Idk what im doing. but need help with a essay =]?

Question

im writing a admission essay to UT (Austin) I am going to be a senior in HS this coming year.

Heres the prompt:

Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

I really would like to add a little more to my essay and then close it off. but i dont know what to write about now.

My topic is : Immigration

Heres my essay: (Some might follow in the additional details portion)

Tell me what you guys think! and thanks in advance!

The issue of immigration is of great importance to me as I am a child of immigrants. My parents left India in 1985, coming to America for a better life and a more peaceful environment in which to raise their family. In India, they lived in endless fear and hardship, a great deal of it brought on by terrorists. Bomb threats and even bomb blasts on the trains and in major metropolitan cities was a constant worry, and it continues today.

I recognize the hardships my parents faced in their homeland, and I know how difficult it was for them to leave friends and family and change their lives completely in order to move to the United States. But not a day goes by that I am not grateful they made this decision. I know how lucky I am to have been born and raised in America and not have to face the oppression and hardship of many living in other countries of the world. As Americans we have freedoms such as freedom of speech, where we are entitled to say what we feel is right. In India if you were to express your opinion against the government, you would face imprisonment and execution. We also enjoy equal opportunity here in the United States, as both men and women can get an education, and have a decent profession. As for in India, only a mere amount of states recognize the concept of equal opportunity. For example, schools in the smaller states of India do not provide education to both boys and girls in the same environment. The all girls’ school has a totally different atmosphere compared to the boys’ school. The girls’ school does not have the basic necessities to run a school such as a lack of teachers, and classrooms. As a US citizen I enjoyed being in a decent learning environment, and having the equal opportunity model. Most people do not realize how fortunate they are to live here in the United States; they have not seen nor experienced the troubles that students in other countries face. Immigration has changed the lives of many people in this country. Countless amounts of people have left their home countries in seek for an improved lifestyle and a healthier environment. This decision not only affects them, but also their children and their family. For example, when my parents moved from India to the United States even though I was not born at that time, I was affected by the immigration. Only because when I was born, it was in a nonviolent and diplomatic environment. Therefore, this same process will repeat it its course again when I get married and have kids, they will also be born in the same environment I was born in.

Answer 1

I'm not really sure how long an admission essay should be, but it definitely needs to be longer. Also, try to make it more heartfelt; you're saying it's important to you, but it doesn't feel that way to me.

What you really need to change is all your examples. It's probably better to get rid of them; you're making it seem more like you're comparing the US to India, rather than writing about something that's important to you.

What I would recommend doing is asking one of your parents about a specific hardship they faced, and then reflecting on how you might have had to deal with the same sort of thing had they not left India.

You should probably vary your sentence structure some more as well; it gets a little boring to read after a while. And you must, absolutely must, get rid of all your "for example"s; they make it sound more like a research paper more than an essay.

There are a few sentences where you would've had better word choice. I suggest going through it very carefully and changing anything you think you can to make it sound better.

All in all, I think you've got a good idea, but you need to shape it better; the people who'll be reading your essay will read a lot of others, so try your best to really put your heart into it and write something unique =)

Answer 2

This is a really good start.  There's some good information here that will help them to know you better but I'd work on the presentation.

First, it reads emotionally flat and impersonal.  It makes me imagine you as a negative person.  Essays are and should be personal and that doesn't just mean content, it means tone.  You offer little of yourself here.

Second, I see what your trying to do in offering a parallel between India and America, but I'd do one paragraph on each rather than jumping around.

Third, you say your topic is immigration but it is mostly about repression and violence in India and your gratitude that your parents sacrifice makes you able to enjoy life as you do.  There really is very little here about immigration and I think you have a stronger topic.  How about America and what she is and how you, as a child of immigrants know her to be?

Four, give specifics whenever possible rather than generalities.  Did your parents or their families ever have any first hand experience with the violence?  Have they ever shared stories with you about what it is like to be unable to talk with friends about their views about government?  Any stories that will show what it meant to them to leave all they knew or how it feels to see their son be an American about to enter college?  Personalize it every way you can.

I wish you the best of luck.  You're obviously an intelligent, ambitious person.  America is lucky to have you.