.  If there is a board game that you know that child loves have them bring it to play and it should shift the focus from being uncomfortable.  If these ideas, or any other ones you were given, don't end up working you might just have to accept that the child is not in the mindset to want to participate with their parents.  At such a young age and the fact that you've had them for so long, they just may not understand how to behave.